You wonder if it will ever hurt less, you’re screaming and crying, wondering how you could miss someone that used such words toward you, and had the indecency to place their hands on you when you were in a state of panic. Those feelings of loss when someone you feel as though you love the most – has admittedly damaged you. Life seems like a sick rerun after you’ve been hurt.
As you awaken, you stare at the walls, wondering if there’s anything else for you after this. There’s a bit of good news, there will be days when you forget. You feel your blood rushing and your entire body stirring with excitement, forgetting the pain you’ve once felt. You feel disconnected from your body, a soul vividly blooming in this moment, only this moment.
But, this feeling is not today. You lay in the tub, letting the faint drops from the faucet hit your toes. You never feel clean, you feel as though what happened to you can’t be wiped from existence. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub harder, blood begins to pool on your leg. Now you’ve done it, but it doesn’t feel good. Why do you deserve to hurt when you have done nothing?
You are stuck in this endless cycle, driving with empty thoughts, frustrated at the small-talk you have to engage in each day. Why can’t people just shut up? You don’t want to exist to them, yet your appearance gives it all away. Frustration, crying, crying? Oh no, you’re crying at breakfast again, stop it. Calm down. You are not under their control, you are the owner of your body. They can’t possess you anymore.
School is the bane of your existence. Class to class, you walk with your head down. What if someone you know tries to start a conversation? You can hardly form a thought to respond. Despite this, you hear them talk, asking how you are. Are you meant to be honest? Complimenting you, that’s more frequent now but feels taboo. Teachers begin filling your brain with words and letters that you’re supposed to memorize, because you’ll be tested over it. Each day is a test, will you get out of bed? Can you even take care of your personal hygiene today? Let’s try tomorrow.
Once it finally ends, it’s time to drive again. Why don’t you work for a while? Earn some money so you could buy yourself a meal, maybe a small gift. Let’s say no for today, let’s go home. The street signs pass, signaling where to go, how far, and where your next turn is. Go further this time, visit someone you haven’t seen in awhile. No. Gas, money, future, time, every thought swirls in your mind. Stop choking, there’s plenty of air to breathe god damn it, just breathe. Suddenly, you tune back in. Your body has taken you home, each muscle has memorized this routine. Your soul has taken a sharp detour, but your neural focus has intercepted.
In you go, carrying the load you’ve brought home from your day. It’s only noon, but you don’t feel like you can do anything else today. Your room is messy, but picking up a single item feels as though it’d last forever. So, you lay down. Your eyes are open, staring at the walls again. No thoughts seem to muster, only worries. Close your eyes, try again tomorrow.
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