~this was an entry for the contest- Recovery~548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhd1qB5zqOx
Denial.
It starts with denying. Denying that it every happened. Denying that it affected you. Denying that it still does.. You deny it. You deny it from your very soul. For you, it never happened.
"This is just a stage, Clara," the doctor said. "You'll get better."
"I am better," I told him. "I'm completely fine. I don't sulk. I don't cry. Nothing's wrong with me. You know that."
"Clara, you'll get better," he repeated.
"I'm fine," I stressed.
"You're in denial," he said before he walked away.
I turned my head and saw him walk out the door. I wondered when I'd get to walk out those doors and into the life I left behind at home.
"I'm fine," I whispered to myself.
***
Anger.
When we were kids, the worst thing that happened to us was when I broke my brother's nintendo. He got angry and didn't talk to me for a day. Now that I'm older, I realized that the worst thing that could ever happen to me, happened when I lost my older brother. And now, he doesn't even get a chance to get angry. He gets the chance to not talk to me for my entire lifetime.
Things are always easy when you're a kid.
I didn't need to cry or sulk to show that I'm mourning. I didn't need to prove my grief to anyone. I knew I was grieving. I felt it all over till it numbed me from feeling anything else. Yes, I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't ready.
"You're ready today?" the doctor asked.
I didn't say a thing as I sat on my bed and stared out the window. The view never changed from this place. A tree, the branches of it swaying to the wind. And the clear water that lay just a few feet away.
"Clara?"
Coming here in this stupid institution was a mistake. But I needed it. I had had trouble accepting it.
"You want to talk about it?" he repeated.
"When can I go home?" I asked.
He sighed.
"Well?"
"Clara, you need to talk about what happened and how you are feeling before I can let you go," he answered.
I scoffed. "Talking doesn't change anything."
"Talking helps."
"Then why don't you just talk and I listen?"
"It doesn't work that way."
"Got that right," I remarked, turning towards him. "Nothing works the way you want it too. Nothing."- my voice rises- "You want things to be different. You want things to be fine, like the way it used to be. You want him alive. But. It. Just. Doesn't. Work. That. Way."
I waited for his response. I was scared that I might have been too harsh. Instead, he smiled. "That's an improvement, Clara."
I rolled my eyes and turned my attention towards the view. A bird was now sitting on the tree.
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Depression.
It hurts. When you've lost someone, anyone- you hurt. You cry. It pains. It is something worse than death.
It's numbing. Once you've lost someone, there's nothing that can undo it. No pain will come close to this. Nothing can hurt more than this.
It pains. It hurts. Make it stop.
"You're getting better," the doctor pointed out.
"Sure as hell doesn't feel that way," I told him.
"You're getting there," he smiled. "You'll be out of here in no time."
I flinched. Did I want to out of here? Did I want to leave this escape? Did I want to relive the reality?
I didn't want to. It would hurt too much.
And right now, I can't deal with this pain.
***
Bargaining.
If there was something I could do to change what happened, I would do it before I could even blink an eye. I would do anything to get him back. They call this stage- the "Bargaining." I don't really get those who do.
They say it's the five stages of grief.
You progress through each stage and in the end, everything's alright. But that's not really true, is it? Nothing will ever be alright. There will never come a time when you don't forget. The pain won't cease away. It won't decrease.
Maybe you'll get strong. Maybe, you'll have the capacity to bear it.
But now, you don't. I don't.548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNphOta3OHL
So, why- why is it called Bargaining? What are you bargaining for when there is nothing to exchange. When there is nothing to bargain. Why bargain? Everything is done. It's all over. There's nothing you can do-
***
Acceptance.
There's nothing you can do to change it.
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