I have been hopelessly in love with a man, since I was 13. Even through all of the shit he seems to put me through I still just can’t seem to find it in me to let go. I have tried and tried and it just…I can remember the night we met, he was a friend of my sisters and she had been trying to get us to meet because she thought we would click, first few times I had said no, until one night I was reading one of my favorite books called Heartwishes by Jude Deveraux. She asked me again, and finally I decided to give in…and just a few minutes  it’s like all of a sudden he became the most important thing, I kept asking myself why because I just fucking met this dude? But I’ve never felt a stronger connection…even though I was 13 I knew that but still I knew it would be different. Well about a week in and he ended up calling me out on my feelings, and I figured what’s the use in hiding if he can tell. He told me he felt the same way and that it was weird to him, after that he asked me to be his girlfriend, we stayed up for hours for nights, I would sneak out at night just so I could talk to him, somehow even though it was long distance, the feeling was so strong id almost forgotten sometimes. Well since then we have been on and off because he can’t commit, we ALWAYS end up back, I know by now that he does love me, weather hes too scared to commit or no matter the issue. I use my college saving to fly myself out by him to try and live and be with him, he still cheated and lied and many things he absolutely crushed me, i ended up having to leave because i just couldnt be around him anymore at that point it just broke my heart….and i still cant help but think about how i would do it over just because I finally got the chance to know what itd be like in his arms, even if it didn’t last long…since then we hadn’t talked much he had kept trying to talk to me again and i kept pushing away until now. I had a good friend pass away a few months back, and it just devastated me, she was someone i met in the hospital after my suicide attempt, we became so close we continued contact after but all the plans we made to meet up failed, i never got the chance to hangout with her i didnt even get to talk to her last…it reminded me of him and how if he passed and i didnt get the last chance to talk to him or see him or anything…i am in a relationship right now, i lately realized I accidentally made it a habbit trying to find him somewhere else…people tell me there are others out there like him, but really there isnt…there isnt anyone who can fill the spot right for our 3am talks, or the car rides where we just jam out together, the long walks together, sitting on that hill while we talked and watched the sunset together, the way we would play together…ive looked and looked, and still i am amazed at how much his touch still lingers, how is it he hurts and hurts and hurts me so badly and i still just cant help but look and think of him in awe, it doesn’t feel fair, it hurt so bad and yet it was still the hardest thing that i have ever had to walk away from. Now hes telling me that he is going to come and get me to take me away from the bad situation im in, if you cant guess my situation is with another toxic man that i thought i was in love with but turned out everything he told me was a lie so i fell in love with a lie and now im just kind of stuck its a situation not going to explain unless you guys want. I’m not entirely sure about going or not, i wouldnt be dating him this time, he said it would be a way of paying me back so i have a safe place to start a life without someone toxic hanging over my shoulder abt it, but at the sametime its fucking texas and im from Wisconsin okay, i sweat a little too easy, i have major anxiety and everything there from what i hear is supposed to be huge, also roomate situation, nervous about that, cause you know what if they hate me hah , and then leaving my mom behind when im really the only person she has to really talk to or do anything with thatll actually do what she wants to do, but then again ill get away from toxic shit for a bit, still be able to call her, still come back and visit atleast, i really dont have anything else around me and the toxic im with wont let me work. Plus call me crazy if you want but i maybe think i could possibly get my ex to realize how much he actually is in love with me

also were gonna call the ex grim, and toxic can just stay toxic cause hes toxic as fuck