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Life never stops showing us the vivid colors of the world where darkness never gets the chance as a choice. We always search for the brightest activities which attract us towards a happy lifestyle. 391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPnejOQma1
Looking at the kids playing makes me remember my childhood when I was crazy about cricket. Taking wickets, hitting sixers were momentary. As I grew, my choices kept on changing and the playful kid became as lonely as a cat. The lady sitting beside me is going to the office wearing designer cloth and heavy makeup, but finally, she needs to get into her office dress. Then, is it all for a show? Few people like me noticing her and having weird thoughts, what's the benefit? But maybe it's better living one's life on their own will, cause it's their choice of happiness.391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMa4NzlsI1
For me, decisions and choices are the hardest activities to perform. It's always my parents or friends on whom I rely. I feel like drowning deep into the sea, losing my breath with my eyes wide open, but still, I am living.391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEvOzK8ZHn
I am just like a puppet whose movements are controlled by strings, whose activities are determined, and whose choices are rewritten every time. I have already fallen into this darkness where my visibility has lost its clarity and I am unknown about the path on which I am walking towards my future.
Our school has given a career planning sheet to every student where we have to write about the choices of our aim. Today is my turn to meet the class teacher, she is going to discuss my career planning.
"You haven't written anything in your career planning?", asks my teacher looking at the career planning sheet.
I remain silent.
"You have to write something or else I won't be able to help you. You can write anything, anything you want to be in your life. No matter what. You don't have a plan? Why aren't you answering?"
"It's hard.", I whisper, and after a deep breath, "It's very hard".
I don't have any friends in my school cause I try to avoid unfigured problems. The classes are also very boring, they are like lectures which don't even reach my ears in the last bench. I decide to draw something and take out my rough copy, but the moment I set the pen on my page, I stop. Thoughts started coming into my mind, "How should I draw? What should I draw? Should I color? What ink should I use? …Can I really draw?". These thoughts surpass the school's ending bell, but the page remains empty.
While going back home I decide to visit a nearby park and sit there to watch my favorite animation. Whenever I watch a cartoon my thoughts, my feelings transform into their momentary actions. I feel like I am one of the characters. I cry in their sadness, I laugh in their happiness. It always makes me emotional. But I can't show my own talent or imagination, it breaks me from inside clenching onto my every heartbeat. It hurts so much. I start crying to lose the weight of this heavy feeling and then I suddenly notice that one drop of my tear falls on a hand. I look up rubbing my eyes and see a kid holding onto my skirt, tightly.391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmn3FBBHk4h
"I want an ice cream.", she says.
Finally, I lose to my feelings.
I buy her an ice cream of her favorite flavor: Vanilla. She is beaming with happiness like I am someone very close to her. Kids are really innocent. Suddenly I see a lady running towards us. She grabs her arms and starts crying loudly. Tears are rolling down her cheeks and her face is all red. She hugs her tightly and asks her to never leave her hands. As she gets up to greet me I notice that the lady is my class teacher and the kid is her daughter.
"Thank you for taking care of my child", she says, her eyes gleaming with happiness.
"No, I want to stay with big sister. She bought me ice cream, you never give me one. I won't leave her."
"Ashu leave her, she needs to go home."
It was the first time in my life when someone was so obsessed with me. I did nothing other than buying her an ice cream. Somehow it makes me happy.
"It's ok, I will leave you to your home. Let her come with me."
"But don't you have a test tomorrow? Will you be okay?"
I shake my head.
As we reach the doorstep I notice that Ashu is already asleep in my arms. I give her to Ms. Nina and say her goodbye. But then she speaks up, "Tomorrow try to answer all the questions and don't worry about the exam."391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclUZU9dUOt
Although, it won't make any changes to my heart.
I reach home and sit down at my study table. But not much time passes I start feeling sleepy. Finally, I decide to sleep. Whenever I sleep I see this one same dream: I am running. I keep on running, breathlessly, suffocating but I don't give up, never. Even then I can't cross anyone, everyone stays ahead of me, running and reaching the endpoint but I remain stuck just moving my legs, powerlessly and bluntly watching them.391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQs5nYfs4D
The alarm clock rings up and I get ready for school. I haven't studied anything but still, I am not in the mood. As the question papers were distributed my eyes fell on the blank page of the answer script. My name, class, and roll number are the only answers that I know and I am happy to have a good start. I stare at my question paper and answer all the questions with any explanation I remember.
Today is the last day of submission of the career planning sheet. I approach a teacher in the teacher's room and ask for Ms. Nina but fortunately, I got the reply which I was expecting somewhere inside my heart. She has a sick leave.
