I think of you every day, Derek. When I don’t concentrate on something, anything, the images of That Day haunt my memory. When I sleep, you’re there, too. I can’t forget what happened.
Those last days with you felt like a dream. A nightmare. You had changed in an instant. Your lighthearted, gleaming eyes had become dark and empty. I no longer recognized the boy who stayed up late with me complaining endlessly about those stupid infomercials. We laughed because we couldn’t understand how someone could invent something so ridiculous that it could actually make a person frustrated. Remember going trick-or-treating that Christmas when I was thirteen and you were fourteen? We thought Christmas was so over-rated. You and I always preferred dark to light. But you were light. You were a ray of light hiding beneath dyed-black hair and sweatshirts in June. That Day put out the light inside of you.
You were always there with me. Always. We were more than just brother and sister. You were my best friend. None of this was your fault, you know. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Whenever I wake up at night and my heart sinks into my mattress while the darkness engulfs me, you’re always the person that comes to mind. The emptiness of not being able to talk to you, it kills me. I wake up at night struggling to breathe. When you took your last breath, my lungs forgot how to work. It’s like I don’t know how to exist without you.
All I want when I feel alone is to talk to you. Remember listening to my rants all the time and then ranting with me just so I would know you understood?
The guilt was too much for you to take—so you took your own life. But you promised to always be there for me. And where are you now?
Sometimes I think maybe this is all a dream. I’m going to wake up soon and there you’ll be. The pain will be gone. And you’ll be back. You’ll rise from the dirt you’re buried beneath and everything will be ok again.
You blamed yourself for what happened, but you weren’t the one at fault.
I was. And you tried to take all the blame from me. You wanted it to be your fault just so it wouldn’t be mine. I’m so sorry.
You always tried to save me. But Derek, you didn’t need to be my knight in shining armor. You’re my brother. We were supposed to fight and argue and hate each other. You were always so protective of me—probably because you couldn’t forget the first time you saw the cuts on my arm. After that, you never stopped feeling like you needed to protect me.
Your voice echoes in my mind. I don’t think I can ever forget your voice, that voice that whispered jokes to me at the most inappropriate times and told me the world was a cruel place long before you proved it. 598Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZk7qDRUTlv
