It has been nothing but a shit show the past few weeks and all I wanted was some comfort from the one person who doesn’t even want me. My life has completely blown up since you left and maybe it is for the best. Maybe I needed to lose you to find myself again and see the reality of my life. I needed new friends and to really focus on myself and the people that truly care about me. The people that have always been there for me are the ones you tried to push away from me. I think you wanted to isolate me to make me all yours and once you saw you no longer had the continuous control over me that you crave so deeply. This new girl will see right through all of your bull shit and hopefully she will have more guts then I did and leave. You need someone you boss around and manipulate into what you want out of life. I fell in love with a narcissist. I do love you Tyler. You are just no good for me and letting go of you is slowly killing me inside. With each breath I exhale you from my body and I start to feel happy again. I was right to call you a drug because all you do is tear people apart. There are still times I sit up crying wishing you would just hold me but then I remember how easy it is for you to just leave me and run. Why would I want someone like that?
I didn’t run from you when shit got hard. I was there for you in everyway I knew how to be so take your bullshit and go fuck up some other chicks life. I have your game down pat now and I will come out on top. You are in the same position as when we first met. I’ll be shocked if this chick moves in with you so quickly. Good luck mooching off her like you tried me. As for Hailey, you were right about her and her you. You both are so alike I can see why you hated each other. I am no longer moving with her and will be doing it on my own. I assume you both will try and show up around the same time after everything is done. Begging to have me back in your life and I'm getting to the good riddance part now. I have deactivated my social media to clear my mind and it has been a breath of fresh air. You want to be in my life, show it. I don’t need anyone I didn’t for the longest. I need to get back to that mindset. I will get back to it. I am an independent bitch and I let you take that away from me. I only have myself to blame for that but it will never happen again. Sure, I miss you but I'm crying with or without you so i’d rather cry a few more nights then the rest of my life.
Hailey really hurt me this time and I don’t think our friendship will recover from this. My mind drifted back to the phone call and how she told she didn’t want to move in with me. It is honestly fine that she didn’t want to move in with me but what she did in between was bullshit. The fact that she just bagged all my late grandfather's things and threw them in the living room was burning in my stomach.Then threw away things without even asking. Wrote on the walls in the spare room and scraped the wallpaper off the walls. I did say she could write on the walls but because we were going to paint. Throw away all my curtain rods and door handles for the cabinets with the intent to get new stuff together. Now I have to replace all this on my own. I would never do that if the shoes were reversed. It's called respect. Then tell me over the phone the next day you don’t want to move in the gail she had and call me a selfish bitch. She couldn’t even have a conversation with me in person, years of friendship washed down the drain. I didn’t even cry though when I told her to go fuck herself.
Once Tyler walked out of my life I promised myself I’d never let someone hurt me and control my emotions like that again. You can’t control who you fall in love with but you can try and control the aftermath. So losing Hailey felt like a little bee sting. It’ll hurt for a few days but I will be fine. Nothing will hurt like the day you walked out of my life. I will never give that power back to you knowing that I feel myself emerging from the darkness. I warned everyone though I thrive in the darkness and come out more beautiful and deadly than before. Push me to my breaking point and I will emerge better than you left me. I can feel it beginning to happen to me slowly as each piece of heart begins to heal. I do have to thank Tyler for teaching me to be strong and stand up for what I want or believe in. That is the one good thing our toxic love story has taught me. Will I ever love someone like I did him probably not and I may still cry for no reason because I just miss him. He also taught me I can survive a broken heart and soul. Will I ever fully heal, I don’t think so. He will always hold a huge part of me with him. It was true love and at least I can say I got to love mine. So this little bee sting is just a bump in the road. I know he will be back eventually. That is his pattern. He is a broken soul and I can’t repair him until he accepts that I am the only one that can. He can go and look for someone better but he won't find it. He isn’t ready to let love in his heart yet and I finally understand it now. Part of me will always be looking out my window hoping he shows up but the other know’s he just isn’t ready. I will live my life and when he shows up again take it from there.
