5.21.2023 to 5.31.2023
It’s been 18 days since I slept with Rick. 29 Since I heard your voice and over a month since you held me in your arms. 28 days since the news about my mom came to light. I tried to jump into something without healing my heart and it all just blew up in my face. I honestly hate you for doing this to me and breaking me to the point of no repair. I don’t want anyone but you; I know you don’t want me. I did what you said baby and tried to be a better woman. Was there for Rick when he needed it, bought him food, gave him a fan, picked up a train set for his kid. It wasn’t for you though so it meant nothing. I thought trying to give myself to someone else would help me forget about the way it felt to be held by you. I fucking miss you. So. Damn. Much. I also want to key your car and put sugar in your gas tank. I have a few day dreaming moments of me just fucking your life up. Then I come back to reality and know you're not worth it but the thoughts are there. I can’t get over the fact that you just left me like I was nothing and on our 2 year anniversary. Life has been shit since you left a nail in my tire, hit a wall, and oh my mom might have cancer. I tried to fuck you away and that didn’t even work. I have been a horny mess and have no regard for any men and if I hurt them or not because I only cared about you. I just want a distraction to take my mind off of you and if a dick is attached to that then so be it.
You’d be happy to know that it crashed and burned with Rick. He just wants to use me as a taxi and won’t even drive my car. Come pick this couch up for me or these bricks, and can you give me your ps5 and rent money. I’m so mad that you threw me back out into this bullshit dating world. I thought it would be us forever. I know I wasn’t perfect but fuck I didn’t deserve this. I never cheated on you. I was always faithful to you and I let you control me. I guess I'm just not what you’re looking for. Or shit got too real for you and like usual you ran away. Why does love hurt so much? I have a line of available suitors just like you said I would have but they all mean nothing to me. Just a distraction to keep my mind off of what I really want. The sad truth is I know you will only break me more but I don’t want anyone else. Anyone after you will always be my second choice because you baby are my forever.
I started drinking again and now I'm smoking everyday just to try and numb the pain. I want to tell the world you're a dick but who cares? The spaces inside of my heart are empty again and expanding each day you are away from me. I know I’m the one hurting the most or you'd be knocking on the door to try and fix us. You are really gone and I'm dead inside but have to keep living. How do I keep on living when I don’t even know what to live for anymore. I worked so hard to make a future with you and that was my only goal. Now that you’re gone I just feel so lost. I don’t even know what to say or what to do anymore. It’s like I am living in a nightmare and I just won’t wake up. Please come wake me up. Take me to the other world like you did before. I want our adventures back and the way you made me scream in your truck. Are you even thinking about me right now? Did I mess up your head like you did mine? Or am I just obsessed with what we had; or the version of the future we planned.
I can’t stop thinking about if my mom has cancer or not, and that I want Tyler to hold me and tell me that it will all be okay. That we will make it and we don’t give up on what we love. I just hope she doesn’t have cancer. If she has it it’ll break me even more than Tyler leaving. I can’t lose anymore this year. I looked up at the sky praying the lord wouldn’t take another person I love from me this year. I don’t think I could keep going if it happens again. My great grandma then grandpa 3 months later, then news flash let me take the love of your life too. Now potentially my mother; what’s the point.
I pressed the joint to my lips and inhaled letting the smoke fill my lungs. This wasn’t the way to deal with my emotions but fuck it. I am only human after all. Everything I love is going to shit I might as well too. I sat back on the teal cushions chairs on the front porch as my body relaxed and my thoughts began to slow. For a moment nothing else mattered. I was at peace with no thoughts and my body felt amazing. I sat up and opened my phone to try and get my mind off of Tyler. I went to the app store and downloaded a dating app called badoo. Tyler would be so pissed if he knew I was doing this. He doesn’t get to be anymore; you aren’t his Hope. Not anymore. I picked some of the better pictures I had of myself and made my profile. He wanted me to be single, I’ll be single all right. The badass was about to come back out of her cave, she has been in hibernation for too long. Leather pants, leather jackets, and punk rock attire were all coming out of the closet. He thought I flirted with other men when we were together shits about to go down now. Fuck love. I just wanted to act on any impulse I had from now on. I was going to fuck whoever whenever I wanted. If I wanted it I was taking it. I went for love now it’s for fun. I’ll still have my standards of course, but I don’;t want a relationship right now.
