Technically, the first words of this story are contained in the dedication I just wrote, but I don’t know if that actually counts or not. One could argue that not even those words count, for I wrote a story blurb before this. For lack of clearer phrasing, I hope to connect with you, the reader, for a second (this THIS letter) to get on first name basis.
My pen name is Gideon R Zimmerman. I chose the name based on the origins of my own names, with the national origin of each name relating to that of my given name. I’ve chosen to use a pen name for the sake of anonymity, security, and just general social ease. My code word for in person greetings is the name of this book, “Ambivalence”. Don’t abuse this privilege- if we meet in person, my anonymity is still expected to be upheld to the best of your ability (barring putting yourself or others in harm’s way, of course).
I’m writing this book because as an adolescent I grew fond of “venting” my frustrations through art and poetry, and now, after years of military medical service, familiar trauma, and my own mental health struggles I have decided to document a quasi-history of my thoughts and experiences. If you are curious about my background after reading some of these poems, feel free to contact my writing email at gideonrzimmerman@gmail.com. At the present (Fall 2021) I have been diagnosed by licensed psychiatrists with Major Depressive Disorder (Recurrent), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD, and I am in the process of getting accurate diagnosis’ for ADD, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I do not know if all four of these disorders / neurotypes apply to me, but my intention with sharing this is to inform you that I am not the most mentally sound person at the present time. I have been graced with a surprising amount of wisdom throughout my lifetime, and naturally that has brought with it a fair amount of arrogance. Think of David, specifically of the Christian bible; he has been described as a man after his own God’s heart, and yet the tragedy of Bathsheba is a hard reminder of his humanity. I, however, am not a man after my own God’s heart. That is the beauty of becoming. Or it could be a purgatory, depending on how you look at it.
I feel like it’s lampshading to say, but I swear I’m not intentionally trying to be pretentious throughout this book - if I come off as pretentious, I promise you it’s genuine. If you notice this, please feel free to leave a comment, critique, or a “snap the f%ck out of it” at any time and I will rectify as needed. Honestly, I just want to get my words and thoughts out there, and I’m curious to see if others either enjoy or are inspired by this work. If not, no worries - this can always be my own personal journal, never to grace the eyes of all but a few.
Thank you for making it this far,
GRZ
ps. Yes I understand that the heading is redundant, but hey, my first idea was to call it “Foreword - Genesis” which would have been WAY worse and now it’s only noticeable (and annoying to) people who notice that kind of thing or actually read this letter, which is kind of rad and also your own fault lol.
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