Here and Now..80Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO67LgPLV0V
I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, threatening to spill out and take over my entire body. I'm so overwhelmed right now—the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and out of control of my emotions is a feeling I'm only too familiar with.
The thought of starting to cry and not being able to stop haunts me as I'm writing this down. The thought of being so consumed by my emotions that I can't think clearly and that I can't take control of the situation is a fear that I can't shake.
I'm trying to take a few deep breaths to calm myself and my racing thoughts, but the tears continue to form in my eyes. I feel my shoulders start to shake and my heart heavy with sorrow as I realise that this time, I'm not going to be able to get a handle on my emotions.
The thing is, it's not that I don't want to experience the sense of relief gained from crying your very own heart out.. But..
As it stands, crying for me is something so close and yet so far away.. I want to, but if I can't stop after I've taken the initiative all on my own, I might end up popping a blood vessel and end up with a brain bleed or something entirely different..
I know.. I'm not even making any sense.. People cry all the time,.. 'Someone might add.. But it's a tad different in my situation.. Yes, I have shed tears in the past, but those tears were the kind of tears where I went far, but not too far, which were kind of controlled by the onset of an oncoming headache..
I meant to say that whenever I felt a splitting headache, I'd actually stop. But where I couldn't stop, I'd start bleeding profusely from my nostrils.. Until I had to stop crying,..
Besides,.. I don't like it when my head hurts.. because.. again in itself brings on more sickness like, the sound of my heart throbbing inside my head, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, high fever, sensetivity to light from the red eyes, stomach ache and whatever comes with that, loss of appetite from being sick with everything, neck and chest pain, the nose bleeds,.. and what have you..
It's like dying a slow and painful death from poison, or whatever that is.. Naturally, it's not possible for humans to die from shedding tears normally,..
But, I guess feeling everything in excess emotionally and mentally, whilst also everywhere physically and painful all at once, doesn't help on my part..
When it used to happen when I was young, I'd think I was actually dying.. So parents, being parents, would obviously fix everything with medicine.
When it used to happen when I was somewhat older at school, people would actually think that I was dying or something and would overreact and tell me to visit the sickbay for treatment..
'So that is what might have led me to turn in earlier than everyone else, and be it like I'm sleeping whilst I cried, covering my head in blackets without causing a fuss.. As a matter of fact, I'd only cry up to the point where my head would start hurting, and stop, and then fall asleep.
As for here and now, it just seems too late for me to shed actual tears that can fully satisfy my soul,.. Because so many years have passed, and crying seems so close and yet so unreachable and unattainable..
I know I should quit whining while I'm still ahead and crush everything that's currently overwhelming me right now,.. But so far, what I've tried isn't helping..
I've tried binge-watching anime, I've tried listening to music, I've tried watching toons, I've tried art, 'Yes, I draw' I've tried randomly watching videos off the internet, I used to even try drowning it all with swimming,.. And it did help.. For a while.. But can't go swimming for now.. Rainy season, and all that..
I told my best friend a few days ago about how I felt wack.. and all he did was point out how much of a roller coaster of emotions I was in, as he skipped to the good parts of our conversation.. I didn't mind that it happened, because I just thought that maybe since he was my best friend, he might have deserved to know what was up..
I talked to my brother in the morning and told him how wack I was feeling and he told me to persevere,.. And yes of course that sounded sweet when he said it.. But you can only persevere for so long until you reach your breaking point..
It did happen though, at the end of the year, last year... I had literally gone out of my way to express my deepest concerns.. But to no avail.. I could feel the tears welling up inside my eyes as they threatened to spill out and take hold of me.. But I somewhat won by trying as hard as I could and by taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down..
It does sound futile to bring it up now, but during those days, I thought speaking up was so pointless that I just became so reserved..
I actually got scolded and was told that my life and future should matter to me, but telling me that at that point in time didn't help because me simply caring so much about my life and my future was what was going to drive me to an early grave..
I was at the end of my rope.. Then, when everything, everywhere, hit me all at once, so much that I couldn't take it anymore, I almost drove a blade through my heart..
As situations, are situations.. They do pass, but.. I was almost a goner..
For now, I'll just keep on writing until I start feeling okay.. I guess.. Since writing does kind of help too.. How ?.. I don't know how.. But all I know is that it's my favourite hobby, like archery and swimming..80Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYLl7OvMb9
