The darkness took control of my body. It twisted and burned through my veins like a deadly toxin. I opened my mouth to scream, only to find that my voice had abandoned me. Instead, the shadows drowned out my silent cry as they slipped down my throat.
My lungs had become heavy with the thick poison of the night, until all that I could do was choke and gasp for mere morsels of precious air. But it wasn't enough; I couldn't breathe. Sweat dripped down my face as my features twisted in agony.
Excruciating pain took over, a burning sensation that spread through my bones. It corrupted my mind. It seeped through every fibre of my being until my soul was stained with the darkness. My pale eyes were wild as they rolled within gaping eye sockets.
From within the shadows that loomed above me, something shifted. Claws reached out towards - sharp, jagged talons that grazed my skin deeper and deeper with each and every stroke. Until my skin broke, and thick rivulets of blood trailed in the wake of the black, twisted claws on their malicious journey up my body.
They rose higher, and higher, and higher. Beyond my thighs, my hips, my stomach. My body twitched with the desperation to writhe in agony, the desperation for escape.
It was futile, but I already knew that.
I'd known that for a long time.
My eyes snapped open to darkness once again. It was softer, calmer, but my gut still coiled in terror. I found myself clutching at my throat in desperation, as I lay in the middle of the narrow mattress. My legs were constricted, tangled sheets entwined around long, pale limbs; so tight that I had lost feeling in my toes. I kicked at them, the nightmare fresh in my mind as I struggled against the death-hold of my bed sheets.
It was just a dream. Just another dream.
But words didn't take away its power and they would never ease my terror. The nightmares were hungry, and I was vulnerable prey. They waited to plague me in the dead of night. They showed no mercy, and I showed no strength. Each night it was a battle for survival, for sanity, and each night I lost.
I lay in the cold unfamiliar room, surrounded by four bare walls and the lingering feeling of paranoia. The silence echoed around my in a deafening pitch. Pale moonlight seeped through the thin curtains to my left, tinting the world a faint shade of silver.
As I trembled in the darkness, I closed my eyes and repeated to myself the mantra I had become dependent on.
He can't hurt me anymore.
Can't hurt me anymore.
Can't hurt me.
Against my arm, my skinny fingers twitched. The mantra had lost sense long ago, until the words were nothing more than soundless whispers that barely fell from my lips. I had stopped screaming a long time ago; stopped begging for help, reaching out for guidance.
I would always be haunted, and no matter how hard I tried to, it was impossible to hide the miserable aura that permeated from my being. They were the demons that I could never escape, no matter how fast I ran. They were always there, anchoring me to the darkness.
Whenever I least expected it, that anchor would drop, and I'd be drowning. Drowning in memories so terrible they left me too weak to escape. My eyes flickered down to my bare wrist, air hot and heavy in my throat. Raised skin curved across the limb in the crude pattern that I traced with hesitant fingertips. It's not easy to escape the past when it's staring you in the face.
"Rose?"
It was the padding of small feet on the old carpet of the room which withdrew me from my thoughts. Gentle puffs of air and the weak rub of flannel tickled the insides of my ears. I didn't look up as the bed dipped from the new weight. A small body brushed up against mine, and the murmur of a smile brushed along my lips.
"Bad dreams?" The young voice quivered against the night. I felt the pressure of wide eyes staring up at me.
"No." She would never believe my lie. She'd known me too long. So instead I changed the subject. "What are you doing up?" As I leaned back against the pillow, I wound my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer.
"I heard you cry."
My eyes shut, and bitterness pooled through my body. I hated what I did to her. "You shouldn't worry about me, Ella."
"You cry. I don't like it."
"Well, I'm smiling now." That lie was followed by a second waved of bitterness.
Against my body, Ella shifted up until the top of her hair brushed against my collar bone. She made a strangled mewing sound. "I can't see.
"Of course you can't - it's dark." I tapped a finger against her nose, and she fell back down on the mattress with a thump.
A giggle slipped from Ella's lips, light as a feather. My body strained and protested as I reached down the bed for the abandoned sheets. As I pulled them over us with a sigh, Ella was quick to snuggle against me.
The room was still for a while, until she broke the silence with a murmur. "Don't leave."
"Ella?"
"I'm gonna miss you."
I caught her sniff before she could bury her head in the material of my top. My hand came up to stroke her hair, helpless as she whimpered. "I'll miss you too, silly. But it won't be for long." A tear slipped out of the corner of my eyes. I tried to be discrete as I wiped it away against the rough fabric of my pillow.
Ella stopped crying and I felt her head move. "Promise?" Relief flooded my system at the lack of sorrow in her voice. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head.
"I promise. Now get some sleep."
"Not-" She cut off as a yawn forced itself out of her, "Tired."
I shrugged. My fingers began to stroke the thin wisps of hair that surrounded her face into submission. "If you say so."
Silence surrounded our embrace as I waited. Until, finally, she spoke up. "Ok. Sing first?"
I caught the glimpse of her hopeful expression against moonlight that seeped through thin curtains. When I started to sit up a little more, she squealed in excitement. Two tiny hands clutched the duvet and tugged it towards her chin as she began to squirm. Her eager eyes squeezed shut in anticipation.
She didn't really need to ask for me to sing anymore. I sang for her almost every night, her small body curled against mine as her eyes fluttered shut with every lyric.
As I began to sing, the moonlight faded away. The vision of her smile disappeared as our song filled our world. My voice wasn't soft - it was broken, it was husky, and it was bittersweet. After everything I'd been through, singing was difficult for me. But Ella loved it when I sang, and I loved her, and so I did it for her.
"She has heaven in her eyes,
And a smile upon her face,
Her laughter sounds like music in the rain,
Her dreams a filled with symphonies,
A melody of her heart,
And I sing for her this lullaby."
The last of my voice was harmonized by the gentle snoring that came from beside me. I felt the shift in the air from her heavy breaths, felt the warm that radiated from her spread through my body, all the way to my heart. I stayed still, unwilling to ruin the single moment of perfection. Minutes passed before I pressed a quick kiss on the top of her head and whispered an almost inaudible, "Goodnight".
Then, my attention returned to empty walls around us. They held no life, no love, no comfort from the world. I knew that I wouldn't be falling asleep anytime soon. But with Ella by my side, the darkness wasn't so scary anymore.
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