When people talk about fear I immediately send shivers down my own spine just thinking of long legged venomous spiders or complete utter darkness. Others might see fear in the form of loneliness, others might see fear in the form of people around them but for me fear is too hard to explain. Being trapped, No lost…no wait- No for me its rejection. I know I am not the only soul out there who are scared out of their wits by the creature called ‘rejection’. Yet rejection for me is paired with guilt and the worst feeling is to not understand.
Understanding is one of my greatest enemies, they attack me whenever and wherever, it’s not only the LACK of understanding, it’s the fear that people understand, When I panic about people not understanding I do kind of break down like cogs overworked but the concept of being able to ‘Understand’ is something totally different to me. It might not make sense but as someone who is anxious to finish school, to start their own life and to find real hobbies, my ideals in life is to grasp the knowledge I am given, to take the chances presented to me. My mouth is filled with furious jealousy when someone says they ‘Understand’ someone…Not because I feel left out or betrayed, I swallow a sense of rejection. Like a shadow is choking me from behind, whispering into my ear saying I can’t and won’t understand and won’t be of use to anyone. It swarms me when I need to be strong, It mocks me when I have courage and it stops my interactions.
Fears are complicated, they know exactly when to strike, sneaking upon us like animals ready for a kill. Silencing our mouths and adding tension to the mind which ends with us lost in an abyss of sensations. The very first sensation for me is anger: “Why Can’t I ever do this?” is one thing that comes to mind, I would growl at the situation wishing I never felt so…scared. Then worry comes along engulfing all of your comforting thoughts, killing them making you feel hopeless. Then you become guilty if you try to be rid of the fear through confining to someone but end up thinking you are wasting everyone’s time. It holds you back, pinning you on the battlefield you call your mind. Excruciatingly slow, as the process goes on and on you feel more and more vulnerable. No escape. All alone. Rejected. Unwanted.
Just like the story ‘The Red Room’ by H.G Wells expressed, the true evil thing lurking around is Fear itself. That book was bone chilling, Ghosts and death plagued in a house haunting a manor yet for me the last line where the narrator states: “Fear itself” hit me harder than a baseball bat. In a way it’s true. Any fear drowns us in horror.
My fear is Understanding, Rejection, and Loneliness and somehow just the word fear whisks me away to a desolate place.
ns 18.68.41.181da2
