...It was dark in the room I sat in. All alone. Trapped inside of my mind. All I could think about was you. Why you? Why did I choose you?...
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I woke up around 6AM. I always get up early in the morning. I had gotten dressed like I always did. Dressed into her hoodie she gave me. I guess I should probably say her name, but it doesn't really feel all that important to be said, so I wont. I put on my shoes and jeans, straightened my hair and grabbed my phone. I left the house almost as soon as I got up that morning. I went to the mall, which is where I saw her. Just as I began walking towards her to say hi, I saw another girl walk up to her and kiss her on the cheek. I stopped walking towards her and just stared. I watched as they would flirt and hold each other. She stared into her eyes the way I stared into hers. My heart ached. A single tear fell from my eye, but when I wiped it.. It was black. I tried to think nothing of it and thought it was just my mascara. She lied to me.. I thought she loved me.. I suddenly felt alone and dark inside. I could feel my mascara smear as I cried and ran out of the mall. I never returned to the mall later that day. When I got to my car I texted her
"Hey, love- are you out today?"
I got an almost immediate response.
"No- I'm just sitting on my couch at home, why?"
Deceit..
"Oh- no reason; just curious,"
I shoved my phone into my pocket and began to cry. I went on with the rest of my day, spent in my bed, crying. There's nothing more to it..
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3 months later
My chest had been hurting a lot lately. It felt really tight, like my heart was glued in place. It's been 3 months since I last saw her lack of loyalty. I never broke it off; I'd be too hurt to lose her, so I just put up with it. I haven't caught her in an non-loyal action in a while, until today I got a text from my friend.
"Hey- I don't really know how to tell you this, but.. I think I saw your girlfriend kissing another girl at the park today,"
I stared at the message as I felt a lump form in my throat.
"Do you have proof?"
As soon as they saw the message they sent a photo. It was her. Clear as day, it had been my love. I shut my phone off and put it away, choosing to ignore the text. It was another sad day. Another day, I'd go home and cry in bed all day.. There's nothing more to it..
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3 months later
It's been hard to breathe lately. It feels like nothing in my chest is working properly. To top that off, I've been puking, sneezing, and crying black stuff and whenever it dries, it doesn't come off. I'm thinking about going to the doctor, but I don't know. I still haven't broken things off with her. I wanna wait until a final act of hers to prove whether she's loyal or not. Today was enough for me to call it quits. She was making out with the same girl I had caught her with twice now, already. The main problem was that... This spot was the spot her and I met in.. My heart shattered at the sight. Black fluid began to fall from my eyes and I'd try to wipe it as quickly as possible before it dried. I went home and cried the rest of the day again.. I would call it quits with her pretty soon here.. There's nothing more to it..
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2 months later
I finally broke it off with her. I don't really know what to say about it. My chest hasn't lightened up and it just keeps getting worse. It's almost impossible to breathe and there's black stuff inside of my mouth that wont come off. It has a terrible, burnt taste to it. I got a notification to my phone. It was her Instagram. I checked to see what it was. It was a picture of her and the girl I had caught her with. The photo was captioned
"Always and forever, mi amor,"
Before I could even react to it, the black stuff that had been stuck in my mouth began to spill out of my mouth, nose, and eyes. I couldn't speak. I couldn't see. I couldn't smell. I couldn't breathe at all. I had gotten stares by worried people around me. I could hear an ambulance in the distance, but I had passed out before they got there. When I woke up I was in a hospital. I couldn't see or speak. My body felt frozen. Like I couldn't move. I was terrified so I started making any noise I could. I could hear people rush in.
"Hey- Hey- don't worry, Max- we've got you; we're gonna take perfect care of you," I heard a voice.
"They're losing consciousness," One of the people said. I had then passed out again. By the next time I woke up I could see and move again, but still unable to speak. I started journaling my experience. The doctor told me I was diagnosed with myocardium tar and that I'm lucky I'm still alive. I've been told that it's expected for me to die by next month and that most people diagnosed with myocardium tar die within the first 6 months of getting it and I was expected to survive 6 months longer than that. I was a miracle to everyone there and was their only hope. They got my consent to do labs and research on me, being the only diagnosed patient who had lived this long. Myocardium tar is extremely painful and takes a lot of treatment. It's also very unlikely for you to survive it, which is why my approximate date with death is in less than a month. I'm honestly terrified of it, but it's inevitable. I wish I could do something about it, but it's my fault I couldn't control my emotions. There's nothing more to--
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6 months later...
Max died at the end of writing their last journal on their disease. The doctors achieved what they had hoped for from their experience and that was answers and a sense of hope for the disease. Whatever afterlife Max has carried onto everybody hopes they're having a great time. They didn't deserve what happened to them. I'll forever feel guilty for it, knowing it's my fault.. I should've never done that to Max.. I loved Max with every bit of my heart, I just got.. Selfish.. I didn't expect this to happen. Around a month after I found out Max died, I was diagnosed with Phantasmagoria psychosis. Basically, it's where you hallucinate dead people, but not just dead people in general; like- partners you fell in love with dead people. You can actually touch, talk, and feed them. It's kind of like a fever dream, but minus the dreaming part. I'm expected to have it for the rest of my life; there's no cure. I guess I'll be seeing dead Max for the rest of my life without them being there. It gives me some sense of security, but at the end of the day, I realize that they aren't actually there and it hurts me more than it gives me therapy. I miss Max and regret what I did to them.. There's nothing more to it..
-Sincerely, her; Max's love: Amielle
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