Stop hitting yourself..64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmMMJQKARp
I can't.. Okay And I'm not sorry.. It's just how I deal.. Okay
Yup.. Yup.. I know.. You have been asking, why ?
But then I too don't even know the deep rooted reason why too still.. I might have skipped the whole, 'Look inside yourself' bit, because, maybe I didn't want to look..
Not that I'm afraid or anything, but simply because I know the end all too well.. 'Of course I'll tell you at the very end..
Of course, some people might call it being considerate or whatever they might call it,.. Treading lightly on the ground of those around me, that even a wisp's sigh might be too loud,. But..
It's just that I feel like my innermost words weren't meant to cross paths with the people who breathe the same air as I do..
Because of how they wouldn't be able to accept that, that would be the real me actually speaking up and saying something I actually meant for once..
Naturally,. people are already used to the docile me.. Don't get me started..
I know.. It's my fault.. It's always been my fault..
I might have done it all too well, that people wouldn't be able to accept anything else..
It's only now that I'm realising that, I should have.. I should have spoken up when I had the chance..
I should have done something different.. anything.. I should have let it all out when I had the chance.
I should have shown how hopeless I was and how raggedy lil' old me needed a helping hand..
I should have accepted feeling overwhelmed for once and just cried my heart out as I let myself feel the embrace of encouragement..
It might sound odd, but since I haven't been shown how,. I don't even know how jealousy works.. I should have let myself feel jealous, at least even once.. Because maybe then I might have learned how to desire something so desperately..
I have had times when people have been so desperate to know what I desire so much, but I haven't been able to answer them or give them a satisfactory answer.. at all..
Of course, with friends, that question keeps lingering and comes up on occasions that require gifting someone with something.. I'm sorry.. My bad.. Like I said, it's all my fault..
I should have let myself feel remorse.. for being born.. Because maybe then I might have been able to, in good conscience, let myself live long..
I should have accepted feeling hurt at least once and let myself actually cry for once, in a way that meant it, because maybe then I might have acquired the relief that came with it..
I should have let myself feel frightened when terror had me in its grasp.. But I never led on because of how sick, nauseated, and drained I'd feel after ledding on and letting myself feel the embrace of worry..
I should have maybe spoken up when I was ill, because maybe then I would have given people the chance to do something about it..
Needless to say, I never knew how to say something or anything about it anyway.. I'd always slept every illness off, because that was the only way I knew how to heal..
But with a more terminal one, I guess it's more different.. I guess eventually I'm just going to have to accept not being able to wake from this slumber..
I should have accepted feeling loved for once, and I probably should have given someone the chance to unconditionally love me.. Because maybe then I would have known how it actually felt to feel and be loved, and I might have been able to replicate it..
Now all I hear is everyone—my acquaintances, colleagues, passersby, relatives, family, and friends—constantly asking me about love,.. Like I'm supposed to know how it works when no one has ever shown me how..
It's not like I'm going to get the chance to bring everything that has led to this point up anyway, but regardless,. Even if I wanted to change anything, I couldn't. I would, if I could... Probably..
'Oddest thing is that someone actually once brought it up that I looked like I was missing love in my life, like genuine, uncensored, unconditional human love, but then at that point in time when the person said it, to put it bluntly.. I didn't care because I knew there was nothing I could do about it..
But, then, like I said, I should have trusted that it's possible to actually love, and be loved, and accept feeling love for once.
Because maybe then I would have given someone the proper chance of unconditionally loving me. And maybe then I would have known how it actually felt to feel irrevocable love and be loved, and I might have been able to replicate it..
But now I don't know if I have enough time to change all that. Everyone has moved on. They have all settled it in themselves that I might be a broken toy beyond repair. A lost cause would be far better..
I guess I might have accepted my fate along the way.. Obviously, keeping it all tucked away and hidden wasn't going to last forever..
And to those who loved me, even without my knowing, well, somehow.. (._. )
Thank you for sticking around..
Remember when I said, "I'll tell you at the very end ?"
The truth is, I don't know if it's a good idea to go there, far beyond the depths of human understanding, to find what makes me tick and what doesn't,..
Trying to find the dead and buried muck I might have discarded along the way, because I just think that, in doing so alone, venturing into the unknown me,..
It will just make me end up dropping dead in my own tracks, from what I might end up discovering: 'And of course, someone might be wondering, "You're telling me you're that forgetful ?" Well then, like I said.. I guess I should have let myself remember everything that happened in my past.
But with all that in mind, I wouldn't have been able to live for this long.. So, I guess along the way, I might have forgotten mixed things, the most important or even sombre memories, just to stay afloat for this long..
Not that I wanted it to happen—the forgetfulness—but it all happened on its own; I guess it was the only way my mind could deal with everything.. I guess that is what most people would call an automatic coping mechanism of some sort..
After all, if it were left up to me to deal with it all, all by my lonesome, I might have found a jaw-dropping way to cope with it all,.. After all, that would have been me, just being me.. Leaving everyone in disbelief because simple awe wouldn't be enough...64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5hGPI0iZJ
