What am I afraid of?
My pride would strike a pose it would consider threatening or brave and boom "NOTHING!" 693Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCU6TaK0ra
But, like almost all creatures I must fear something right? I swung back in my chair so it leaned precariously against the wall to think, enjoying the adrenaline ready to activate in case I fell. I'm a little bit of a thrill seeker - I like to dance on the edge, just to see how far I get before I tip over. And I do fall over - and I do grin savagely when my protective instincts are kick started into action. I wouldn't say I'm "scared" of heights, more my subconscious is aware of the consequences if I misjudge myself off a cliff.
But I do know now, with the tips of my barefeet lodged into boards of my desk as I write. I'm afraid of losing control. That slight over ruling I have over what is happening in my tip-top world. I'm afraid of that berserk rage that runs through me, surging up my veins until my vision goes red. Until I fight my back to the control room to find myself moments from disaster, the house trashed about me.
I'm afraid of sobbing, of feeling that deep sadness you find in your gut, of letting it climb up my body to be heaved out. To fall to the ground and let it sink into the ground. To close my eyes and let the tightly held control of my emotions and actions loose.
But I can't.
I can't loose control. My weakness is my strength.
Ironic.
I take risks - but controlled ones where I know the outcome. I play chance - but trust something bigger then me is at play. I demand security from the people I love, and if they cannot provide it I watch them warily like a caged animal.
I need to stay in control. To box in a spirit that wants to bounce about, knocking over others in its haste to play. To destroy. To smother. To hold too close.
But I can't control everything. I can't force the dice to roll my number. I can't tell fate what to do. What control do I really have?
In reality?
The control of falling from my chair, flipping my body over to land on all fours.
But who says it wasn't fate to fall?
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