“You alright?” It’s the third time you’ve asked me that question yet I still gave you the same answer. Pressing my lips for a little smile was all I could give. It was warm inside and the comfort it gave us never made me want to leave. That wasn’t really the reason, but I’d rather say that than nothing. A few seconds more of our breaths fogging up the windows of the parked car and it was the most silent we’ve been. You took yourself out the door with that enthusiasm of a child. A cold breeze sets in. 12 midnight. What are we even doing?
“You coming or?” You closed the door and I could still hear your footsteps muffled in my solo interior. With one breath, I decide to brave the cold outside just like you. Mine was the only car parked in the empty lot. The streetlights didn’t give much to light the moonless sky. It was the old gas station. I don’t know what you’re up to, but you were so eager for me to follow. You waited in front, as I drag my feet on the freezing concrete. It was the usual bright lights that greeted us. The swinging door was the only melody to the heater’s background music. You proceeded to add new melodies by tapping on the unopened potato chips on the shelf. One look back at me and it’s as if I should find that thing you do amusing. It is. But, I had more than second thoughts.
Your smile was enchanting. I stood by the door waiting for your next move. You were very picky but I never really know what you want. Taking a glance back at me, you held an apple in one hand and an orange in the other. Your eyes told me that I should know. It made me smile an embarrassing one. Like something I’ve held in for a long time. I take one step and I surrender to your charm. There was no one in the room but us. I take another and I felt closer to you than ever. It’s been a long time. I remember those moments when we used to do this same thing. I always thought those days were gone but here we are. You’re with me, but we don’t know each other anymore. You have a different name, different from the one I used to call you. It was a silly name that only we can laugh at. Then, it hit me. We’re only clinging to the memories we once shared. A faint imagery in my head that I visit from time to time. If only we could watch it together, you’d know how many times I’ve thought about you from the breaks and loops of that old CD. But, I’m seeing you now and it’s not the same quality I once delighted in.
You knew what I was thinking but you kept on. Ignoring the fact that we can’t be together anyway. From those oven pizzas or bottled sodas, you made me choose what I want. But you already know what I want. I miss your skin brushing up against mine as we walk. In those little touches, I could feel that same fire crawling up my veins. And my heart thumped right out of my chest, eager to break free whenever I felt the tip of your fingers trace my whole being. The same fingers touched my lips to erase the mark you left. I miss you breathing by my ear. With every gasp for air, you blend it with my name. With every inch, you equate it with a tighter embrace.
Then, it came to a time we had to face the cashier for all the stuff you placed on the counter. You had everything and I had nothing. Your excitement over the things you bought and your constant denial of the things you do to me left me standing beside you in utter frustration. So I took my chance and slipped my hand to yours. And to my surprise, your palm has been ready to accept mine. There was no struggle. The way you clasped into the spaces between my fingers told me you wish it had been sooner. It’s 12:14 and it’s time to go. And as we watched the cashier put everything you took in a paper bag, I wished for time to be a little slower. The ticking faded into mere stillness as I held on tightly. We were both silent as we let our hands say the things we never said, the words we wished we had the chance to say, and the phrases we hoped to continue telling one another. It was a short cold walk back to the car, but both our feet made it seem like we had shackles on them.
And when it came for our hands to part, there was a longing like I’ve never felt before. We faced each other, notwithstanding the cold of night. The dim lights from the street lamps did nothing to change how I look at you. And you gazed at me waiting for the words to come right out of my mouth. You were expecting a laugh, maybe a little smile of assurance will do. Your eyes were eager, but they’re also telling me to not say things I would regret. Before your eyes well in tears, I cracked my voice open. Without the slightest hesitation I affirmed,
“You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. I thought telling you that over and over would make it lose its meaning but I look at you and it only makes so much more sense.”
I tried to say more but maybe it was enough. Maybe that’s what you need from me this time. You break your tears into a smile. Your crossed arms became weaker as we stood out in the cold. And you looked into my eyes one last time, then I knew. I finally knew.
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