"I’m Khloe Kardashian," narrates the host of E!'s new transformational weight loss show, Revenge Body, premiering on Jan. 12. "Growing up, people called me the fat, funny sister. Until one day, I started working out, eating right, and putting myself first. And you know what? I’ve never felt better. Now I'm helping others transform by hooking them up with my favorite Hollywood trainers and glam experts to turn their lives around and shut down the haters — because a great body is the best revenge.”
I totally get what she means. For my entire life, I've been the fat, funny sister. The former part of that label followed me from doctor's charts to cruel barbs on the playground, and I barely earned a reprieve. For years, I carried this fat body around with me, unable to shed society's judgments and sideways glances, uncertain of whether I'd ever be allowed to be truly happy.
But just as Khloe instructs her subjects in the first episode of Revenge Body, I believe that you can "make your haters your best motivators." With that in mind, I felt compelled to share with others who might feel the same how, exactly, to get a revenge body.
For starters, you're going to need to tighten up and tone your resilience and bravery, because your body might not ever fit into a standard of acceptable beauty. No matter how inclusive society becomes, there's a chance that you'll always have to weather insults, passive-aggressive commentary, or discrimination from someone, somewhere.
It's not going to be easy. In fact, weakness and fear are two of the hardest things for your body to lose. Don't worry, though — with a lot of hard work and determination, you'll get there. I recommend supplementing your exercises with a balanced diet of swallowing a healthy amount of other people's bullshit and moving on with your day. It tastes great with almond butter.
Once your resilience and bravery are performing at peak levels, you're ready to move on to the next step toward your revenge body: a highly regimented routine of pursuing the things you love. You're going to want to pursue those things harder and faster than you ever have before, and don't be alarmed if the mere thought of achieving your goals makes you work up a healthy sweat, or even makes your body buzz like you're kind of high. Dig into that feeling and push harder, reminding yourself that no matter what you look like, you deserve the chance to ferociously paw at whatever it is that you want in this world and peel back every layer with exacting claws.
At this point, you're well on your way to having the revenge body you deserve, so feel free to reward yourself. Call it a cheat day, call it a guilty pleasure, call it whatever you want — you've dedicated yourself wholly to your transformation and it's high time you indulged.
Eat the foods you love all of the time, especially if that means you'll be following up a salad with a couple of raunchy hot dogs from a cart. Drink beers and cackle endlessly with whoever makes you cackle the most, and don't be afraid to crack them up, too. Travel to places you've never been, whether it's the fancy bodega the next block over (they've got the good snacks) or a different continent entirely — hell, why not live there for a few years?
Do things that make you feel good, like running or swimming or stretching out your lower back on your living room floor and then giving up, because hey, bed sounds better. Have sex with people who love getting freaky with the body you've got, and spend time with the people that adore you — because even though they're sometimes difficult to find, everyone has at least one.
There's more to that last point, too. In order to get the revenge body you want, you've got to shed anywhere from 120-200,000 extra pounds — the collective weight of the person or persons who say they "aren't attracted to you" or "can't be your friend" because of the way you look. If that seems like a lot of poundage to ditch, don't worry. My revenge body plan incorporates a lifetime regimen of seeking out people who love you for far more than just your appearance and would never ask you to mold your body according to their terms.
I'm Venus Flytrap. Growing up, people reduced me to the fat, funny girl — until one day, I stopped listening to them and started tuning in to the people who said I was intelligent, ruthless, generous, adventurous, and (gasp) beautiful. And you know what? I've never felt better. Now I'm using my platform to help others transform by hooking them up with the knowledge that no matter what they look like, their lives can fucking rule — to help them turn their minds around and shut down the haters.
Because a great life is the best revenge.
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