One breath. Then two. Inhale and exhale. Each one was more painful than the last. My lungs burned from the effort of living, because they were tired of it. Eventually though, the pain receded, vanishing as silently as it had come. Like death. But still, I dared not move from...wherever I was. Because it wasn't somewhere I was familiar with.
It seemed I was lying on something that felt like how a cloud looks; soft and fluffy. I had never lain in such richness as this. Maybe I was somewhere good. Maybe I had finally woken up from my nightmare of a life to find that I was a princess lying on a bed of flowers. That small hope is what finally brought me to open my eyes.
I blinked against the bright light of dawn, my eyes unused to it. My vision cleared enough to allow me to look around me. To my left was a gurgling stream, bubbling with life. I stared at it for a moment, content with only gazing at it. Nowhere before had I seen such a sight. The water was a shimmery blue, clear yet deep. I felt like I was dreaming. A noise, one almost inaudible coming from my right, inspired me to glance over. And how I wished I hadn't.
"Jake." He stood above me with a hauntingly sad smile on his face, arms hanging by his sides, feet apart. His face was just as horribly perfect as I remembered, his hair just as golden, his eyes just as blue. His lips just as soft. A lump appeared in my throat. This must be a cruel, terrible joke.
"Abby." One word, and I fell apart. "I missed you." One sentence, and I broke. How was he here? There was no way for me to see him, that was impossible. Unless. Unless I was dead. The thought should have filled me with dread, sadness, misery, or even anger. But I only felt relief. Relief at finally being free of my sad excuse of a life. Relief at being reunited with Jake.
A tidal wave of emotions suddenly rushed through me unchecked. A sob burst unbidden from my throat, ugly and real. I curled up on my side facing away from Jake, bawling like a toddler that was told no. I felt a hand sweep hair out of my face a moment before a warm body curled around me. An arm reached around my waist and pulled me close. "Shh, don't cry." I only cried harder. "Everything is going to be okay, Abby. You're fine, I'm fine, everything is fine."
I don't know how long we laid there; him consoling me, whispering sweet nothings; and me shuddering with tears that ran like a river. Eventually my tears dried and my sobs died until the only sound was of Jake and his lulling voice. "See? You're alright."
He rolled me over in his arms to face him and then stared down at me like he didn't quite know what to do now. He opted to ask me a question. "What's the last thing that you remember?" I gave a non-committal sound and closed my eyes, trying to remember. I was at home picking up beer cans, dad came into the room, I yelled, he hit me, I died. That sounded about right.
Memory refreshed, I smiled up at Jake. "I remember dying." Well kinda, I don't remember actually dying but what other explanation was there for the fact that I was talking to a dead boy? None that wouldn't question my sanity. Although I can't say for certain that it was ever intact.
Jake got a distant look on his face then, his eyes glazed over, his breathing slowed. He held me tighter. Concerned, but not overly so, I tapped on his cheek and called his name to try and snap him out of it, but he didn't so much as blink. As time went on, my concern morphed into panic. I pushed against his chest and I shook him, I threatened him and I cajoled him. He didn't react to any of it. All of Jake's hard work was for naught as I once again broke down crying.
"JAKE! WAKE UP! JAKE, DON'T GO! PLEASE!" He was leaving me again, just like he did a year ago. Unable to shut it down, the memory welled up and rushed over me like a wave, pulling me in to be drowned.
I was in a theater with Jake next to me, people on the screen were shooting down some bad guys. Our hands were clasped on the armrest between the seats, his engulfing mine. Every once and awhile, when the movie was playing a dim scene, we would lean in towards one another and our lips would meet. I wouldn't let it go on for long, in fear of someone seeing us, but each time I stopped it Jake would just chuckle softly and pull away, eyes dancing with mischievous intent. Everything was perfect.
Then Jake said he had to go to the bathroom. He had drunk a whole soda so of course he needed to. I told him to hurry back with a shy smile, which he returned with a heart-stopping one of his own. The next time I saw him he was lying in a pool of blood, a bullet having torn through his heart. The person responsible was never caught.
I came back to reality with the slightest brush of a finger across my cheek. I startled to find myself with my head propped in his lap, how did I get in this position? "I'm sorry, Abby. I didn't think that you'd react like this." What did he think I would do? "Come on, open your eyes, I'm right here. I'm okay, nothing happened to me." I slowly cracked my eyes open in order to give him a death stare.
He guiltily looked down at me, his mouth pulled in a grimace. "I'm really sorry, but I can explain." It better be a damn good explanation. "You see, because of my, uh, situation I can see into the world of the living -- and go there -- in spirit. It's like my astral self." But I thought I was seeing his spirit self. So he was actually in a physical form. Huh. "But I leave my body here when I go to do it, hence why I wasn't moving."
He brushed his thumb across my cheek to wipe away a stray tear. "And while I was there I checked in on you." There he took a breath as if preparing himself for a hard task. "Abby, you're not dead."
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