I reached for my phone and went to text the one girl I knew would help me feel like Hope again. I typed Best Girl Around in my search bar on messages. She popped around and I just texted I need to see you. She responded in less than five minutes.
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I have work around 4:30pm should be done cleaning around 5:30pm.
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Great, see you around 6. That was our language blunt and to the point. I knew she saying in her head oh fuck what happened. I already felt better. I know going to see her would make me feel better and probably her too. She was supposed to get married next month but he just got up and left too. Men really aren’t shit. They didn’t deserve us at all. I started to clean at my moms house and fold the laundry to help the time pass. I was excited to see Diana. We hadn't really seen each other much. The men tried to isolate us, jokes on them. I went outside to have a smoke and my Mom followed me.
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“What are you doing the rest of the day?” She asked me.
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“I’m going to see Diana and we are going to catch up.” I responded already knowing what the next statement would be. I couldn’t blame her though I would say the same thing if I had a daughter and a man hurt her this much.
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“It better be Diana, and not you going to see Tyler.” She raised her eyebrows at me. Even if I wanted to be him I was blocked anyway. I can’t see him even if I'm dying too on the inside.
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“It is really her, I have to leave in about an hour. I'm going to take Lily for a walk and then go.” I responded and then got up to get her leash. She was so excited to go on a walk and it made my heart happy. I put my headphones on and we were out the door. The sun felt so good on my skin. It kind of sucked that Hailey didn’t want to move in but I guess it was for the best. Anyone that can compare a vanity to a dog was beyond shallow. A live being to a makeup vanity, what the fuck. Lily enjoyed her walk and I enjoyed the fact that I did this. I trained her and made her into the great dog that she was. It made me feel proud like I had done something and I could mother something. Even if I couldn't have kids, that hasn’t been proven but is a fear of mine with how much I tried to have one with Tyler.
Lily and I reached the house and went inside. She went down the basement stairs and then I was out the door once again to see Diana. I was excited we hadn’t hung out in over a year and we didn’t have any guys on our asses about what we can and cannot do. Even if we just end up sitting on her bed and talking, that's all I really needed. I got to her house and I was always a little jealous because it was bigger than my parents but it didn’t really matter. I could crash here anytime even if Diana wasn’t here. I walked up to her garage and walked through this weird bug screen thing they had that was new. I texted her that I was here and she said she was upstairs. When I saw her I had to keep my jaw from dropping. She was just skin and bones. She looked worse than last time. She had to be a double 0. She saw me and gave me a hug and we sat on her bed and just started talking.
“So Tyler and I are officially over. He blocked me on everything so there is no coming back.” I started the conversation. “Oh and Hailey isn’t moving in with me now and I'm doing it all by myself.” I added in.
“Wait Hailey was going to move in with you? What happened?” Diana asked. I tried not to stare at how thin her arms were. Her face was so thin too I felt so helpless. Ethan really fucked her up. She still had longer black hair and her eyebrows were always on point. She had brown eyes and a tanner olive complexion then me. She still looked beautiful but I hope I see her gain at least 15 more pounds. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and started at the ten reasons why I was mad at her and handed it to her.
“Just read from there, it's too much to explain at this point.” She took the phone and read all the messages. I already knew what it all said. I explained how I was mad about what she did with my grandpa's house and the way she treated me. I really just wanted her to drop off the stuff I bought at target.
“She fucking compared your dog to a vanity.” Diana was pissed. “I don’t fucking like her. She’s a bitch. So you really think you guys are over you break up and makeup all the time. “ She was right but this time it was different. He actually went looking for another girl. I guess I can’t be mad. I kissed Zach and talked dirty with him when we were on a break in November. I never cheated on him while we were together. It was just hard to believe that he was really gone this time.
