I entered my rooms, closing the door carefully behind me.
“What did you do to him?” a voice drawled, causing me to slowly turn and find Hamish leaning against a bed post, “he’s almost… giddy.”
I shrugged, “how did you get in here without anyone noticing?”
“Sarah, she found the servant door. She said mice were carved into the door.”
I nodded my understanding, kicking off my boots and sitting on the canopy bed.
“The old servant ploy.” I said, “One day I’m going to get murdered by our own tactics. Did you send the bird?”
“Naturally,” he smiled, going over to watch out the window, “the moment I have a response I will alert you.”
I lay down on the pillows, enjoying how light I felt without the usual layers that came with dresses.
“You never answered my question,” Hamish said, looking over at me, “what did you do in the forest?”
“What fun would it be if I told you all my secrets?” I smirked, rolling over onto my stomach, “you told me to pay him attention.”
He nodded, his face a mask, “I did.”
“Anything else to report?”
He shook his head, turning back towards the servant’s corridor. It had been hidden behind one of the heavy curtains.
“Hamish,” I said, unsure why I called him. He turned back, and for a moment the mask slipped, revealing a deep sadness.
“Yes?”
“I… this task I have been set. I didn’t ask for it.”
He frowned, coming closer, “I know.”
“And I… I am only thinking of the future.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say Madelaine.”
Stay with me, you are my safe place my heart wanted to scream. I remembered the suspicion bright in Tomas’ eyes as I played with him, the carefully chosen dresses and outfits to lure him to myself. The winning smile, the perfume I wore. The lies upon lies winding around me, a work of art perhaps, but still an illusion. I watched my hand reach out for Hamish, my fingers curling into his cloak.
“No. Lanie.” I whispered.
“Please,” he murmured, standing stock still as I tugged him closer.
“Laine, Hamish,” I whispered again, “say it.”
He knelt in front of me, taking my hand from his cloak, “your training My Lady, do not forsake it.”
I shook my head, looking down at him, silently watching him. He locked eyes with me, his hand still holding mine. After an age he bowed his head, “I’m still here Laine. I will not leave your side.”
Something inside me clicked, as though the key had opened a door to a hidden place I didn’t know about. I slid from the bed into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. He froze in place, unsure how to respond, before making a decision. Slowly he pulled me closer until I was straddled on his hips, his arms around me.
“Oh Laine,” he murmured, “what are we going to do with you?”
A deep churning feeling opened from the box I kept it in, threatening to overpower me. “Sometimes,” I whispered, “I just need someone to see me and know me as I am. Not wonder if the creature in front of them will bite or purr. You have known me before I became this – this spider weaving webs. Sometimes the lines between who I am who I make myself perceived to be become blurred.”
I pulled back to bury my head into his chest, feeling him tentatively stroke my hair.
“I know,” he said simply, holding me closer, “I know.”
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“You were right,” a voice said behind me, forcing me to turn from sharpening my blade. Lord Tomas strode over to me, his powerful stride kicking up dust in the training arena. “I just need to trust her.”
I turned back, unwilling to meet those clear blue eyes, “I’m happy for you my Lord.”
“What has you so down?” he asked me, moving so he was in front of me. I smiled grimly. I possessed a heart more knotted then a fishing net after a sea storm. How could I explain how confused and yet elated I felt? How it was to squash hope over and over again until it deflated into a gloom unlike any other. I was Madelaine’s safe place, not her lover.
“I need to get back into training. I feel a tad rusty.”
The lord laughed then, forcing me to look up as the sound of metal hissed around the arena, “allow me to help! Better keep my love’s protector up to task!”
A stone dropped to the bottom of my stomach as I lurched to my feet, using the same limbs that moments ago, had held Laine as her fears flowed out of her. I could still smell her perfume on my collar. But as I stepped closer to lord Tomas, I could smell her on him as well. Breathing through my mouth, I steadied my hand, watching the smiling lord as he twisted his sword to parry.
I wanted to unleash myself onto him, break him down and walk across the rubble of his defeat. A blind rage built inside of me, only my training in control forcing it down into my limbs as pure energy.
I smiled a crooked smile, tilting my head to the side, “let’s dance.”
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“Madelaine!” Sarah scolded me as she swept into the room, “You need to stop this foolishness!” I looked up from my book, frowning.
“Whatever do you mean?”
Sarah pulled me off the bed and pushed me towards the window, pointing down below us. Hamish and Tomas were sparring. It was quicker than any match, and more ferocious then a tournament. They locked eyes, twisting, and turning as their swords clashed.
“You know exactly what I mean. I have been watching you play with the lord, and then just now throw yourself at Hamish! You are being unbelievably cruel.”
“I didn’t mean to!”
Sarah looked me up and down, “you need to be better. You are better than a child playing with her toys. These are men. Foolish, gullible men who are falling in love with you. Do better.”
I looked down at the ground, before returning to the match below me.
She was right.
“Dress me, let me remind them who I am.”
“Which is…?” Sarah asked mildly as she went to gather a deep bottle green gown.
“A goddess.”
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I grinned as I hit the lord again, his breath now coming in uneven breaths. Sweat slid down my forearms, dripping from my hair and down my forehead.
“Concede my lord?” I asked, brandishing my weapon.
Something halfway between the match had snapped between us, a competition neither man understood, nor could verbalise. We both knew the reason for the fight, but neither of us could tell you why we fought. This was no honour bound match. This was a drive neither of us understood.
“I do wonder how we will end this match,” he said, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, “we never set victory rules.”
He raised his sword and I grinned, raising mine in response. Something moved in my peripheral vision and I side stepped to see what it was.
Laine.
No. Lady Madelaine.
A stream of servants followed behind her, her dress flying behind her. Silver graced her throat and caught the light, her form powerful in its femininity. She glanced at me and I backed down.
“My lord,” she purred, fixing her eyes on Lord Tomas, “your people wish to watch.”
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