Rick’s eyes filled my brain and I felt a little guilty. I told him I'd be his but I just don’t think I have it in me. I can’t be someone’s mom and instant wife material. I already gave that version of myself to someone else. I just need to date with no expectations. That’s the best way to go, no one's feelings get hurt. Not that I care anymore no one gave a damn about mine. I began to swipe left on some guys on this app. None of them were really cute. The only cute one was Rick but we already matched. I deleted it after we met up the first time but here I am again in the same pattern. Dive in and don’t deal with my emotions is how I cope and weed, lots of it. I felt left my lap vibrating and saw I had a phone call from Hailey. Was I in the mood to be social no; but I should answer., I dodged her call yesterday.
“Hey girl what’s up. You wanna smoke and go look at the trailer today? I want to see the floor Eddie finished in the bathroom.” Hailey asked. I looked at the blunt in my hand and took the last hit. I could smoke again and seeing the trailer again wouldn’t hurt.
“Yeah, let me change and let’s go. You’ll love it, it looks really good. We are just waiting for my dad to pick out a vanity and then we can paint in there.” I responded. It would keep my mind busy and plus I know she’s been itching to see it since Friday. Sometimes I wondered if I deserved a friend as good as Hailey. She has been there for me no matter how much of a bitch I turn into. It’s like she knows how to break down the Hope armor I have around myself. I'm a big believer in time will tell if you want to actually be in my life. She’s the only friend that has proven she genuinely cares.
“Yes bitch! IM SO EXCITED. SEE YOU IN 20 MINS.” She yelled into the phone. That meant like an hour so I had time to shower and change.
“Me too! See you soon, girly.” I smiled into the phone and then hung up. She was one of the only people I could be myself with and was accepted for me. I never wanted to lose her as a friend. I know she feels the same too. We've had that discussion so many times. I mean we wouldn't be moving in together if we didn’t trust each other. We both are coming to the conclusion that men just aint shit nowadays. I got up from the chair and put out the end of the blunt in our little cigarette sand bucket and walked inside.
“What are up to tonight?” My mom asked. She was always so nosy. I guess that is just part of being a mom. At least she cares.
“Just going to the trailer to see what Eddie has done to show Haliey.” I responded. I left out the part about going to smoke. I knew she already could smell the little bit of pot on me that I just smoked. She hated that I had become this over the last two years. I honestly had no idea who I was anymore. I went to the little closet for the bathroom and grabbed a towel to have my shower and walked over to our smaller bathroom. I opened the basement door and my dog ran up the stairs and jumped on me giving me kisses. Another thing that annoyed me was my dog always had to be separated from the rest of the dogs. Lily is a little more hyperactive and my mom just can not handle her. I can’t wait to move out and just have her out all the time. She is such a good dog. Very protective. I turned the shower on and adjusted the heat level to my liking. I undressed and threw my clothes into the hamper and Lily laid in front of the shower door as I stepped in it.
The water felt great as it hit my skin and the muscles in my shoulder relaxed. My back was killing me so my period was probably coming. I started the music on my phone and my heart sank. Tyler’s song came on the one he had sung so many times to me in my car while he was driving. Tears began to run down my face. God I can never get away from this man he is everywhere. Fancy Like by Walker Hayes filled the bathroom and I had no energy to skip it. This was so pathetic here I was holding my knees to my chest in the shower crying because of fucking Tyler. All the promises we made to each other, the future we both craved so much just gone. How could he do this? I doubt he’s holding himself like this; he’s probably out banging another chick with blonde hair. No one knows how hard it is for me to just get out of bed in the morning and act like I'm okay. It’s not just Tyler’s fault I feel like this. He’s been a big bandaid on my emotional issues I've had for years. He came and fixed me in ways no one will ever understand. Even he will never know. Now he is just gone.