“Yeah, I think so. I don’t think I've been this hurt ever. How are you with the whole Ethan thing? I tried to give you space. “ I asked, trying to take the focus off me now.
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“I’m okay he’s a fucking asshole. I am mad at you though. I had Sandra here for a whole week when I wanted it to be you. Do you know hoe fucking annoying she was? She literally went out and bought a Jeep to try and make me jealous.” Diana slapped my arm. I felt guilty I thought she just wanted her space. I guess i’ll just go with my gut next time.
“I'm sorry I really thought you wanted time to heal.” I said.
“It’s fine but next time you better be here. Sandra and I aren't friends anymore after the shit she pulled either.” She raised her eyebrows and gave me the look. “Do you want to go get a drink?” Her hands hit her lap as she asked.
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“Yes we haven’t done that in forever.” She left the room and returned with a jacket for me to wear. We did our makeup and were off. We got into her brand new white Jeep. It looked like it was really expensive.
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“You know you're wrong though, Tyler wasn’t your worst heartbreak. That was Lyion. You drank yourself to sleep everyday for a month. I literally had no idea what to do with you. I never saw you really happy with Tyler. You were with Lyion. It was liquor and shakira that got you though that” Diana pointed out. I guess I had never really thought about that before, she was kind of right. We got in the car and were off to the little bar by her aunts. It was a place where you could smoke, drink and get food. I liked it a lot. It was a nice little spot. The host sat us down.
“I guess you are right, I hadn’t really thought about that before. I mean but I did love him.” I argued.
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“Yes you loved him but not like Lyion. You couldn’t even talk about him without crying habibi. “ She rebuted me. We went on to talk about how men suck for a little bit and got at least three drinks each before we decided to call it a night. “Ya know it sucks I can’t even come here and not think about him” Diana said. Oh shit here it comes.
“I know I see Tyler everywhere I go. They are just great liars who can’t really commit because they are scared. They just say what we want to hear. Ut’s okay we will get good dick again.” I tried to cheer her up. She laughed and we were out the door.
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“Did you see that group of guys staring at us? At least we both know we are still hot.” Diana said as we got into her car laughing.
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“Of course we are hot, that was never the problem.” I laughed and we listened to the radio on the way home. We reached her house and I hopped out of the car and made my way to mine after I looked at the time it was almost 1am and I had to work tomorrow.
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“Text me when you are home.” Diana demanded. I drank two vodkas and cranberries and finished her last long island iced tea. I was a little tipsy but not to the point I couldn’t drive.
“I will see you soon habibi.” I gave her a hug and I was off. I looked at my phone hoping there was a message from Tyler. Nothing. Fuck why can’t he just leave my brain. I work at one of the best mortgage companies and I have a decent car, job, and a great ass dog. I am the catch, not you, what do you have to offer? Some good dick? That’s okay; I can find that someone else and its owner will treat me better. When I made it home I just went straight to bed.
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It was morning before I knew it and I had to work. I got ready and made my way out the door and drove to work. Before I knew it I was in the parking lot for work. I closed the car door and grabbed my purse and backpack and made my way to the elevator. I had to park on the fourth floor today because they were selling Taylor Swift merch today and downtown was a shit show. I pressed the down button and elevator dinged and Steven’s eyes met mine. Fuck. It was too early for this shit. A few nights ago filled my brain and I wondered if he could see how hot my face was right now. We had spiced it up a little bit after I told him about my fantasies but he still hasn't made a move. I wanted to turn around and just take the stairs but my body pushed me into the elevator with him.
“Well good morning Hope.” Steven’s eyes remained locked on mine. I was wearing the same jacket I had shown him last night. I had on a blue sun dress and wore sandals. He saw a little more than just my bra last night and his eyes drifted to the jacket and then my chest. He was most likely thinking about my boobs. You could cut the tension with a knife in this little fucking box. I think we just enjoy teasing each other will we ever actually fuck im not sure. At least with him everything has been completely consensual. We both just want each other. I think his feelings are a little deeper than he wants to admit. He just isn’t ready and really neither am I.
