"Shit..."
"No need to rush." Law said quietly in an attempt to placate her, sitting still so Lexi could line the paperclip they'd found in the corner of the room back up with his handcuff's keyhole. "It's not like we don't have the time."
Not even thirty minutes later of sitting there had Lexi been too pent up with nervous energy to sit still any longer. She'd began pacing the room again, searching for something-anything- that could help them escape. As luck would have it, tucked into the very edge of the carpet was a paperclip. Her fingers had just barely brushed over it as she made slow sweeps of the carpet. Where it had come from, she had no idea, but at least it was something.
Being unable to see either of their hands made it difficult to maneuver-though it had been dark before, night had truly fallen now, which wasn't helping any-and on multiple occasions she'd accidentally caught his wrist with a sharp poke of the tiny thing. Lexi, her back to his, felt around the handcuffs for the hole, before leaning back a little and sticking the paperclip end into it. She didn't know how to pick a lock, and she'd never tried before. Neither had Law, but they'd assumed it couldn't be that difficult. No amount of determination and frustration couldn't get things done, right?
Lexi let out a frustrated breath, the 'tinks' of her fishing around in the hole getting her no further to popping the cuffs off his wrist. She tried a different angle, but still no luck. At this rate she'd end up breaking the paperclip, their only method of attempting this to begin with.
"For once, could something be as easy as in the movies?" She bit angrily, trying for the umpteenth time to unlock it. Law only let out a humored breath, perhaps wondering the same thing. Or maybe because he didn't know what to say to it. There'd been a lot of those sorts of responses recently.
"Fuck!" She scowled, feeling the paperclip bend unhelpfully. Despite her anger, she made sure to keep her voice down. They'd realized quickly that a guard had been posted across the hallway to their room. She took the paperclip out from the cuff and shook her head.
"Let me try." He said, spreading his hand out behind him to take the paperclip. She felt around behind her and dropped it in his hand. As best she could, she spread out the chain of her handcuffs so he'd have access to the keyhole.
She felt his fingers searching for the slot, shifting positions to more easily reach it. She tried evening her breathing, which was quickened due to frustration, waiting as Law tried his hand at getting her out of them.
In silence, he wiggled the paperclip away at the keyhole for several minutes. But even his valiant attempts were of no use, and eventually he recognized that too. "I don't think this will work. It was a good idea though."
The words were pleasant enough, but they only felt forced to her ears. Lexi's head shook minutely, irritated that it hadn't worked out in the end. She'd gotten that spark of hope that they'd be able to...maybe overtake someone if they came down to check on the prisoners? Hell, she hadn't thought that far ahead. All she'd been hoping for was to get out of these damn handcuffs. They were chaffing her wrists something fierce.
She blew out a frustrated breath. "Well, there goes my only plan..."
"It's alright." Was his stale reply, shifting to his knees and settling himself against the wall again. "We'll think of something."
Lexi stayed where she was, staring at the dark, rectangular shape of the door blankly until she became too tired and finally laid down on her side, searching for some sort of sleep.
It was a disorienting few seconds as Lexi jerked awake, gasping a breath from fear. Her shoulders ached from her hands being stuck in the handcuffs, keeping her muscles from naturally relaxing. The darkness of the room also wasn't helpful, leaving her unable to distinguish her own sight from what her mind conjured up for her. She set her forehead on the carpet of their barren prison cell and took a few fortifying breaths, letting reality sink in as her dream began fading from memory.
"Nightmare?" Was Law's soft question somewhere to her left. She twisted her neck until she could see his dark silhouette in her peripheral vision, then settled her head down again.
"Yeah..." The brunette sighed, clenching her hands behind her back painfully. "How long was I asleep?"
"Several hours."
Well, that was better than nothing...she'd been hoping for a bit more, though. "Damn...Sorry if I woke you."
"I wasn't sleeping."
"Aren't you tired?"
She heard rustling of clothing; perhaps he'd shrugged. "Someone needs to keep watch."
"Oh...right."
She heard him sigh, expecting him to say something, but for a long time he didn't. It was hard to gauge his mood, whether he was actually upset that she'd gone to sleep without thinking about setting up watch, or if he was just tired in general. She supposed the latter, as they'd both gone awhile without sleep.
