You got to be honest with yourself: you’ve seen better days, girl. Insomnia was in the bed all night, leaving you with dark bags the makeup couldn’t fully cover. No matter how many times you run your hand through your hair, everyone can tell it’s a self-cut, an attempt to control the bedhead.
‘Who cares?’ You think with a grunt, putting the old, faded orange scissors back into the drawer beneath the sink. The hair cut, while a notably asymmetrical, didn’t look that bad. Hell, it could almost look like you actually do have your head screwed on straight!
And that’s what you want, of course. No one looks at or even thinks about the average, boring, sane kid. Except for your friends. The only good thing with school, really. Now, if only you didn’t live in the part of town where only one friend was close by and there was no bus route! Sucks to be you, huh?
But the thought of them knowing how much it bothers you is a real punch to the pride guts, ain’t it? After all, they all come to you for their problems, so it’s only logical that you never even think about talking with them about your own!
‘I don’t want to let them down.’ You stubbornly claim as you leave the car. Yes, because you dread the thought of even one of them saying ‘It’s better off this way’ and disappearing from your life entirely. You walk into the school building, avoiding eye contact with anyone who might be staring at you.
~
“I don’t know, it’s just…” Tally chews her fry, trying to find the words. “I don’t think I could deal with moving to a new school, especially in the middle of the semester…” She sighs, other hand fiddling with her auburn bangs. Jeez, this whole moving situation is really beating her up.
“I know you aren’t the best at making friends, Tally.” You put on a smile for her. “But you’re a really neat person, alright? I know you’ll make it.” Better than you, that’s for sure.
“I guess…” Her lips twitch to a small grin. “Well, thanks for listening. I don’t think I’ll find a better Mother Hen than you.” You roll your eyes while she throws out the empty box and exits the bathroom. You can’t say that this was the best place to have a girl talk, but it beats passing notes and getting caught by the teachers.
Unlike you, however, she can at least afford to skip class, not that you care… Maybe this downward spiral you’ve yet to admit to yourself all started when your so-called ‘Greatest Boyfriend Ever’ emailed his friends those sexy pictures of you, who emailed them to everyone else. Then blamed you. Then broke up with you. Even some of the teachers still look at you like a walking sperm dumpster today, almost a whole school year later.
Never mind that you twisted your foot because you can’t even properly jump off a building and die like a good, angsty teenager.
“Yeah, that was stupid of me, but I moved on.” You said that aloud, idiot. Luckily, no one else is here.
You don’t think that you could ever forgive yourself for doing it, though. Face it, the only thing keeping you from trying it again – including having the stones to succeed – is your damn pride.
‘I know I’m not okay, right now.’
Gee, maybe if you tried harder to move on, instead of keeping all these thoughts here on the inside, you wouldn’t go wearing yourself out by the afternoon, huh?
~
“hey, slut. Did you cut your hair when you fell from Heaven?” Is Josh trying to insult you, or flirt?
“No.” You grin. “But I got some dirt under my nails when I crawled up from Hell.”
Go ahead, keep up that smile, and pretend the thoughts that gush from your eyes before bed only stays in the night’s shade. Those random ideas about ingesting the mystery drugs Man and Dad keep in that special bathroom cabinet are just that! Random! Everyone gets them, right? Totally! Like how you’re totally fine!
You. Delusional. Idiot.
Sure, you say you’re being honest with yourself – THINK you’re being honest with yourself. But you don’t even know yourself! How can you be fine when you can’t even admit all of that!?
Smile, laugh, make the jokes! Right now, you cross your arms, a cute attempt to keep out any of your classmates from fishing out this hated neglect behind your cemented grin.
~
“Well, I’m going now.” Tally says, releasing a deep exhale. “Thanks for your support. You really are a great friend.”
“Hey, it’s nothing. I’m glad I could help. Remember, you’re a really cool person, so I know you’ll do great at that other school, okay?”
You both shook hands for the last time. She squeezed into the backseat of the car, which sped away.
Now you have no one you could possibly trust to talk to.
“It’s gonna be fine.”
Take a good hard look!
Face it! This isn’t even about those stupid sexy pictures, or half the school still mentally labeling you as a Slut. You come across as SO mature, with your head screwed nicely on these man-shoulders, and a supposedly better sense of self-awareness, don’t you!? Too bad you’re just tearing yourself apart on the inside like this! Like a stiff trying to pass a torn up book as specially old and ancient!
~
“Hey, it’s me! How is everything?” Tally’s voice sings from your phone.
“I’m okay.” You say, twirling the scissors in the bathroom. Because a little more off the right side is going to make you feel better today!
“You sure? I didn’t say anything before, but I was worried about you.” Not fine, please hel-
“I’m okay!” You ignore the chunks of brown hair in the sink.
“You sure you’re still not hu-“
“Really, I’m okay. Yeah, people still look at me weird, but whatever. I’m okay, trust me.” You hang up.
Then punch the fucking mirror! Because you finally realize that cutting your hair until you’re bald, smiling until your cheeks hurt, and burying all this negative shit is NOT WORKING!
You sink to the floor in the Fidel Position, shaking as the tears finally fell.
Please… Just say it… Stop neglecting all of you… Please…
“I’m not okay.”
ns 15.158.61.20da2