“Good morning Steven.” I looked him up and down. He looked a little rough this morning but in a sexy way. His brown hair was curly under his black hat and he had on a blue suede jacket and black jeans. His hazel eyes met mine and I wanted him to just pull me in for a kiss. I knew he wouldn’t though. There was no point and hiding checking him out he already saw my boobs. I can’t believe I sent them to him. As I looked him up and down, all the dirty things he said to me on the phone replayed in my brain as he jerked off to the sound of my voice. Some things made me laugh, others made me soaked. Tell me how badly you want me, Hope. Say my name. I was horny right now. Looking at him you’d never guess how dirty minded he was and it was extremely sexy. He has been the only one who can make my body react with excitement since Tyler and he hasn’t even touched me. Man, I needed to get out of this hot box.
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“How are you?” Oh okay we are doing the small talk. Figures. The one guy you want to actually throw you against a wall won’t. It’s all I could think about is his hands traveling down my body; why did this elevator ride feel so long? I thought about reaching out to touch him but I wanted it to be him that grabs me. The tension was just growing and I could feel the heat between my legs begin to increase.
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“I'm good, how was your night?” I replied trying to keep the conversation going and my brain off of what he wanted to do to me apparently. Things I could tell he never would do now. Or maybe he was just too shy to try it. If he only knew I wanted him to stick his tongue down my throat.
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“It was okay, I am just tired.” Steven responded.
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“You're always tired. “ I responded annoyed. I guess I couldn’t really be annoyed, not even like he’s touched me yet. Even though I really wanted him too now. He looked at me shocked. I'm sure my tone came off exactly how I was feeling inside. He rested his hand on the edge of the elevator supporting his weight before it dinged open. I thought about what it would be like for his arms to be pinning mine above my head. His hand gestured for me to go first and I compiled. I picked up my pace out of the elevator. He quickened his and grabbed the other door for me and continued to talk. I wasn’t listening anymore. I am just irritated and horny now. He asked me something and I didn’t know what it was.
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“Yeah I'm good too.” I said. He started laughing
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“That's not what I asked. Did you think I asked how you are?” I am embarrassed now. Maybe I should have been paying attention.
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“Yeah I don’t know what you said my mind was on something else sorry.” I responded honestly. We walked across the crosswalk and I was on fire on the inside. He always knew how to somehow get me going by doing nothing. Even when I was with Tyler and the flirting began he just knew. He would call me out like I know you like it, or you would lose my number. You like that I want you. The way he used to talk excited me. He gave me what I was missing longing for almost. The idea of being desired and wanted that turned me on so much. We had reached the front doors for work and he again opened the door for me. Fuck why is he doing that. He is only going to make me like him more. We then walked over to the last elevator and walked in.
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“It’s the second floor right.” He asked and I just nodded “Why didn’t you just take the stairs?” He asked curiously. I didn’t know why I didn't do that. I always take the stairs. When he was around I couldn’t think straight. He just makes me think of the things he has said.
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“I really don't know, I normally do.” I lied. It’s because I was drawn to him. I wanted a few extra seconds of excitement. He just stared at me, probably putting the pieces together and almost bit down on his lip but stopped himself. The door dinged and I just said “Have a great day Steven.” I liked saying his name. I knew he liked it too. They way he would ask me to say it. Alright hope snap out of it you have to work like now.
“Yeah you too Hope.” Steven responded. I liked when he said my name too. He had a soft husky voice and it was so sexy. I think we are both just so attracted to each other we both will know what happens after we have sex. We won’t want to stop and we both don’t want a relationship right now. I wanted him though. I shook my body hoping to shake the tension off. I scanned my badge and opened the door and walked to my desk, my heart beating fast. I needed to get my mind off of Steven now and focus on work. He was always a beautiful distraction from reality for a few moments.
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