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下班回家，淋浴。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5gnkc24Pj
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ca5KfRMcB
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCg0aGL5TG
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbS2gXkuDy6
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUIe6dSL9r
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEk9Fka4nl
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNudQ0UUp9
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCJWA0c1A4
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsGsmLIVMJ
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xG9AY07CC
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMx9Hc8FpNh
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1wRAX5hvJ
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbGTJOHXAK
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6IQxXgVrh
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxXDjfitXU
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcy6BsjNJA
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rX7cbF6Xt
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcEgRdTqata
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRxbnP29Dr
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEYMX2vCgS
啪——啪——166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoHOVAFymm
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcr2pZvaSET
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpE3u4liNf1
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbJkBa6nth
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhWN5X0qHv
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYgaFu18gs
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINEkL20SyT
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRm7xu4OcpG
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ehox5IAWp
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNVogX7XQ2
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQx3pGwXDhh
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3AVK6rgaBp
算了吧。沒所謂。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEXRkxbbw1
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3H9QYg5kVn
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgquYeXbNCZ
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknR8aXIbQe
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNwR34OjlL
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AHmMfRYYg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7HQj0Lak9
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaVxtc8ZLl
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZR7IlFgk2
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDmuoTSLYE
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiB7caaDeKf
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdjj1Igy5P
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFV5OnVLMYf
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiyV6gz5sp
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEZ6nmCppM
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrAzJwDDWq
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QcyNO8pfQ
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxX9JjOwrk
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIjpm96T1O
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8cnJNzw1m
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw4ZTWHHNI9
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7FZLU6aZK
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKR3eJOP3BQ
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcKg6u83mL
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkqSoCZngz
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhWrvrflaS
我頭也不回開門離家。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ixzO8lR1K
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3K3pGnnTi
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncoTNtzXQ4
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCFagwbzzt
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8EmmqN7H8
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOE8n3sUJL0
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzD7gONAOpt
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLokWk0jlk
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibxxISu8zk
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9ziiDfzw7
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDFesXUjFf
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4CR0ehjkJ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoKFzlEHr9
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdv6X4EKrtb
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89sICctSSs
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWjIJ5ZuVz
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsfmELCIKC
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7Oqz1sFvL
「你不開心？」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5N0vwrXQy
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEwXEvc1cS
「是的。但與你無關。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHB2WYqL85
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KzL8Z4e1n
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1k0b2xIkR2
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60dNJpxZ5D
「還有菸嗎？」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnN6OKWnp6b
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8abi1Z1t7
「有。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5D4MfPPx4F
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRdmkpZRCd
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQphTlIDcx
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yJJoclZjo
「俊仔還好嗎？」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZhOXobS6P
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvgktOcv5I
「與你無關。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQOwSzYjbc
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzqb3hafNB
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwng4RIxd8
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0yXCUPI5c
我幽幽一笑。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRL5njXqga
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCeTjB4JwQ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGr31GqCrL
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhhZMVuWeC
「多少？我付！」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBFfkZWpMu
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyDZmqY4B3
「五萬七千五百元。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybWbhJibfC
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZoaZbXAjJ
「好！沒問題！小意思！」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OcxZPC5WD
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjfiLpg5YT
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKX9bHN9l9t
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNma4taDNph
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyJCvsN4tp
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEYCt0OIq3
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9F42M86yX
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMaGsj4Qr8
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8Uer5ukgT
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11uNnz295Y
「阿顧，對不起。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMp8adt5UL
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLov4G3wE9
「道歉有屁用！」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglw2k89hsV
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJ3MArdOoB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1ackMDgLY
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCLnUYxtyY
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyt9qNYnAa5
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKA8Kf1Ap2
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjtkz280KF
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj6AJnYHkBA
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpFUDfQtp2
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHK9LpnVlv
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmy7H8ykq5D
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBKjIADoQt
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgOt7Q6gok
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyaZH2aHpZx
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLRbY31Zp9
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Vo95h7Pd7
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPRhTRlF1M
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsrZrZTsAi
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeUokwJ3gk
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7cihAIuKC
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmLjS3Qwhc
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUSsTXYkdT
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lwRxFej9r
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNVZVgotyr
我活該……我活該……我活該……166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrp2kWckLp
166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNzUEOnanj
我如此催眠自己。166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXTfIgTEj8
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns 15.158.61.55da2
