What's the first thing that pops in your head when you hear the word life? Well, I don't know with you, but my mind is blank. Not saying that life is empty, but there is so much that I can't find the right symbol or word for it. Maybe the reason is that I have still a lot to learn and discover or that I never led an ordinary life as many other people have. I have been misunderstood, ignored and seen as an oddball and wallflower too often, but I remained true to myself and will continue so.
My life is more changeable than the seasons, especially when having deep emotions, a strong will and nearly boundless imagination. No task is impossible to manage and don't mind letting my hands get dirty from hard work and learning. Still many stranger's eyes judge me before they know who they are judging, but I sometimes use that as an advantage to surprise them of what I'm capable of, after all, I like to surprise others.
After all the years of being seen as the oddball or being the wallflower, I have learned over time to read people and build a sharp intuition that has never failed me. Besides my loving parents, I have met over time a handful to true friends who I can count on, and they can count on me. As for the rest of the family, I sadly can't say family actually, as to how they perceive and act. Many people think a smaller family gets along better than a large one and vice versa, but I say as long everyone sticks together during good and bad times, that's family. My parents are from their families the so-called "black sheep", and I just got into it without a second thought or a chance. I didn't notice it until my grandmother died and the other time having my other grandfather on the phone speaking to me as if I were a secretary. There are moments I get a bit jealous when other people speak fondly of their loving family and grandparents, but I find my comfort through my parents and friends.
As an only child, solitude was never a burden or something bad, I even like it and at times need it. Hell, I even need it to write something like this or other awesome stories besides clearing my head and do things I want to do on my own. Many people of today are worried about being single for too long and not meeting the love of their life. I always shake my head to their notions with an amused grin. Scared of something so stereotypical and somewhat old-fashioned, being alone for too long won't make you bitter or bad as long as you aim not to become so and to keep in touch with your friends and/or family. That way you are never alone and love will come when it says so. Seeking after it will never promise you with happiness and love, that is why it is unpredictable and hence never go chasing after it. I have my fair share of experience confirming that love will find you with an element of surprise, but even that is something I don't focus about because there is more to life than love. I agree it has an important role but not only. I learned to find happiness from my friends, my parents, my work and hobbies and connecting to nature. I suppose many gurus say this and I learned it on my own, happiness is found from within yourself.
Since I grew up abroad in Sweden during my childhood and experienced culture-shock as I returned to Switzerland at the beginning of my teens. I have learned to see things from a different perspective and question things what others fail to ask or wonder. Everything normal or natural to them wasn't to me and hence being seen as the oddball and ignoring me. Being misunderstood kicked in there too because of the language barrier, Swiss-German was not a problem but the German in school and English. I was suffering at the time under "disgrammartism", it's like dyslexia only with building the sentences instead of the words and had troubles keeping things in mind when I heard something and storing it in my short-term memory. These false like mechanisms in my mind are there because around the age of 3; I got confused with which language to stick to. My parents spoke with me at the time Swiss-German but were travelling in the New England States in the USA for a long time, so I heard a lot the English language and picked it up pretty quick. My first word was like with many other children saying mum and dad in their native language, in my case Swiss-German but my first sentence was in English during the time in New York (in 1997), but I said it with a funny German-like accent at the time. After the travelling, my parents noticed how I fell silent and at times had a confused look when spoken in Swiss-German or German. Soon after that, they took me abroad to the south of Sweden and hence had to get along with the kids on the streets speaking Swedish. You can imagine how confusing that is when trying to pick a language in this sort of situation, no wonder having more troubles with the grammar and being quickly misunderstood. Although I am not an English native in any way or even related, I feel a strong bond to it, and the language has always given me comfort and confidence. I can express myself at best in English, and almost all my stories are written in English instead of German or Swedish as it should be expected. The irony, I have German and French heritage yet I see these languages as foreign and officially my mother-tongue is half Swiss-German and half English, I even think almost all the time in English.
Even to this day, as an adult, there some people bicker about my German grammar and that I think with English grammar, even when I lifted the disgrammartism that I once had. I agree my German grammar is very English like, but everyone now understands what I want to say or write and that's what counts in the end. In my profession, I have to write short and simple emails, and that's it, no long letters and grammar isn't valued there as in other professions. Yet my teacher in the company bickers about it, again and again, I sadly have to swallow it until I've graduated. Then I can bicker her with her English grammar in return or move away to an english speaking country and continue working there. They could bicker there at something else, but it would be a nice change for a while. I know no one is perfect and have seen how other Swiss people boast about their "flawless" German grammar that is sometimes worse than mine, it's unfair. I see to my problems and find a way to handle them while others look away from their problems and laugh at those who handle them. Adults are doing this, and that is worse than in a classroom, no wonder their children are turning so. "We are open to new cultures and respect their problems." Yeah right, not from where I'm standing, and that's not all when seeking advise, therapy and accepting your problems the insurance won't pay you, no matter how bad you really need it due to your life and health.
If you've thought that I'm Swiss I'm naturally rich, think again. My parents worked their fingers off to help me get through education and therapies. I know how it is to be poor by just having all the necessities and bit of luxury was only found on Birthdays, Easter and Christmas. I was raised into Christianity (reformed), but during my teens, I turned to Mother Nature as many other native tribes do and the Celts. Besides the English language and culture, I have a connection to nature and marvel its complexity. The reason may be that during my time in Sweden, I spent out there in nature a lot.
Still, all the bickering, bullying and being ignored hasn't changed me to a bitter and cold person. I may have a sharp tongue (rather direct and honest) and appear shy, but through these experiences, I've become wiser and stronger. I don't let people pull me down to the ground, and with many, it's not worth getting angry about in the first place. Since I believe in Karma, I know they will get their lessons served at another time. Depending on what happened, I can forgive, but I never forget. It's not a grudge unless it's unforgivable, but luckily I never went through something like that, thanks to my intuition. What others think of me is irrelevant because, in the end, the only one who cares is yourself, so be yourself, discover your inner-self and love yourself. I know it's easier said than done and I too still need to work on loving myself. When I look myself in the mirror, I see at first my flaws rather than other things. Sure bullying has had its impact from my teenage years, but it's also the unrealistic beauty image seen in movies and magazines that I have to keep reminding myself not to compare. I even say myself "Nobody's perfect" and yet, you know... Small steps do the trick, accepting myself bit by bit and sure there are days I want to stay in bed and hide and other days I'm feeling good to show it. I call it "The Phantom of the Opera issue" because the Phantom/Erik had that sort of problem too. Only I have no distorted face and luckily know how to handle people with soft skills instead with a Punjab lasso or leading them to a trap. Sorry, I'm a fan of the Phantom of the Opera. ^.^'
Other than that, I still have a strong will to live and am always curious to learn something new and want to travel. Even trying out some things that might cost me an amount of courage but in the end, no matter what happens, I've tried it. I don't want to look back wondering how could it have been if I only tried. While I'm still young, I will seize the opportunities and settle down can come later, no matter settling down on my own or with the love of my life.
Even after writing all this, I still can't find a single word or symbol that should represent life. Now that you have gotten a glimpse into my life, I hope you can learn a thing or two and know where you want to go.
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