The next few days, I stayed in bed and told everyone that I was sick. In a way I was. I was imagining a boy that appeared, asked a weird question and disappeared again. I was the only one that could see this boy, which made me think that I was either very stressed or gone crazy. I was sure that a few days in bed will bring sanity back to my life. I had a bottle of wine to keep me company and I could look out the window at the world passing away.
Andrew visited me. He offered to do all my duties. I was like a schoolboy with a crush when he was with me. He was so cute and I just dreamt of Andrew and me embracing. I knew the church did not support homosexuality. In a way, I already sinned as I have had many dreams where Andrew and I have done every gay thing possible. I have admitted to myself long ago that I was in love with a fellow priest. This was something I would have to live with.
After a few days, I was up and hanging around with a bathrobe on. I was still sick. This did not stop me from eating non-stop, smoking and drinking. I did not consider that all this was bad for my body. It is just something that I have been doing for ages.
The superior asked me in his office. He suspected that I had some problems that made me sick. He was an old and serious man, but he was good at reading people. He thought it would help me if we talked about the problem I had. I put on my best smile and told him that was a minor case of influenza. I could see that he did not believe a word I said. This has to be the way it was. I could not tell him that this boy was haunting me. He was a boy that no one else could see that was asking humiliating questions. The superior was an old man and had little patience. He would lock me in a padded cell.
The next day, I was looking out my window. Andrew knocked and came in wondering if he should do my duties. Then we stood quietly and looked at each other. He asked me was there something I wanted to say. I just looked into his eyes and without thinking, I leaned forward and kissed him. For a moment, Andrew collapsed in my embrace and for a moment, we were on a pink cloud.
"What are you doing?" Andrew said as he pulled back, "This is so wrong. We are meant to serve the Lord and not fall in love with each other. Two men having sexual relations is a sin!"247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfn8dC65Sq2
"We cannot help if we love each other."247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2DL3lNMth
"I am not gay! I consider it a sin."247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxP3IAvOgv
" You are human, you kissed me back. Love is not confined to gender."247Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmdtJwOzZF
" I am a priest. I am supposed to be an example for the parish. I will not be part of this sin"
Andrew stormed out of my room. I was standing there unable to move. I was wondering if I made a mistake in trying to seduce a fellow priest.
It appeared as if I made a serious mistake. Andrew did not speak with me after "the kiss". Every time he looked at me, it was with a disapproving look. I felt like I lost the only friend that I had. I wanted to apologise to Andrew but did not know how I would do it. Besides wanting to apologise, I was unsure if it would be genuine. I was in love with Andrew and I could not help it if he was a male or even a priest. It was as if I was obsessed with the love I had for Andrew.
One good thing was that the boy did not appear. I am sure that he would shed some light on my sin and make me feel worse. Then again, maybe this is what I deserved or needed. The boy has been right in many things. He made me realize that I was not happy and I felt so alone in this world. Now that Andrew was avoiding me, I was more alone. This made me think that it could be nice if the boy appeared. I would be forced to listen to him, but at least I would be with someone.
Even if he was not real and just a symptom of my madness.
As I said, a few days went and Andrew avoided me. One morning after we ate a big breakfast, he asked the superior if they could talk. When he said this, my heart skipped a beat. Would he confess to the superior and say that I tried to seduce him. My sin would now be made public. It would be humiliating and it could mean that I would be disciplined.
I told everyone that after being sick for so long, I needed to get some fresh air. I decided to take a long walk. I had no clue where I was going. I just needed to get away from everything and think.
As I walked, I thought that the whole situation with Andrew was a mess. The Church believes that homosexuality is wrong. However, there were gay priests. How can loving another person be a sin, even if that person has the same gender? I wondered if Andrew followed his heart and not what the Church said if he would accept my love. I was sure that we could be very happy together.
I walked and walked as my mind was in turmoil. If Andrew told the superior, what trouble would I be in? Why could that boy not have shown up and told me it was a bad idea to kiss Andrew.
I found a park and sat beside a pond. It was so peaceful here. There were ducks in the pond and they seemed also at peace. This was a perfect place to forget my troubles and just let time go by. It reminded me of where Jesus told us not to worry. God took care of every bird and blade of grass. Why did humans worry about the smallest things when the most fragile things around us survived.
I just sat there and looked at the ducks as they groomed their feathers. I could hear the faint sound of cars passing by. I considered myself lucky that I could sit in a peaceful area surrounded by flowers and trees, with a pond that had its own life. Most other people were rushing to nothing special. They were constantly looking at the clock and being stressed thinking there were not enough hours in the day.
This homeless boy sat down on a bench next to me. He was not a nice sight to look at. He could use a bath and it looked like his clothes were not washed for years. His clothes seemed so worn out, that they could fall apart at any time. He had a trolley full of his life possessions. I could not help but look at him. Was he just down on his luck or was did he prefer this way of life?
The man found a paper bag in his trolley and started to give the ducks some bread. I have seen this before, but this nearly made me cry. I think all the problems I had was making me emotional. What stroke me was that the man was smiling as he had done this and it seemed like he was living in the moment.
"That homeless man is so happy"
I looked beside me and it was once again the boy. I invited him to sit on the bench next to me.
"It looks as if you missed me," the boy smiled. "That man is so different from you. He does not have a cosy life with plenty of food and alcohol. He does not have a warm bed or a woman that does his cooking and cleans up after him. His problems are way bigger than kissing a man."
"You do like making my life sound so spoiled and miserable" I responded
"Let's talk about the homeless man. He has no family and no house. His friends are fellow homeless people and the ducks. All his possessions are in that trolley and yet yesterday he gave his blanket to a homeless woman with a smile. The world would wonder how such a man could be so happy. The fact is that he is happy than most others. He is a kind man that is proud of who he and he knows what he wants."
I just nodded my head. All this added to the turmoil in my head. Since I have met the boy, I have been wondering who I was and why I was so unhappy. My life was not as simple as the homeless men. I felt lost and alone. The only person who would speak with me was a boy that no one else could see. It was as if I no longer knew who I was,
"Your mom has not seen you in a long time," the boy said and then disappeared.
I started to walk home again. It was some time since I thought of my mother. The boy was right. It was about time that I visited her. The superior said nothing to me when I returned so I assumed that Andrew did not confess. I had a short talk with the superior and told him that I needed to visit my mother. He did not seem interested and just told me to do what I thought was best.
Mom was so happy to see me. She was also worried. One of the few things she said was that I looked so sad and in a mess. I must admit, that I had a few beers on the train, but I was not at all drunk.
Mom told me that she will make a cup of tea. I could put my bags in my old room. I just stood there and looked at it. It was not changed since I left it. I remember the memories come back. I remembered that I spent a lot of time here as a child. I would be practising for choir or pretending I was saying a mass or reading. I put my bags down and looked at my old books and toys. I couldn't help to smile. I was now home and felt safe and that everything would be ok.
Then I found an old school picture of me. My heart started pacing quickly as I saw it. I even dropped the picture.
The boy in the picture was me. How could I forget what I looked like as a child? The strange thing was that the boy in the picture was also the boy that was haunting me.
The boy that has been appearing to me over the last few weeks was me!
To be continued
ns 15.158.61.20da2
