Well you fear, I've got a message for you: Decisions, decisions, decisions. My decision is you've drawn your final straw and I won't live the way you force me to. I'm giving you up to live MY way, and if I need your opinion I with not let you overtake, to take lead or charge. Let the background seep back and let me embrace it with open arms. I don't need you no longer and from now I let my suffering come to a close as I start a new chapter of me with a open mind. Unfortunately you will always be lodged in the back of my mind but I can imagine, can't I? Here's a letter I wrote dedicated you Fear, my fear and everyone else's fear (if I dare imagine you were gone):
Fellow humans, please don't cry for me at my gravestone, to beg for forgiveness because I am no longer there. I assure you I wasn't afraid and I died with pride knowing I fullfilled my life to some point, to my satisfaction. Depression may have been a problem and a driving force in my panic attack to let my body end MY life as I know it (including self inflicted damage to speed up the process). But who knows what I can predict? I only have examples to go by, to map out my bittersweet beginning, not my end. Celebrate my life and tell the tales that sent laughter, panic and pain rippling through my world and those around me. Remember my body is only something I have loaned, only an instrument to let my soul play it's melodious beat. Let my notes (organs) be used to help someone else with their broken melodies. And remember my heart will live on, my soul will live on and my legacy will live on, until we are all reunited some way or another in another desination to reach. Rotting away is my returned instrument, but my spirit soars high in another form. Don't let my passing shiver you to the core and be the reason to stop what you love-- never give it up, feel it's effect while it lasts. My dream is to not be afraid of death but unfortunately most dreams can never be fullfilled and I will be haunted you Fear. If I had the miracle of fullfilling my hope and dreams, death would be first to overcome. No-one knows what's on the other side but I imagine that one door closes another opens, we pass through a door to begin again. If I could have this opportunity to not dream of you every night as I toss and turn thinking gruesome beginnings and ends, you would release my pain. You, fear though, ignore my desperate pleads and cries and are the reason I drown silently, hopelessly in my own sorrow and nightmares.
And I will never forgive you as long as I play my beat that marches on.
ns 15.158.61.48da2