While going back home I found myself at the front of the doorstep of Ms. Nina. Before I could ring the doorbell, I hear Ashu screaming, "Big sister!". She runs downstairs and opens the door widely. As she sees me standing she hurriedly run inside a room. I open my shoes and head inside a room. Ma'am is sitting quietly holding a cup of tea. I sit beside her handing over the career planning sheet. After a peek in the blank paper she folds it inside her bedsheet. Suddenly Ashu comes running and hands me a bowl of cookies. There are dog, cat, elephant, and other shaped cookies with varied flavors.
"What is your hobby?", asks Ms. Nina.
I am stunned by the sudden question and start thinking of a proper answer. I love everything: drawing, listening to music, watching animation, but what should be my exact answer? But before I can answer anything Ms. Nina speaks up.
"I love cooking. Whenever I cook I feel like a big chef who is preparing dishes for her elite princess. My daughter also loves cooking, maybe I am her inspiration. So, how are the cookies?"
"Tasty", I say with my eyes focused on her teacup. After eating the cookies I bade them goodbye and also set off towards my house.
Today again I am watching the same dream. The repetition of the same dream never makes me bored cause I could never step ahead from the place I start. I feel powerless and helpless cause it's really shameful, I feel useless.
Today we have our physical education class. We have already run six lapse of our playground but four lapses are still left. A girl standing in my front row suddenly falls down. I quickly turn around to pick up a bottle of water but again my thoughts restrain my actions: Should I help her? Won't it be show off?
A girl approaches the table and take the water bottle. But that is not all she came for, she pushes me behind and calls me 'disgusting'. Well, somehow I deserve it.
There's an outdoor organized by our school. I have chosen a corner of the park where there is less commute of people. Half an hour passes but still, I can't make a choice of a scenery. I decide to take help from Ms. Nina and so, I leave behind the crumpled paper of unmade decisions.
"Ms. Nina, can you help me deciding an object for painting?"
"Of course, sit beside me."
She tells me to draw a nearby tree and also helps me to make some corrections. This makes me realize that how a person is said to be multi-talented. Wish I had it too.391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTgFcz3xzS
As all the students are gathered for returning school I remember about Ms. Nina. I slip out of the line and reach out to Ms. Nina.
"Ma'am, thank you for today's help."
"No, it's all okay. It's my responsibility to help a student. This also benefits my knowledge. So, it's fine."
"But ma'am I want to return you my favor. So, is there any way I can help you?"
"Okay, as you insist then come to my house tonight and accompany Ashu and me to the fair"391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iWmL97Mjc
After a short pause, I say, "Okay."
I reach Ms. Nina's house earlier than my visiting time. As I get in, I see Ashu watching television. I sit beside her and observe her curious actions as she watches the show. She looks lost and hesitant like there is something she is losing from her life. Not much longer after my thought she speaks up, "Wish I could have a superhero like showed on the T.V."391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfe9WQmF8fO
She looks grieving and mournful. This suddenly gives me the idea of doing something productive. I take some pencil colors and paper from a nearby desk and draw 'Power Puff Girls', her favorite superheroes. She beams with happiness as she holds up the paper high in the air. She screams loudly and runs to another room where Ms. Nina is getting ready.
While walking beside Ms. Nina I observe her untamed beauty which looks brighter in the lights of the fest. This tone of clarity is always hidden from the unknown world. Somehow it alters our connection. Suddenly she receives a phone call and so hands Ashu under my care. As she takes a corner for better hearing Ashu pulls me towards a fish tank filled with colorful fishes. But my attention shifts towards a family. The kid holds up a captain cap and confesses his future dream. Looking at the smiling faces of his parents I remember about my career planning. It's empty and unfilled, no proportion of my feelings can determine its identity. I am left out alone in this darkness.
Suddenly I remember Ashu and turn around to look for her, but she is missing. I scream out her name and search for her presence. As I gasp for air, I see her standing in the middle of the crowd, crying loudly calling out my name. I run towards her, pushing back the swarm of loaded crowd, and reach on my knees holding her tightly. I can't stop my heavy breathes and her rolling tears, so I kiss her hands and commit my regret. Then suddenly I notice the crumpled paper in her hands which she is holding tightly close to her heart. This makes me realize that today I have done something which I couldn't achieve even in my dreams. I left out all the people behind me, pushing away the large swarm of crowd and finally save Ashu. As I take her in my arms I saw Ms. Nina watching us from a distance. I think that she is going to be angry but she just gives me a smile, a warm and faithful smile.391Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcaQp7eoFS7
Today even I see the same dream as usual. I am running, running towards the vast sea but still, I am immovable. Finally, I stop and see others crossing me, and reaching towards their destination. For the change of the scenery, I look backward and see a vast land of green meadow. After a look at the running individuals, I start walking towards this new pathway. I find myself alone for a long way but still, I feel free and lively. It's no more suffocating, I am moving. After a certain long-distance, I see some people walking: some are running, while some are jogging, everyone is moving at their own pace. I cross many of them but still, there are more ahead. But I want to walk at my own pace which makes me the happiest. Maybe this darkness helped me to locate my North Star.
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