The Picture
Something happened today as I worked yet another twelve hour shift today at the office. I heard a laugh that sounded a lot like you and I left my cubicle to see rather or not it was you. Not surprisingly it wasn’t, and the fight between me and the emptiness continues. I guide the mouse to my name on my Lifelong profile and click my name. Instantly I’m taken to my profile, find that I have 435 friends and 3,000 photos. There’s one friend, no, one love that’s missing.
You.
I scroll through my photos and find one particular picture that takes me back to all the good times we had. I was holding my then, latest and greatest smart phone and you made such a weird face that I laughed with you. The picture reminds me of how happy we were back then.
I wonder if you remember the fantasy movie we saw at the cinemas the day it came out. The movie was called, Dragon’s Teeth. It was a genre we both knew and loved and were thrilled to see together. Afterwards we went to eat at the Olive Garden, where you had three plates of chicken alfredo and garlic bread. Previously it disgusted me to see you eat in such a manner but as time passed I didn’t care. I figured it was simply your way and came to enjoy it.
Looking at the picture not only brings joy, but sadness as well. The picture of us also reminds me of my failure with you. It seems like each time I look back on it, something reinforces the feeling, such as my phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey Corina it’s me, I’m coming to pick up our son.”
“Make sure you hurry up,” I say to the man. I’d like to keep him out of my life, but he’s my son’s father and I can’t keep a father away from his child.
“I don’t recall giving you permission to tell me what to do Corina, I’ll take all the time I want!”
His words turns knots in my stomach, causing me to grip my phone in anger. As I feel the plastic begin to crush so I allow him to hear my response.
“Just like you did when Carl was born. You took your dandy ole time doing what needed to be done, including spending time with him. I don’t get why you care all of sudden!”
“Hey, last I checked you were the one that needed some “alone” time to figure shit out while I took care of him and cleaned round the house!” he spat. “So you can spare me the fucking lectures Corina. I know when my son needs my time and when he doesn’t!”
I don’t want another argument to wake Carl so I simply say; ‘Just get your ass over here and pick him up!” and hang up before he can respond. What possessed me to fall for such a horrid man I don’t know. He was a different man back then but when Carl was born he changed and not for the better. The picture of us shows me what I passed up, what I threw away for the sake of those who would eventually leave me just as soon. Of whom I betrayed.
It was ten years ago. I had heard you had gotten into an argument with someone I liked about the way someone was treated. When I heard about it I had called you and told you that you had no right to butt into matters that didn’t concern you. I cussed at you and told you that what you were doing needed to stop or else. I acted on the best information I heard at that time rather than research it for myself. I drank in the lies said about you, about how you were going nowhere in life, how you threaten people, how you’re a hateful person, all kinds of things. The picture I look at sometimes reminds me of the day I called you and did the one thing I still regret to this day.
“Look, I don’t want this to turn ugly, but I think it’s time we went our separate ways.”
“Based on what Corina?! Don’t you think a valid reason for what you’re doing?!”
“Let me see, fighting with Cameron and threatening him, spreading hateful shit around, ring any bells?!”
“Corina hello! You know me well enough to know I wouldn’t go around threatening anyone! And besides your friend Cameron threatened me after I told him that women should be treated with respect! Maybe you don’t know but-”
“No! I’ve known Cameron for a full year and he’s never shown one ounce of disrespect towards me! We don’t disagree, we don’t fight, and we certainly don’t spread rumors or get into other people’s business! I’ve known you for how long and we have arguments?”
“Newsflash Corina, friends have arguments from time to time! There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship! And you’ve known me for a very long time so that should tell you something rather than believing the first thing you hear about me! I can safely say I’m disappointed!”
“Really don’t care how you feel, and Cameron thinks I should stay away from you and I think he’s right.”
“By the way you hang on his every word, it sounds like you love the bastard.”
“And if I do?”
“Then you agree with everything he says and does, including the violence and women are good for one thing bit.”
“Fuck you! You’re just jealous because I’m not giving you any! And for the record it isn’t just Cameron that says I should cut you off. His friends all agree as well!”
“Then you should go running to them then, you always did enjoy hanging with the wrong crowd!”
“Have a nice life and don’t contact me again! You do, I call the cops and have you arrested for harassment!”
Although it’s been ten years, I still remember that conversation. That time even though I cut you out of my life I can remember the void I felt, feeling as though I made a huge mistake. You had moved away two years afterward, Cameron and I became pregnant, and shortly after he changed. He saw me as a nag and wouldn’t help me at all. When I confronted him about it he hit me. That slap made me remember what you had said, how you tried to warn me long before I cut you off. It wasn’t long before his friends followed suit, leaving me with only a few friends left. Well scratch that, only three friends left. The rest either moved away, stopped talking to me, died, or whatever case that happens in life.
“Maybe I should have dated you back then. I’m sure we would have been great together,” I said to the picture of us, wiping a tear from my eye. When you lived here you mentioned many times about how we should date, but every time you did I would come up with some excuse. How I had a lot on my plate, you didn’t have the right career choice, any excuse was good enough to keep us from talking about dating. Truth was, I was scared. I was scared that if we dated it would ruin the friendship we had. Turned out I did a good job of ruining it myself.
When you returned to town five years after we parted ways I saw you in the mall with a woman not much older than us. And it appeared you had become successful. You sported some nice clothes and you had a beautiful baby boy. I wanted to call your name and catch up, but after what I did I kept silent and just watched you go to the food court. You saw me then. We made eye contact for a moment. I gave you a slight smile before sadly walking away with my own son. Two best friends now strangers that know everything about each other. That was the last I saw of you. I had since tried to find your contact information by you’ve become a hard man to track down. What I’d like to do is catch up, apologize and well, maybe if you and that woman aren’t together, maybe talk about us. But if I know you, you wouldn’t be down for that.
Cameron will be here soon to pick up Carl. He wouldn’t be happy to find me holding the picture of you and I so its about time for me to place it back where it belongs. The best thing I can do is love you from afar. I am deeply and profoundly sorry for the way things ended between us and if one day I find you, I’ll tell you. Until then, the picture I have of us will remind me off the good times we had and you’re with me in spirit. Until then.
ns 15.158.61.18da2