Shuffling to her knees, she made her way to the wall, again, a foot or two distance away from her companion to give each other enough space. "I feel a bit better now. Go ahead and get some sleep. I'll take over watch for you."
He sat there, maybe debating what he wanted to say, before nodding.
"...alright." He said after a few moments, settling himself into a position on his side. From experience, she knew it was awkward and uncomfortable, and it would probably take him awhile to actually fall asleep. Depended on how tired he was, she supposed. He had stayed up several hours past her, after all.
Neither of them could hear their captors above. Seeing as it was still pitch black outside, it could be assumed that most were asleep. Other than a few guards, of course. Besides the wind blowing the leaves of the trees outside, it was otherwise silent. There weren't even any zombies within earshot. Huh. Hadn't really noticed until now.
Eventually, she looked up, hearing the distant footstep of someone who was still awake. They traveled from above them over to the left, the sound of the step changing in tone, as if stepping from tile to wood flooring. She hadn't really gotten a good look at the interior of the house when they'd brought her and Law here. She'd been a bit too busy worrying about what was going to happen to them to care at the time.
Law adjusted himself on the floor, drawing her attention for a second. Then, he sat up, presumably facing her based on the position on his legs.
"Lexi..." Law suddenly started, trailing off, as if wondering if he should actually say whatever he'd intended to.
"What?" She prompted, figuring he sounded serious.
"I think we should talk about what happened with Brittany." He finished, and the brunette felt a twinge of anxiety curling in her stomach. This really wasn't the conversation she wanted to have at the moment. She swallowed back her groan, looking away from him at the opposite wall.
"Look...I know you can't rush recovery of a trauma. That's not what I'm asking you to do, but keeping it to yourself isn't good either." He continued softly, both to prevent waking whoever was upstairs and to coax a response from her. She still kept her mouth shut, deciding that maybe she'd prefer silence over conversation after all.
She heard him sigh again, leaning forward. "Lexi-"
"I don't want to. I'm dealing with it." She pressed, hoping that would end the topic.
Her eyes had adjust to the dark enough to see that his head was shaking. "No, you're avoiding it. There's a difference. You won't talk to us at all about anything you're thinking."
"I don't need to, I'll work through it myself." Lexi was able to convince herself it was true. Almost. She hadn't made much progress the past few weeks since her friend had been...had died. "Not like I haven't gotten through trauma by myself before."
"You've had regular nightmares for almost a month-" Law said.
"So what? The world is hell now anyway, nightmares are a given."
Law was smart enough not to buy that excuse. "This isn't healthy. You need sleep. And we've tried being patient and giving you space to come to terms with everything, we didn't want to push you, but you're slowly killing yourself this way. I'm not gonna watch you get worse." He explained, taking the tone of a doctor instructing a patient. She'd become accustomed to hearing it through her medical program in college. It got on her nerves a little.
"I know, ok? I know that." Was her vehement reply. She felt a pang just behind her eye. Hell if she was going to start crying now.
Two bangs against the door startled them. "Would you fucking shut up in there?" A male's voice insisted. They heard him curse under his breath and settle back into his chair nearby. They were silent for several minutes, not wanting to anger their captor again, but Law gave her a look that said he wasn't about to let this go.
Lexi took a steadying breath, before continuing at a much softer volume. "I know it isn't healthy. I just...I need...I don't know what I need. I don't know what I'm saying right now...This is why I don't want to talk about it, I can't think straight." Her head was shaking, willing herself not to produce the tears that threatened her eyes and because she didn't want to confront her own feelings about the situation.
Law kept pressing without losing his concerned tone, determined not to let her just back out. "You need to stop blaming yourself. And don't try to tell me you aren't because both of us know that's bullshit. I know what it looks like. I've been there myself."
Lexi sighed again, voice growing quiet, defeated. "I really don't want to do this right now..."
"No time like the present. How else are we gonna pass the time? We're stuck here until we either die or Shachi and Penguin come get us."
