The second period of silence after we came to the library took place for what seemed to be only minutes, but after taking my phone out of my jeans pocket and checking the time, I realized that it had been about thirty minutes at least since we've last talked to each other. The heavy silence seemed to bite into me, as if urging me to break it. I mean, it was sort of irritating not being surrounded with noises. After a while, your ears started ringing and you could literally hear the silence.
As the period of silence dredged on, it became too much for me. Sweat was beginning to appear on my forehead, and soon I bet my clothes would be covered in sweat, too. The silence was too much for me at this point. I started darting my eyes, gazing around the library – desperately trying to find something I could distract myself with. But, there was absolutely no movement or noise whatsoever in the library. And, at one point – I'm not sure exactly when – everything I'd been bottling in since we came to the library surged upward and I exploded. "Ahh!" I screamed, "This is too much." Everyone gazed over at me and I hoped that they would start talking or start a conversation or something, but their silence was relentless.
"Come on, guys!" I urged, hoping that they would just forgive me for putting David in such a dangerous position. But, it did ultimately kill him, I thought.
"What do you want from us, Astrid? You put David in a dangerous position for no reason," Gwen finally spoke, probably thinking that no one else was going to do it but her. Her voice was extremely soft and very far-away, though. It was obvious that no one had forgiven me yet, which I didn't expect them to at the moment. I mean, they were right. I had the real journal all along, which meant there was no point for David to guard a fake one in the library. I felt stupid right now, which wasn't very usual.
"I know, but I just want you to forgive me. Don't you see where I'm coming from with this?" I asked, hoping that deep down in their hearts that they would at least try to forgive me. I mean, they were my friends, right? I mean, I wasn't trying to tell them what I did was right. I was just hoping that they would see that I didn't mean for David to get killed by Anonymous. No one had even mentioned this out loud yet, but we were all thinking it. We all knew that's what happened.
"No, we don't. Astrid, you're asking us to forgive you for doing something unforgiveable," Gwen responded, shooting a nasty glare my way that told me I wasn't going to be able to talk them into forgiving me. They would have to do it in their own time.
"Fine, but at least don't stay mad at me forever. That above all things would break us all. You know that," I spoke, generally speaking to all my friends, but to Gwen in particular. Maybe if Gwen stopped being angry at me, the others would too. And, just like that, an idea blossomed inside my head.
"Well, you see...what you did...it wasn't..." Gwen stuttered, obviously at a loss for words. I could tell that she was going to be the easiest to break and that after she wasn't upset anymore, the others would fall in line like dominos. Look, I knew this was wrong, but I also knew that my friends were being a little stubborn. They weren't as mad at me as they looked. They just thought it was the right thing to do, since David was probably dead right now. I would never say any of this out loud, but it was the truth.
After a few minutes, Tanner cut into our conversation, stepping away from Sam as if Sam would be mad at him, "Look, maybe we're being a little too harsh. It's not necessarily Astrid's fault that David is dead. He would have died in any circumstance of our plan. Wherever we put him, Anonymous would have found a way to murder him. If David had been near us, we could all be dead right now. Astrid putting David in the library saved our lives...even if it didn't save David's."
"Are you saying that our lives are more important than David's? Because if you are, you're as crazy as this plan was," Sam said, shooting an angry glare at Tanner that made Tanner back away farther and tense up a bit.
"No, he's not saying that," Gwen said, making this an argument, "he's just saying that Anonymous would've found another way to kill David if he had been in another place. And it could have harmed us if he was with us. It was just safer for all of us if David wasn't here."
Sam's face mellowed out after this was said, and the red drained from his face, enough for Tanner to step back to where he had been standing before. It looks like I've done my job, I thought silently to myself, an inquisitive look in my eyes as I watched the situation resolve itself. After a while, though, I heard Tanner say something and I listened carefully.
"Astrid is not the one we should be angry at. We should be angry at Anonymous. He's our enemy," Tanner said, a deep, dark, and evil look in his eyes, one that made me think I shouldn't have manipulated them.
* * *
After I had been forgiven, I felt horrible, which was ironic since I had initially felt bad that I hadn't been forgiven. I had literally tricked them into forgiving me and now they weren't angry anymore. But, this disappointment with myself also made me feel bad about letting David stay here with a fake journal. I can't believe I stooped so low to have done something like this. My stomach was fluttering now. Soon, I would start to sweat...and then I would do really bad things just to not feel the guilt.
I know this, because it's happened before. During the summer after eighth grade, I had experienced a lot. I had just broken up with a guy, one my parents had approved of, and I had just become friends with Sam and Tanner. This was the summer that the Team Of Mystery had started. Everything had been going great for me that summer, but after going to a party one night, everything changed.
