Again, everything is sarcastic unless otherwise stated.

Write a really elegant and insightful disclaimer, this is important if you are creating a fan fiction.

Example:

Hello everyone! This is my disclaimer about how I don't own YouTube. It belongs to Mr. Nose picker! OMFG onegi don't sue me! I like really think you will sue me if I don't put this disclaimer up, even though I like make no profit from this story and am kind of poor. I'm sure you will still get an expensive lawyer to like sue me 'cause my story is way more awesome than even Youtube itself!!

Also, I posted this at around 2:00 am, so there may be mistakes! But it's not my fault because I like don't have a brain yet and no one ever proofreads their own work anyway. I mean why nother? Before posting it or uses spell check???? I have this disorder of stupidtitious and that being a bitch problem and oh, man,  like my finger twitches when eating peanut-butter. Well,,,,, anyways read my story, but don't you dare steal it or i'll like cry. Its uber specal my baby!

Reading will never expand your writing skills. Avoid at all cost the old and dusty, Dickens, Shakespeare, Austen and the Brontes. Poetry will not help you either.  Stay way from even going near modern books in and out of your genre. Don't you dare, (you punks!) read writing articles and blogs online. As if. Ypu have no typos, your book is perfect. So don't check.

Twitter. You don't need to even bother with it. As, by now if you have used these tips you'll have a mass of raving fans! Facebok is another bad idea you don't need marketing. If you make it they will find you. Do however spam advertisements in both every waking hour, so people fall in love you and race to buy your book. But forgot about tslking with readrers, book clubs and new writes like yourself that will never work! So stay way from social media. Kiss-O-Death. Streight from Mus. Twat. I would not lie, not to you.

Chatspeak. Readers will reallllllllllllllllllllllly appreciate if you add this into your book, being that chatspeak is super easy to read too. Yup.

To make yourself sound really snappy have a character speak in another language at some point. Make sure they do this again randomly. Even better do this during much of the dialog with the other characters!

Going beyond your first draft is just silly first drafts are finished novels. Right? Why should you have to re-do your story. Its gid damn perfect, it'snot like authers have to do any actual work, right? Your first draft is not a mess that has plot lines hanging, nor messes up the charicters names, its not converted, boring, hard to read or anything awful like that. No, its a beauty.  

Back-cover descriptions are easy just paste part of your story into it and voila, instant hook! Why bother with condensing your story down when you can take the easy way out.

(End of sarcastic tips from Mis.Twat.) 

It's hard to convince yourself that your novel is taking shape, word by word, no matter how horrible you're convinced it is at the moment.

Mine was awfull in the first draft. Guess what?  They all. The biggest thing stopping a writer from becoming an auther is ....  big fat inflated ego. Go there, and you will always lose. 

Some day yours will be a good read but only if you put forth the effort required. So the question is are you going to take everything in here seriously and fail miserably... or are you going to knuckle down and put some work into it?