"Seriously, Law-"
"Just stop and listen for one minute." He interrupted, finally beginning to sound a little irritated. The sudden change in attitude alone made her shut up. "You're miserable. You're jumpy and space out at random times. You barely talk anymore, even to Shachi and Penguin. Hell, they're nearly convinced you'll off yourself when no one is looking. Half of their night watch is spent keeping an eye on you."
They did? She hadn't known that...Lexi had tried keeping her turbulent thoughts to herself this whole time. She supposed being around the group nearly 24/7 made them likely to notice changes in someone's behavior. Maybe she hadn't done such a good job of not letting her negativity affect the group.
"...I'm not going to do that."
"Can you blame us, though? We don't know what's going through your head right now." He pointed out, and she could see why. "When you're acting like this and won't say why, we're going to be worried about it."
"I know..." She said sadly, the fight draining from her posture. She stared at her lap. "I'm sorry for making you all worry. And it's not the blaming myself part, I swear. It's...she was my best friend."
"She manipulated you." Law reminded her, as if that alone would warrant her to be able to talk about it. And he was right, almost.
"Even if she was all that time, she was still the only other person I cared about as much as I did my grandmother growing up. It's not like I had a whole lot of friends. And I killed the only one I had, because she refused to let me go." The corners of her eyes tingled with impending tears, and she slowly shook her head. Because once she started elaborating, it was like the floodgates opened, and a torrent of grief left her mouth. It felt good to...talk about it.
"I feel sick every time I think about it. I feel...like I'm the one that was wrong, even when I know that I was never going to take her offer. I know what she did. I...I know she killed the others and it's terrible. I should be able to...to justify killing her without any problem. She took lives in cold blood, she fed them to the walkers and didn't give a damn, but I still care about her for some fucking reason..."
Her whispered voice began to shake with emotion, tear streaks now running down her cheeks and landing in her lap. "I'm confused...I'm hurting...I'm terrified of myself, that I could kill my best friend like that and still somehow live with it. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from it when it doesn't make any sense."
She sniffed, and Law moved closer to sit in front of her. At this distance, she could make out more of his facial features. "The point isn't to move on, it's to cope. Stop pushing it down and face it. Even if it's a little bit at a time."
He was insistent, yet quiet, hoping that she'd take his words to heart and not just deflect them. "We're alive because you had to make a hard choice. You are alive because of it. And that is not something you have to justify to yourself or to anyone else. Start from there."
"I don't..." She began, shaking her head, then stopped, thickly swallowing down what she was going to say. He was right, of course. Even if she wasn't ready to completely move past what had happened, even if her thoughts were a jumbled mess when it came to anything having to do with Brittany, she still needed to start somewhere. "...I'm...trying. But it's hard when I see her every time I sleep. I pulled the trigger. I looked her right in the eyes and shot her. And I can't get that picture out of my head."
"I'm sorry." He replied, sounding the most sincere a person could be. She believed that he was. "If I could've, I would have done it for you. I still believe she deserved to die. Probably not what you want to hear, but...that's the truth."
"I get it. It's ok..." Law had had doubts about her the moment they met. Being held up at gunpoint was a contributing factor, but even past that, he could sense something wasn't right. And she had let sentimentality get in the way of reason and her own gut instinct.
Perhaps she should have let him kill her when they had the chance.
"Like I said, she wasn't the Brittany from when we were in college. I knew that. Just didn't want to entirely admit it. Part of me hoped that she'd somehow...gotten better." She said.
Law nodded slowly, understanding. "Her feelings to you seemed...possessive. Obsessive. Was she always like that? The way she was talking to you, trying to turn you against us and guilting you-"
Lexi looked up at him quickly, comprehension dawning. "You were listening?"
He paused, but then nodded. "I wanted to make sure she didn't try anything. Sounded like I didn't have anything to worry about, though."
Then, he recalled a portion of the conversation, and tilted his head. "I appreciate you defending us, by the way. I know how difficult it is to disagree with someone you care about."
For some reason, it didn't bother her so much that he'd listened into their conversation. They'd intended for it to be private, but given what happened later the same night, she supposed it helped him understand Brittany more closely.
