Several hours later, my thoughts keep returning to how I can relieve the tension. If I could just get a couple of minutes with the cameras off, it would be so nice. Only by constantly picturing myself in front of Caesar watching a review tape, with me on the tape with my hand down my pants stops me. The tension is inhuman now. I wonder how Peeta is able to deal with it. Peeta seems to be inhuman in his self-control, and it is starting to annoy me. Me I am ready to cry just over the tension.
It is about an hour before daybreak. I look down and Peeta is looking up at me, he seems urgently wanting to talk. So I do our usual trick, lay down next to him and pull the bed roll over our heads.
I say, "You ok."
"I don't know. How are you?". Peeta face has a pained look.
"I think I feel the say way as you, but what is to be done?"
"Is it still raining outside?"
"Yes"
"How about thunder, any recently?"
"Not in the last hour."
Peeta sits up and says, "I can't be dirty anymore we need to clean up. Give me your shirt." I am really confused. I look him in the eye trying to figure out what this is about. Then I slowly remove my shirt, now only in my undershirt, I hand it to him. He gets up and goes outside, and in a minute comes back with my shirt all wet.
"Time for a bath. You go first, the shirt will be our damp rag, and we will take turns holding up the bed roll so we each get some privacy to wash." Peeta is always thinking, he is so good at this. He gives the wet shirt, sits with his back to me, and makes the best privacy barrier he can with the bed roll. I need to talk to him. I throw my jacket over our heads and whisper in his ear.
"Peeta what are you doing?"
"Please, we both know what I am doing, just be honest with me."
Peeta honesty seems to leave me no room to hide. "I don't think I can do this with you right next to me."
"I sorry, if you are a tenth as tense as I am you could. Don't make me feel alone with your modesty."
"I do feel the same way, but this is hard."
Peeta laughs at me and I get mad, "I am sorry, you have to more careful with your words at a time like this." I don't understand.
"Just promise me you will try, and then give me a chance to get some relief."
"Ok" I agree not knowing what else to do. It all seems so pragmatic I don't see how I can object.
Peeta pulls the jacket down, and I lay down behind the bed roll, hidden from the cameras. Peeta just starts talking loudly about how hard bakers work and how no one understand them. I am both thankful and annoyed with Peeta. How does he know so much about things like this, has he been with a woman? On the other hand, this is exactly what I was thinking about before, could he be reading my mind, am I that obvious? I start trying to get excited, and five seconds later I am. Normally this would be quick and quiet, but I can tell immediately this time is going to be different. I do my best to be quiet, but I am still sure Peeta can hear me because he starts talking even louder. All of a sudden I think I've the perfect alibi for my behavior, the pills. The thought that I can blame this on the pills, really helps and I am biting my bottom lip as my body starts to shake. In my excitement I grab Peeta foot and squeeze it hard to let him how excited I am. When I climax I am sure I am hurting his foot. I lay there for a while, waiting for my heart to slow down, when I realize I will have to do it again. After the second time, I need to rest and I take the time to clean up with my shirt. When I finally get up, poor Peeta voice really sounds tired from all the loud talking.
Peeta doesn't say a word but lay down behind me and I stretch out the bed row to hide him. Instead of talking, I decide to sing. I start singing a bunch of random songs. Soon I've a lot of little sounds behind me, and I really would like to look behind me. I think he must be thinking of me and I start getting excited again. Soon he grabs my foot and he has a powerful grip. Then I feel his hand travel, to my underwear covered butt. He is feeling up my butt! Peeta the man I've learned to really trust with my life, is taking advantage of the situation to feel me up! All of a sudden I realize I've been sleeping with a man, a man who could at any moment take advantage of me. The idea that Peeta the man with the will of iron can break on thoughts of my body, is so exciting and scary! He really does consider me irresistible! Nothing but his love of me has held him in check all this time! Then his hand slips into my underwear. It takes every ounce of control to just keep singing. I can't believe my Peeta would do this! After a few minutes, he stops making noises and removes his hand from my underwear. When he finally gets up he has no shirt on. He can't look me in the eye as we layout the bed roll out again. But he whispers in my ear, "I am sorry." My anger subsides quickly, both of us have been pushed too far. And I am worried about him, so I grab him and give him a big long hug. Peeta tells me to go to sleep, and I lay down. As I lay there next to him, I think about how he might be tempted by me just being here. I want to say it is ok, I understand, instead I show him how much I trust him by just going to sleep.
The next morning when I wake up Peeta isn't there in the cave. When I leave the cave I find him outside.
As Peeta picks up a small bag he has made he says, "I am going out to scout out Cato and Thresh, I will be back in a day."
"What are you talking about, why do we need to scout?"
"Well I am going."
"This is madness, you are going to get yourself killed for no good reason!"
"Ok so I am now mad, bye!"
I am missing something. This just doesn't make sense, I've to keep him here with me. "Please Peeta, please don't leave me!" Peeta, just starts walking away.
I say the only thing left I can think of to stop him. "Please Peeta, I forgive you!" As soon as it leaves my lips somehow I know it is wrong, that isn't what I meant. But what did I mean?
Peeta, stops for a second and then just walks away. I'm just sitting on the ground crying. What just happened? Why did he leave me? What he said just didn't make any sense, why do we need to scout? Does he want to die? All this because he got carried away last night? Peeta is going to die and it just going to be me, Cato, and Thresh. Peeta is going to die! He is no good at sneaking! He is going to try to sneak up on them and they will hear him a mile away, and then they will kill him.
I sit there a long time before it occurs to me I could just follow him. Then I think it is no use he is too far away. In fact I don't think anything is worth doing. I'm hungry and thirsty, but I just sit there. I should check the traps, but I just sit there. I should at least get my bow to protect myself should Cato or Thresh show up, but I just sit there. I know I'm getting paralyzed with depression, but what to do? I order myself to get some water and food, and I do but only slowly and with great effort.
That night I hear the music and no one has died today. I cry again, even though I didn't hear the cannon I really expected him to be dead. Later, in the night I hear the sound of wolfs, or at least some wolf like animal. After that, I hear what sounds like someone screaming miles away. I can't tell who it is or where the sound came from. I'm shaking, waiting for the cannon sound that will tell me Peeta is dead, then the cannon sounds.
Peeta is dead!
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