None of my friends had ever been to an upscale party like this before, so it was all so new to us. But, my ex-boyfriend had been there and he had made me feel so guilty for breaking up with him, so I had...kissed him and the night had ended so fast that the events of that night are still very unclear to me.
After that party, though, I had confronted him and told him we were done for good. He had been so depressed afterward that his downward spiral took him to such a low status in high school that he had no friends. He still has no friends anymore.
That guy is now dead. Dead because of me, because I'm now dating Sam, and because I have friends. Because I used to be at a low status in middle school, and now I'm as popular as he used to be. I guessed we switched places at the beginning of high school. That's why I started to date Sam. I still felt kind of guilty for doing those things with him that night and because he was just so depressed.
That guy was Howard Finchman. Now, you know why he hated me so much...and my friends. The reason I'm scared of acting out again is because...I killed Howard Finchman. After I had left the beach, I started the walk to my house, but turned around to meet up at Sam's as a surprise for him. But, on the way there, I spotted someone lying on the ground, overshadowed by the darkness of the alleyway. I rushed over to the body and noticed that it was Howard's. I didn't know who had done this, but I still had guilt inside me, so I dragged his body into the woods and had been prepared to bury it if hadn't been for Howard not being dead at all.
I saw that he wasn't dead, and I reached for a rock. I wasn't going to give up an opportunity to make all my guilt go away. But, I heard someone coming, so I ran for it. I ran so fast that I never knew who the person was or why they were there. I mean, of course I know now. It had been Anonymous. If I hadn't dragged Howard there, he wouldn't be dead right now. Just like with David, Howard's death was my fault. You could say that Anonymous would have found another way to kill him, but it was still my fault.
After thinking about all of this, I finally came out of it and everyone was staring at me. I started to experience flutters in my stomach again, but a question from Gwen focused me on something else, "You okay?"
"Yeah," I replied back, hoping that my smile would mask the unease on my face, "I'm just really tired. I should probably go home and get some –"
"– I can't believe you want to go home. I mean, don't you think we should tell someone about what happened tonight?" Sam cut me off, speaking in an unbelievable, but calm, tone. I knew someone would cut me off in mid-sentence. They might have forgiven me, but they were still unsure if I cared about David or not. I could sense that was what they were thinking of.
"Look, maybe she's right, Sam. It's been a long day for all of us. We all need some sleep," Gwen stood up for me, probably figuring that if I was allowed to go home, she would be too. I know that sounds kind of selfish, which is something that Gwen does not normally have, but things are going to take a long time to get back to normal.
"Look, Sam. I know you want to get justice for David, but telling the police tonight is not the right way to go," I said, trying to make Sam feel better, but something had changed between me and him tonight. He avoided eye contact with me constantly, and if he did look at me...it wasn't the same sweet, gentle look he usually gave me. The way he looked at me now was filled with anguish and maybe a small bit of annoyance.
"Then what should we do...Astrid?" Sam fired back at me. The way he said my name now made my blood run cold. I would've never thought tonight would end this horribly.
"Let's just live out this week normally, like we did last week. Then, we'll make up a plan that will allow us to tell the police what happened without telling them about the Death Disc or Anonymous. We'll execute the plan on the weekend. That way, it won't interfere with school," I explained, hoping that Sam would understand and maybe soon feel love towards me again.
After a moment's silence and anticipating expressions on everyone's face, Sam finally answered, "Fine."
I was hoping that he would say "I love you" or something else along the lines of it, but he didn't say anything else. That seemed good for everyone, because Gwen started to walk towards the door, along with Tanner who was right behind her. Sam was about to leave, too, but I stopped him.
"We need to talk," I said, a pleading look in my eyes as I held a hand against his chest, trying to stop him from leaving.
"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Sam asked with a restless tone of voice.
"Are we still good? I mean, do you still love me," I asked, hoping that he would find it in his heart to love me again.
"Yes, Astrid. I know that you were just thinking about the greater good and I might not have done what you did if I were in that position, but I still love you. I always will," Sam said, smiling at me as he usually did, and the same cheerful glint in his eyes that I loved was back in his eyes – those deep brown eyes.
"I love you, too," I said, leaning in to kiss him. He leaned in closer to me, too, and our lips met.
After savoring the kiss that I had been waiting for all night, it was over and the night had become sweet again. Sam said goodbye, left, and I was all alone in the library, my only friend the silence that dredged on. After a few minutes of silence and peace, I opened the huge double-doors at the front of the library, and walked onward. But, just as I was about to cross the street, my phone buzzed with an incoming text. I slipped my phone out of the pocket on the back of my jeans and turned it on. The flaring text was evident on the screen.
From: Anonymous
To: Astrid
Well, it looks like you're high and mighty again. But, don't think I'm going to let you stay there. You tricked your friends into forgiving you and you've done some pretty bad things in the past. You better stay in line or you'd better be sure that your friends will find out what you did two summers ago and what you did to Howard. Not so high and mighty anymore, are you?