"Yeah...I'm sorry I haven't been dealing with this in a good way. I didn't want to drag everyone into my problems, is all."
Law could see that she'd mostly calmed down from earlier. she tried wiping her tears on the sleeves of her shirt, to marginal degrees of success, and her voice no longer wavered as it did. It was a start. One conversation wasn't going to solve her issue, but at least he'd gotten her to open up about it.
"You realize we're a team through the good and the bad times, right?" He pressed, and she looked away again in shame. "Talk about what you feel. Get it off your chest. If not to me, then Shachi or Penguin. Just don't isolate yourself. That's what we're here for, to keep each other sane."
"I'll...work on it." She said. Then, when he didn't respond, she looked up at him and gave as close to a smile as she could manage at the moment. "Promise."
He nodded, accepting it. "Good."
Lexi was honestly feeling a bit better. Granted, she didn't relish the thought of trying to go back to sleep, since the nightmares were sure to follow. Visions of Brittany's face and the splatter of blood had plagued her for weeks. But overall, it felt nice to talk to Law like she used to.
He turned to lay back down on the ground, settling himself in as comfortable a position as he could. Hopefully he could get some much-needed sleep. Lexi let her head rest against the wall, keeping an eye on the door to their room, settling in for a long night of aching muscles.
"You know...if they decide to go out scavenging, all of this would be for nothing. They'd probably take the fireworks." Shachi mentioned, setting up the box in question in the middle of the street a good distance away from the house. They'd save the bottle rockets for the last bit leading up to the house. Penguin was on guard beside him, looking out for anything that moved.
"Don't worry about it. They're not gonna risk going out right now. They've got captives, and they think they're getting our stash, remember?" Penguin shrugged and waved away his concern. "We'll be fine."
Shachi shrugged, but still wasn't sure about the bullet-proof-ness of their plan. "Ok, but...A zombie could still step on it before we get it ready-"
"Shut up, it'll work!"
Her mouth felt dry. Going almost an entire day without drinking anything was beginning to take it's toll. And now that the sun was out, it had grown much warmer in the basement room. That morning, light had slanted in through the grate covering the window well, creating a patterned shadow in the middle of the room.
It had steadily disappeared as the sun rose higher into the middle of the sky, but the heat it had left behind wasn't so hasty. The stuffy room felt much smaller with the higher temperature. Lexi would equate it to a dry sauna.
Mid-day was worse. Though the sun wasn't directly hitting the basement room, the entire house's interior temperature had increased as the day wore on, and somehow it had reached the basement too.
Now awake, Law sat against the wall beside her, still looking tired but more from dehydration than anything. He'd been able to get a few hours of sleep in, like her. Once it grew light outside, though, his internal clock wouldn't let him go back to sleep.
It was becoming a little harder to breathe, a combination of the lack of hydration and the heat, their energy leeching away with every hour they couldn't get a drink of water. Her head felt tight, and if she tried to stand, there was a high possibility she'd black out.
The men who'd captured them hadn't bothered checking in, either. They'd had no contact with them since being thrown inside their prison cell. Either they weren't worried that they'd escape, or knew they'd die out long before they could even make an attempt.
A low grumbling broke the silence, and Law groaned, curling into himself at the sound. It made her stomach ache.
"I think it's safe to say they're not bringing us food or water anytime soon." She muttered, eyes closing to try willing the emptiness away.
"We're just...extra mouths..." He agreed with pain.
Lexi winced, trying to swallow but feeling like her throat was thick and gluey. They'd been lucky recently, but hunger wasn't unfamiliar to her. To any of them, frankly. And dehydration was a common thing, too. But no matter how many times you'd gone awhile without food or water, it never desensitized you to the sensation. The pain was always just as intense as the time before. You couldn't really condition yourself to ignore it.
Despite Law's insistence, she was quickly losing hope that their friends would find them, let alone be able to do anything about rescuing them. They only had another day or so left before they'd die of dehydration. Time wasn't on their side. Her head fell.
"I don't know if they're gonna find us, Law..." She breathed out in exhaustion, and he shook his head.
"Give them a little time."