The song finally ended and suddenly the strength in my legs returned and I began to wash my body. Blood ran down my legs and I just laughed to myself. At least I didn’t have to worry about whose baby I could be carrying. Relief washed through my body and I decided here and then that a one night stand would not be the way to go. Guess I added someone to my body count for nothing. I washed my hair and body and then shaved the necessary areas. My phone dinged and the random number texted me again. It wasn’t really random but I wasn’t about to save another man’s number in my phone yet. I wasn’t ready to really accept that Tyler was gone. I was attracted to other men sure but when it came to actually acting I still saw him. I read the message from Ravi. I’d love to take you out and kiss you. There was a picture attached as well. He still looked just as hot as I remembered even though some years had passed. I’m sure he would tell me how many soon that was just him. He was wearing a suit with a green bow tie, his black beard covering his face nicely trimmed. He was super tan which only made his hair look better and his teeth were super white. His hair was slicked back and spiked up. He looked like a tanned god.I guess it was time to try and move on for real this time.
I turned the water off and reached for my towel trying to put Tyler in my past. Even though a small portion of my heart will always be open to him. I knew this and I was totally fucked. I got dressed and let Lily out once again before I would leave. I put on my shorts and black tank top and looked at the time Hailey would be here any minute. I picked my phone back up and decided to respond to Ravi. What did I have to lose? The worst that happens is we don’t work out. At least i'm putting myself out there again. Did I want to go out with him? Was I ready? I just ghosted Rick pretty much without a second thought. Maybe Tyler’s right I just like when i'm being chased. There is a part of me that enjoys being desired and wanted. He couldn’t give that to me anymore and we both knew it. I began to type on the keyboard “I would love to meet you and take it from there.”
I wasn’t going to tell my best friend yet I wanted to see if we would even vibe yet then take it from there. From his pictures I could for sure see myself on top of him. Why did I even feel guilty for thinking like this? I shouldn't. I am a free woman now. I guess that's what a toxic person does to your soul. They crush it beyond repair. I should have ran when his own mother told me too. He takes women and crushes them and spits them back out like they are nothing. At least I can go to the gym now and try to make myself happy again. I can focus on what makes me happy. Not try to be the version of a person he wanted. I could never let out the inner wild me; he could have never handled that. I was wild, fun, and freaky. I miss her. She needs to come back. The girl that would tell you to go fuck yourself and kiss a new man in a matter of seconds just to piss you off. I want to feel that inner spark again. Will there be someone I can show that part of myself too and he still wants me. I guess I could see with this Ravi. I’m done hiding parts of myself to please men. I heard a car horn honk so hailey was here. I threw my hair into a ponytail and let Lily go downstairs and was out the door.
“Hey bitch you ready to go see our new home.” Hailey asked as she came out of her car with a blunt pressed to her lips as she passed it to me. I happily took it and inhaled before answering her.
“Fuck yeah, I’m ready to start this new chapter of my life. I’m glad it’s with you too.” I gave her a hug, not something I normally do. Affection is something I have struggled with since I was about 15. That stems from my first boyfriend trying to rape me and I was just never the same after that. My affection needs to be earned not taken.
“Awh me too girl, you okay you never hug me. Mrs. Badass.” Hailey asked me. She was right, I couldn't contest it.
“Yeah I guess I just needed a hug.” I responded honestly. She was probably one of the only people in the world I was one hundred percent honest with. I knew she wouldn’t judge me and we would just be there for me. She pulled me in for another hug and I took it. “Well let’s get going so we can get back. I think Eddie is there too, we can't be in his way.” I changed the subject because I didn’t want to talk about why I needed a hug. That was because I felt empty without someone pulling little pieces of myself out of my soul. She let go of me and we made our way into her car. She cleared the seat for me to sit down and we were off. She played her music on the radio and explained her boy issues to me too.
“Can you believe Rehan and I are over too. He just wanted to use me to get into the US. These men really aren’t shit. I know we love each other but I can't keep doing this dance with him.” Hailey said. I don't blame her. Plus he was in another country who wants a love life like that? Distance is hard. Fuck love is hard in when the person is front of your face.
“Hot girl Summner it is then babe. I am sorry though, he didn't deserve you. MEN SUCK.” I responded. I rolled down the window and yelled. “MEN SUCK .” Hailey laughed and turned on the radio and I just looked out the window. The blunt was passed back and forth until it was done. Even looking at weed brought Tyler to my mind. The sec we had high was mind blowing. Before I knew it we were at the trailer and I had to unlock the door. It was an older single wide trailer, the carpet was all ripped out and it was a mess. It had a nice layout though very open. She made her way down the hallway to the bathroom and jumped up and down. She liked the floors. They were almost a coffee brown. It did look nice.
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