College entrance exams are coming soon. I feel like I have wasted my time for preparation, but I still have hope that I can pass it and get accepted into a government college. If I won't be able to get accepted into a college, I will have to take a drop year and I know that surviving that drop year will be like going through hell.
Firstly, my mom will hit me and scold me a lot, I will have to hear her taunts for the next full year, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I vividly remember how my mother hit me by slippers when I got above 90% in one of my grade, just because I didn't score the marks she expected. I know that I didn't work hard enough, I accept it but the way I was treated that day still makes me quiver in fear. My sister didn't even score 90% in that same grade, but everyone praised her very much, sweets were distributed but I didn't get the same treatment as according to my mom she worked very hard as she was a very bad student earlier, but I was a smart student, and I could have got better marks. Well, that simply means I worked hard since my childhood while she didn't. I myself was so upset and angry with myself that day. Nevertheless, I didn't deserve to be treated like that and should have also been treated the same way as my sister was. This memory still haunts me. Secondly, my father and sister will be quiet happy to see my downfall. These 2 people never hoped for my happiness, even though they pretend that they do. Thirdly, my friends and classmates will be quite happy too but I don't care about them though. And lastly I will be depressed too.
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As a kid I was very competitive, who was always very much interested in studies, who was curious, confident, bold, extroverted and never insecure. I am literally the opposite of all the qualities I mentioned above now. I just don't know where that bright and cheerful me disappeared. People around me always criticized my expressive and emotional side, so now I never show my emotions to anyone. Infront of my family I always act like a girl who never cries and is emotionless because I don't want to be vulnerable in front of them, there is no use of showing my emotions because either they will scold me or simply ignore me. I never share my problems with anyone or my feelings now.
I am very scared right now, I will not be able to face myself if I won't get in a college. Stress is taking over my mind but even if I cry myself to sleep every night while being beside my mother she never seems to notice it or I don't know if she just ignores it. I seriously want to get away from here, this home, this city and just live my life in peace. I only wish to get accepted into a college right now..
I hope that I continue to write like this about my feelings without being afraid of any judgement.
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Until next time,
Joy
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