She huffed a breath. "We don't have any time left to give. At this rate...we'll be dead by tomorrow night."
"They'll find a way." He stated in as confident a tone as he could muster.
Lexi didn't bother responding, knowing he wouldn't be swayed. Her head leaned backwards against the wall again, and she couldn't help but be disappointed. All this time, all this fighting to stay alive, just to die like this? Slowly starve to death in the basement of some raider group's base? While the possibility of starving was always high, she really thought she'd go out in some other way. Shot, maybe. A much quicker death.
As the sense of finality set in, that they would both most likely die here, she glanced at the man beside her. Her friend, the man who'd done much more than she'd thought anyone would do for her, especially in the hell-scape they now called reality. She could still feel the strain separating them. That lingering acknowledgement that things were awkward yet still. They'd never gotten past their drunken night in the office building. It hung there, unresolved, and it ate away at her heart the longer she sat there and thought about it.
If she was going to die...she'd die without regrets. Or try to, at least. Maybe now, with the sudden precedent of baring all and opening up, it was a good time to bring up something that she felt was long overdue in settling. Should it not go well, at least they wouldn't live long enough to have to deal with each other's company too long.
"Hey, Law." She mumbled, staring up at the ceiling. He only hummed, waiting for whatever she wanted to say.
"Since we're laying everything out in the open...and given how we're coming very close to dying..." She started, and he turned back to look at her now that she'd started talking again, "Can we talk about that night...when we were drunk?"
There was a pause, and it was as if she could feel the air become a bit tenser than before. He looked away after a moment, saying nothing. Lexi didn't let it deter her. "I'm tired of...this. All the tension and the...the feeling awkward around each other. It's gone on for way too long, and...I know I should have said something much sooner than this but...I just didn't know how to bring it up."
When he still didn't say anything, she risked a glance. He was staring off to the side. "I'm not the only one...still thinking about it, right?"
"Yeah..." He didn't sound too enthused to be discussing this, but hey. This is what he'd asked for, telling him how she felt.
"I mean...I know it was awkward and embarrassing and, and a huge lapse in judgement, but...we're both adults. Can't we just...clear the air?" Was her plea, hoping that he would take his own advice and get whatever he was feeling off his chest. He obviously hadn't been anticipating that she'd flip the script and use his own words against him.
But this discussion was long overdue, in no small part to her.
He took his time in responding, choosing his words carefully. She could practically hear the muscle in his jaw working as he thought through what he wanted to say. "It didn't mean anything. Neither of us were capable of thinking rationally that night."
Ok. So, he still wasn't looking at her but, it was a start. Lexi nodded.
"I know it didn't, but...if I'm being honest here, I don't regret what happened at all." His head almost jerked but he must have stopped himself, surprised by her answer. "I don't feel guilty for what happened, and the only reason I've been so awkward about it...was because I didn't know how you felt..."
She heard him huff, then saw a tiny shake of his head. Was he...amused? Or maybe he just didn't know what else to say? The most surprising aspect of all of this was how unafraid she felt to talk to him about this. She'd expected a chest full of butterflies and that familiar anxiety creeping in with every word, but she was surprisingly glad to be getting this over with. It felt like a weight lifting from her shoulders.
"I don't want one stupid night of...drunk decisions ruining our relationship. I like being able to talk to you just as comfortably as with Shachi and Penguin." She continued softly, all this talking making her a little out of breath, then shrugged. "And I...miss your company. You're my friend, Law. Best friend, even. I don't want to keep going like this, like we can't stand being in the same room as each other. I'd rather...die among friends than strangers..."
She heard him swallow, let out a quiet breath. Despite wanting one, Lexi didn't push for an answer. There was no way to know if he'd thought about this as often or as extensively as she had. There was a possibility he hadn't fully put together his own feelings on the issue yet.
Law winced, both from discomfort and a particularly painful grumble in his stomach. "One could say I took advantage of you..."
Her eyebrows lowered in confusion. "Took advantage? You were just as drunk as I was."
"Sure, but...even though you won't talk about it, I know you endured something with Damien camp. I still went ahead and...didn't get your consent first." He said quietly, feeling ashamed of himself all over again. It wasn't his finest moment.