After reading the text, a whole new wave of guilt washed over me, one so overpowering that I had to sit down. I hugged my knees, just hoping that this night would eventually end. Even though I hadn't called my mom to pick me up, I imagined her pulling up beside the sidewalk and pulling me into her arms and then driving me home. But, this would not happen tonight. This realization brought tears to my eyes. I started sobbing and soon I was grateful for the peace and quiet and for the fact that no one was around in the deep of night to witness my crying.
After a while of just crying on the sidewalk, I wiped my tears away and walked home.
* * *
A week of no mystery solving really kept your stress at ease. The calmness of being a sophomore and the carelessness of being a teenager was a life all of us wanted. But, too much had happened already since the beginning of the school year, well...before the school year in this case. We all knew this relaxing week would be temporary and that we would probably go back to a life of misery and mystery when Saturday came. See, these were the kinds of thoughts that made my stomach clench as I sat in class, desperately trying to just listen to the teacher.
This had happened a lot for me this week – not just for me, but also for my friends. We had done a lot of talking after school some days about whether we actually wanted to start the mystery back up again. We knew we would have to tell them about David if we decided to start it back up. We were still worried that the police wouldn't believe our story, which we hadn't made yet, but above all, we were scared that they would find out about our new mystical mystery.
* * *
A pool of sunlight ironically shined through the blinds on this very dark and gloomy day. The sunlight glinted in my vision, which caused me to stir. The room seemed so peaceful as I stretched my arms in bed this way and that, narrowly missing a glass of water on my nightstand. As I started to fully wake up, I remembered what we had to do today and I answered that thought with a groan.
I hung my legs over the side of the bed and reached for my phone, which was patiently waiting for me on the nightstand. A cacophony of buzzing was not present, like usual, but a stream of texts was evident on my home screen. All of them were from Sam. Most of the texts were asking if I was awake and a few of them asked me if I had figured out how we were going to tell the police about what had happened last week.
See, the thing is, when there's something important I need to tell or discuss with someone, I usually call them. So, I ignored the texts and called Sam. The phone rang once before Sam picked it up.
"Hey," Sam said, which wasn't what I expected him to say judging by how frequent he had been texting me last night. I guess he's just trying to act calm, I thought.
"Hi, uhh...what did you want to tell me?" I asked, a hint of awkwardness in my voice as I continued. "You've been texting me for the past five hours. I figured you wanted to tell me something important."
Sam paused for a little while before replying, and after a while of waiting for him to say something, I eventually got a little antsy. "Sam, you still there?" I asked, wondering if he had gotten nervous or something of that sort and bailed out on calling me.
No one answered my question, though.
Sometime within the next few seconds I realized Sam wasn't on the line anymore and hung up. A burst of rage bubbled up inside me, one so great and uncontrollable that I was about to call Sam again. But, a buzzing sound on my phone interrupted my thoughts. I reached for my phone and clicked it on, the screen coming to life with an illuminating white light splayed around me. I went to my messages and read the text so fast that I didn't get to see who sent it: Come look out your window.
I figured it was a text from Anonymous without any doubt enlisted in my mind, but when I rushed to my window and looked out of it, there was no stalking figure dressed in a black hoodie standing outside. Only Sam.
I let go a sigh of relief and opened my window to yell at him. That's right – yell at him, not talk to him. I was still angry at him for hanging up on me, but maybe he had a good reason. Maybe he wanted to tell me whatever it was that was so important in person.
"Please don't be mad at me, Astrid," Sam begged desperately from below. Sam had his hands up as if to show me something, but there was something protective about his mannerisms. Almost like he was scared of something. That's when I realized I was scowling at him – my eyes made of jets of fire directed at him, my lips taught. He was scared of me at the moment. He was scared of me. I tried to take my scowl down a notch, hoping that this would let him talk to me without stuttering in fear.
"Well, it's kind of hard not to be at the moment, since you hung up on me. I thought you needed to tell me something important. You've been texting me for the past five hours, non-stop, and then in the middle of telling me...you hang up?" I said, rage that was deep inside me before this conversation now rising up to my surface.
"Look, I'm sorry. But, the thing is...this isn't easy to tell. It's something that I really wanted to tell you in person," Sam said, now so desperate that I could see right through his mask of strength. Deep down, he was scared right now. Really scared. This made some of my rage go away, and I was still angry with him, but I knew he was going through a hard time. Whatever that hardship was...I needed to help him through it.
"Fine. Let me come outside to talk to you. I'll be out in five minutes."
