Outside I look for Kaiden, I can hear the commotion inside and I know it won’t be long until someone comes out of their home or the community center to find out what’s going on. I start with the bushes, then inside dumpsters. No signs of Kaiden. I’m hoping he hasn’t gotten caught again, if so, they’ll probably kill him this time around.
“Kaiden,” I start to cry out in a hushed whisper.
“I’m over here,” he yells out.
I rush over to the parking lot where he’s been hiding and start to search. It doesn’t take long. He’s hiding under a car. Crawling out he’s a tough site to look at. Blood, tears, dirt and maybe motor oil cover him. He doesn’t look like the cheery kid with the matted afro I’ve had following me lately.
“Hey, we have to get out of here,” I put a hand on his shoulder.
“You killed them all didn’t you,” he asks holding back tears.
“We can talk about it later. For now, try to find a car with keys inside,” I can’t look him in the eye for some reason.
We start to look inside the car windows and I realize I can’t even drive. I guess I’m going to learn on the fly. Luckily it doesn’t take long for Kaiden to find a car with keys and call me over. A black car, has to be an older one, lots of metal instead of plastic. Even at night I can see the paint is rusted. I recognize this car. It’s the car Bilge drove the first time I saw him. I suppose it’s my car now. Is that how this works? Sam did say get a car. I climb in the driver’s seat and start the car as Kaiden climbs in.
I try to move the gears like in the movies but they won’t budge. Kaiden is at a loss as well. I try to recall what the bus drivers would do when the temple would send us on missions. They pressed the pedals to go and stop, held one to change the shifter. I press the pedal on the left and the engine roars to life, but we don’t move. That’s the gas pedal. So the one on the right is break. I hold the gas and move the shifter, nothing happens. So I hold the break and it moves. I move it to the D2 for drive twice as fast. I release the break and the car slowly moves. I slam my foot on the gas pedal and we take off wheels spinning. I scrape a few cars in the lot before I can gain control and get us on the road towards the city.
We don’t talk on the way back unless we’re trying to find our way back. Sam was right, a car is a quicker way to travel. Soon we’re back to our apartment. Long showers and takeout, we still don’t speak and it feels wrong. I’m not good with my own feelings. Let alone someone else’s. We head to our separate rooms. I don’t really sleep. I just try to think about what I can tell him. How I felt when I killed my first...person? Are Orcs people? What about Elves? Vampires? Werewolves? I think I’m having a crisis of self, a metamorphosis. Like the book, when the man turns into a bug, a favorite of Elser’s.
I’ve never asked these questions, then again, I’ve never been away from the temple for so long. I’ve changed my mind on so many things. Perhaps I wasn’t thinking for myself as much as I thought all those years at the Temple. I wonder how different I would be if had left sooner. Would I still be making a living doing this stuff? Would I have killed so many people that I couldn’t keep track of them? Dalia, what have you done to me? I can’t blame her, I’m sure she played her role as well as I did. I’m thankful she gave me the conscience I have now. Perhaps that’s why she sent Kaiden, to by my conscience. That’s a ridiculous thought.
I can’t sleep, so I make my way to the rooftop to watch the sunrise. Kaiden is there standing on the ledge, arms spread out staring into the city. I rush over and snatch him back; afraid he was going to jump or something. He just stares at me like I woke him up from a really good dream. Confusion, anger, all that wrapped up in one. I let him go and he walks back to the ledge and takes a seat. I take a seat next to him.
“Hey, do you want to talk, about everything? Anything,” I try to open up the conversation.
“No,” he doesn’t even look at me.
“Well, do you care if I talk?”
“No.”
“Kaiden, I fucked up. I fuck up, a lot. It’s part of life. I fuck up more than most people. I’m violent, I don't have any patience. My life has been hard as fuck. My parents are dead. I never made any real friends my whole time at the temple. I don’t know how to be around people. Nobody ever taught me how to handle my emotions. I’ve been killing as long as I’ve been alive and today is the first time, I ever thought it might be wrong. You were right, I did shoot those Orcs. Some of them are probably dead. Some of them probably didn’t deserve it. You were right about the temple as well. Fuck that place. They taught me to be a killer, nothing else. I don’t know how to drive, I can’t cook, I don’t understand most technology. But they made damn sure I can kill. I don’t want that for you. This, hunter, mercenary fucked up life I live, it isn’t easy. I’ve been struggling with it, not physically but emotionally ever since you found me that day. That’s why I was taking so many beatings. The only thing I’m good at is killing, I don’t even have any hobbies. That’s what they made me. I get it, sometimes you have to kill, but they showed me that was the only way.”
For a moment Kaiden glances over at me. I have his attention, but that part was for me. I needed to say it. I needed someone to hear it.
“My emotions were kept at a minimum from the time I was born until now. When you first showed up in that building, I didn’t care for you. I was plotting how to send you back. Thought about trying to send you back,” he turns to stand, but I hold him there, “I’ve grown to like you. I don’t really know how to say it, but I guess I’m happy to have you here. You balance me out. You’re good with people, you can cook. You actually tell jokes, some of them are even funny. It’s good to have someone else as lost as I am around this city. I thought about doing all that stuff, but I gave up on it a while ago, even if I couldn’t admit it. I hated having you stick to me like a shadow, but you’re actually kind of fun.”
“Thanks,” he finally gives me a defeated answer. I’ll take it.
“Kaiden, you killed some people, on accident. When I killed someone, I was told that murder and killing are different. Murder is done with ill intent, and killing just happens. Sometimes to survive, sometimes because there’s no other way. I was told to close my heart to it. Their suffering, my guilt and despair. It was terrible advice. I never dealt with it and it just made it easier for me every time. I didn’t even need to justify it. I just did it and didn’t think anything of it. It’s too late for me, but not for you. Don’t close your heart to it. Don’t ignore it. Acknowledge that pain, that’s how you grow and move on. Even if you never forget.”
Kaiden starts to cry again, and quickly wipes his eyes while looking away. I get a lump in my throat. It feels like I’m not supposed to say this next part. Some temple training keeping me from saying what’s on my mind. I have to get it out, not for my sake but his.
“I went through a lot of shit, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to be tough all the time. You don’t have to worry about being a soldier. You just have to be you. If you want to grow up and do the kind of work I do, you’re going to kill people. Do it in self-defense, not as an ultimate solution. You don’t have to worry about shit except being yourself. If you don’t want to kill, find another way. Get really good with your magic, find a way to bind people instead. I’m not good with magic, so I can’t guide you on how to do it, but I know you can do it. I got faith in you.”
“Okay,” Kaiden nods and turns, hiding more tears.
“Stop hiding your fucking tears. I just told you it was okay,” I lose my temper and yell at him.
Kaiden finally cries. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone cry so hard. Snot starts to fall from his nose and for some reason I feel better. That’s a little self-centered for sure. I don’t know if anything I said meant as much to him as it did me. But, I’m glad I said it.
“Look, I’m going to be alright,” I wrap my arm around his shoulder. He leans in and somehow cries harder, “Are you going to be alright kid?”
“Yeah, I’ll be alright bro,” he pushes through the tears.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