Lexi scoffed, shaking her head back and forth. "Law, if you think you're in any way similar to those people, you are seriously wrong. I've never equated you to him in any way, shape, or form. You're not a bad guy."
"..." Obviously he wasn't convinced.
"Don't you think if that was the case, I would have pushed you away?" She reasoned, and he only shrugged, gaze still stuck on the wall in front of them.
"Couldn't be sure. We were drunk."
"Well, there's your answer. I still respect you just as much as I did before."
Lexi couldn't tell, but she thought that his shoulders relaxed a little, and maybe hearing her say that gave him some sort of relief. Had he really been so worried that she hated him? Or thought he'd violated her in some way? "And, fingers crossed, you still respect me?"
"Of course." He said, finally looking at her straight in the face. "It would take a lot for you to lose my respect, Lexi."
She smiled, touched that he thought so highly of her. "Thanks."
He sighed, then. "Since we're being honest, I...don't regret that night either. And maybe that was why I held on to so guilty about it. I felt like it was wrong to...not regret it."
They stared at each other a moment, for once neither of them afraid to know what was in the other's eyes, until Lexi's smile widened and she snorted out a soft laugh. "We sound like total idiots."
Law gave a tired smile back, shaking his head. "Yeah..."
"All that grief over some misunderstandings." Lexi concluded in amusement, eyes droopy with the afternoon heat. "Sorry for being so awkward this whole time."
"I'm sorry, too."
Riding off the satisfaction of finally having bridged the gap between them, Lexi jumped right into the next thing on her mind. "Hey, Law...could I ask you something else?"
"You just did." He replied easily, and she rolled her eyes.
"Ha...I'm being serious here." He nodded, letting her continue. "Do you feel the same...thing that I do between us? I mean...seeing as neither of us regret what happened, I figured there had to be some reason you kissed me back. I just...wanted to know if I've been hoping for something that isn't there or...something different."
He stared at her strangely, Lexi unsure of what exactly was going through his head. At the very least, she hoped he trusted her enough with the truth, even if it wasn't something she'd like hearing.
He nodded. "I do."
She opened her mouth, not having anticipated a blatant answer to the question, but he beat her to it.
"When the world went apocalyptic, I told myself I wasn't going to be distracted by a relationship. It didn't seem worth the effort or the extra supplies. Never wanted one, and I figured I wouldn't ever need it." He said evenly. "I didn't want those uncertain ties keeping me to any one place or person. Things change so quickly now, people can change in an instant.
"But not you..." He muttered, and her brows rose a little. "You never changed; always optimistic, always moral...always there. I always sort of knew you were alive somewhere out there."
"I knew you guys wouldn't die out on me, either." She said with a chuckle. "You're all too stubborn to let anything kill you."
Law shook his head a little, expression turning serious. "To be honest, I've wanted to do that for a long time before then. Kiss you, I mean. Properly. Not like when you busted your leg and we had to carry you to a safe shelter, or at that bus station in Morgantown when you were about to leave." His eyes dropped down to her lips, and she felt her heart pulse with anticipation. "I still want to...but, I don't think that night is a good starting point for...anything between us."
"Yeah...you're right..." Lexi admitted, thinking that it made sense. They'd really jumped the gun, after all. Had the possibility of getting caught not interrupted them, both knew they would have fucked in that office building before either were truly ready to.
Despite the fact that they may have both screw up any chance of having an actual relationship in the future, she couldn't help but feel a fluttering in her chest. He still wanted to kiss her. He did like her, as she'd always sort of hoped and suspected to a small degree. She hadn't been imagining things all this time.
"So...after we get out of here-which we will," he added, looking at her pointedly, "-let's just get accustomed to being friends again. After that? Then...we'll see where things take us, I guess. If...that's what you want."
Lexi's ears perked, glad that he wasn't outright dismissing the idea entirely. Give it some time? She could certainly do that.
"Clean slate?" He nodded, and she smiled optimistically. "So...we're ok, right?"
Law closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall, feeling very tired. And content. "Yeah. We're ok."
ns 15.158.61.48da2
