It is me again, Yui. Or Yume? Can't take decisions for shit, oh well.
These days, I started meditating again. One mark of my life, something that many of you can probably relate to, is that I will start doing many things, just to quit them after a couple of weeks (or days). Well, it's been twelve days since NaNoWriMo started, and guess how many words I have written in the book I wanted to write? That's it, zero.
But it's not just that. Countless things that I wanted to read or learn got simply forgotten in time. Languages are a prime example of that, the list of the languages I tried to learn but gave up is simply huge. The ones I can remember off the top of my head are German, French, Polish, Finnish, Irish, Esperanto, Occidental (another artificial language), Tagalog, Danish, Norwegian, Korean, Dutch (that one was the one I put the most effort into), and now I am trying Chinese and Japanese, even though I've tried these in the past. I'm mostly using Duolingo though, since I am at least in theory too busy to give these languages the focus they need, being among the hardest languages to learn.
But back to meditation. I've tried to practice it many times in my life, along with bodyweight exercises. Needless to say I never kept at anything as long as I needed to. These two would make my life better by orders of magnitude if I only stick to them...
Meditation particularly interests me, because as the ones who read the last issues probably know by now, I have a mind riddled with insecurities, feelings of inadequacy, desires that I never can quite satisfy, among other nasty things I didn't talk about yet. And it seems that meditation could at least help with it, judging by the posts one reads in subreddits such as r/meditation, r/themindilluminated and r/streamentry.
I tried some books in the past, which of course is to be expected since it's me. The first one I've tried was The Mind Illuminated by Culadasa, which is a solid book through and through. There was the Manual of Insight by Mahasi Sadayaw as well, which I plan to keep using since it has a different focus than the one I am using so far. And there is the book I am using after reading about it in the Beginner's Guide from r/streamentry, With Each and Every Breath. This one has more or less the same messages that the others do: that the mind is unhappy, made up from many parts in conflict, and that they might cooperate and calm down by meditation training.
I've been doing the basic instructions for about a week now. It's quite a bit of information to be absorbed before you can practice confidently, but once you can do it, it's very simple. Nothing much beyond paying attention to your breathing and the sensations that come with it. However, simple doesn't mean easy. I always have a hard time with it.
If I can't go the whole way and be free from suffering and desire as it is say you can by meditation, I want at least to be a little calmer and feel a bit more in control of my life. This much is possible for everyone who meditates, and there is even research on the topic. Calm and control are two things I need, urgently.
Plus, it's cold today. And rainy. Such days make me feel down. Maybe you who's reading feels otherwise..?
Anyway, bye. This post is shorter than the other ones, I know.
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