* * *
Sam had been waiting for about fifteen minutes by the time I arrived outside. I had gotten sidetracked by my parents in a long conversation where they asked me where I was going and I lied by saying I was going to hang out with Gwen. They believed me, though, and I was able to talk to Sam outside. I asked him to walk ahead of me for about five minutes until we were out of sight of my parents. We were in a shaded alleyway a few streets off of where my house was.
Sam turned around and it almost looked like he was divine for a moment. Half of his face was shrouded in darkness from the alleyway and the other side of his face was shown in light. Only then did I realize only half of his body was in the alleyway, which was why the other side of his face wasn't shrouded in darkness.
"So...what did you want to tell me," I asked, hoping that this time he would actually tell me and that I wouldn't need to go through another one of these conversations. Our relationship has been kind of on the edge recently, with everything that happened to David and such.
"Look, Astrid. I know that our relationship has been kind of weird this past week, but I want to mend things," Sam explained his feelings, and he was about to say something else, but I shot in a word or two of my own before he could even begin to speak.
"Is that really what you wanted to tell me?" I asked.
That was all I said and it was such a short question – but also hard to answer. A short, but hard-to-answer question...that would most likely change my life if it was answered. A bunch of what-if questions roamed through my mind then in the time between my question and Sam's reply to it. I just couldn't help but think that whatever Sam was going to tell me could ruin our relationship. Maybe that's why he wanted to tell me it in person and maybe also why it was so hard for him to tell.
But, eventually Sam did reply, "No. That's not necessarily what I came to tell you. Things have gotten really serious between us and I don't think we should keep it a secret anymore."
See, that part confused me. I thought for sure he was going to break up with me or at the least ask for some space. But, I guess I was wrong. No, he wanted to do the opposite. He wanted to make our relationship official by telling everyone.
"So, you want to make it more obvious that we're dating? Like hold hands in the halls or kiss each other in the locker area?" I asked. Now that I was asking it, it did seem kind of silly. I don't see why that would've been such a hard thing to tell. Plus, a lot of people had already caught on at school. So, that meant that there was something else to what he was saying. And, I'm pretty sure I knew what it was.
Before I could say it out loud, though, Sam replied to my question. "No, not like that. I mean that I think we should tell your parents we're dating," Sam said, a period of absolute silence building between us after his words were out there. Now, I knew why it had been so hard for him to tell me that.
"You do know what's going to happen if we do, right? My parents will be so disappointed in me. They want me dating someone with straight A's, not someone who's the star of the football team. I'm not saying that I don't like you because of it, but...that's all they see in people. They want me dating someone who they think is smart. But, I do think you're smart, just not in the same way as my parents want you to be.
"You see, if I ever told my parents we were dating, they would lose it. I mean, truly lose it. They would most likely ground me for weeks and not let me see you or any of my other friends. I don't want to live a life like that. Plus, I love you too much to lose you," I said, my voice so fast and punctual that it seemed like I was ranting. I mean, I don't know...maybe I was ranting. But, that's not the point. The point is that I really don't want my parents to know Sam and I are dating. It would mean the end of our relationship for sure.
"Look, Astrid. I know you think it's going to end if we tell them we're dating, but...keeping it a secret makes it seem like we're ashamed to be together," Sam responded, his usual mask of strength overpowered by his sorrow and confusion. All of his emotions were currently displayed and it was all because of me. I felt really guilty at the moment, not just about being such a bitch about this, but about other things...like the Howard Finchman thing.
"Why would I be ashamed of our relationship? Why would there be any reason that I would be ashamed of what we have?" I ask, now confused about what he was saying. I mean, he was really starting to freak me out. I don't think this argument is about whether or not we should tell my parents we're dating anymore. Maybe it was about something else...something he probably shouldn't have brought up in the first place.
"I'm not necessarily saying that I think you're ashamed of what we have. I just think that it would be a let-down to the love we share towards each other for people to not know," Sam explained, momentarily relieving my paranoia a bit.
Just as I was about to say sorry to him, my phone buzzed. I reached into my pocket for it and pushed the "On" button on the right side of the phone. The screen lit up and I looked at the incoming text message I had received. It was from Gwen: You ready? I am. Meet up @ the police station. I brought Tanner.
This text message changed my mind on what I was about to say, but the end of this conversation could be postponed. "Gwen's ready to go. She wants us to meet her at the police station. I'll reveal the plan once we get there. We'll have to talk about this another time," I said, rushing back inside. Just as I was about to close my window from earlier, I couldn't help but see Sam walking away with the same sorrow he had in his gait the night David was murdered by Anonymous.
That part saddened me the most. I didn't want to ruin things with Sam and that's exactly why I didn't want to tell my parents about us. He was just making this whole thing into another thing. What he was saying had nothing to do with why I didn't want to tell my parents.
I truly love him and all he wants to do is throw it away, I thought to myself.
I hurried to get ready and within ten minutes, I was out the door, leaving all my sorrow and drama behind.
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