chapter 7 | I wish
When the autumn air turned into winter air was when I was the most peaceful. I was lying on my rooftop smoking a cigarette, my eyes closed as I focused on complete relaxation. "Hey!" Logan's voice filled my ears.
I continued to smoke and didn't open my eyes. "I thought you were going to the library," I replied, taking a long drag and sitting upright on my rooftop, finally allowing my eyes to flutter open. I looked over Logan's appearance: Sweatpants and a burgundy hoodie. "Your ass looks great in sweatpants," I said to him, smiling cheekily at his flushed cheeks.
"Uh, thanks?" He asked, looking up at me as I towered over him for once. "Can I join you up there?" Logan knew the answer, but in an attempt to annoy him I glanced over the night setting sky and sighed loudly.
"I don't know. This is the cool kid club." I smirked at him bringing my cigarette to my lips and inhaling the familiar fumes. "But I suppose I could make an exception. Just this once." A grin overtook his lips as he grabbed onto the top of the fencing of my house, pulling himself on top of it. "Be careful, garden boy."
"Please, you'll be calling me spiderman after this." And he threw himself onto my roof with ease, making me look at him and laugh loudly, amused with his actions. "So, I brought something for you," Logan stated, offering me a shy grin before diving into his pockets to retrieve the gift. "I know you're not a flower kind of girl, but. . ."
Logan pulled out four flowers, all pressed so the memory still remained, and they were slowly falling apart. And as he looked down at me with hopeful eyes I didn't have the heart to say I didn't like them. So I cupped my hands and watched as he carefully placed them into my palms, his large fingers brushing over my skin creating warmth due to the cold air.
"They're the same flowers that used to grow in my back garden. I grabbed a whole bunch. I don't remember the names, but I pressed them when I was younger, thought maybe you'd want a few."
"Thank you, Logan, I love them." and I wasn't lying. It was that second I swore I would keep and protect those four unknown flowers, the two purple, one yellow, and one red.
Seeing Logan light up and smile a genuine smile was worth it.
"So, what shall we do this fine evening?" I asked, putting out my cigarette and tossing the bud next to me. The two of us sat with our legs hanging off my roof and silence accompanying us. "first I think I should put these in a safe place," I stated, standing up and walking back toward the window to let myself back in, "you coming?
Logan stood on his feet looking down at the ground, he seemed to be admiring the height difference. "Yeah, I'm coming." And he approached me with a look on his face that confused me, but I let him in first nonetheless. I decided not to ask him about his sudden behavior change.
We walked to my room carefully, though my screaming and running sisters didn't help with that at all. Debbie and Lacey were both tugging at Logan's arms, asking him to pick them up. "Debbie, Lace, stop pulling on him, maybe he'll pick you up another time. We've got stuff to do."
Debbie frowned at me, putting her hands on her hips and saying: "Like what kind of stuff? Kissing stuff?" I froze in my place and leaned close to her.
"Yes, Debs, kissing stuff. Go to your room." Debbie blew me a raspberry and grabbed Lacey's hands, and the two walked off into their bedroom. I could still hear them both giggling once they closed the door.
"So," my attention was brought to Tony, who I didn't even know was standing there, "you two together or. . .?" He paused, not wanting to make any assumptions. Then he noticed he already did. I raised an eyebrow at Tony and looked back at Logan, who was looking down at the floor messing with the hem of his sweater.
"Logan, why don't you go put these in my room," I took Logan's hand and put his palm straight up, delicately transferring the pressed flowers from my hand to his. "I'll be there in a second. Do you want anything to drink?"
"Uh, sure, get me anything," Logan replied. he began walking back to my bedroom, and once he was out of earshot I pulled my brother downstairs. I sat him down at the kitchen counter and rested my elbows against the cold tiles.
"We aren't together, and you've got to stop bringing that up. It makes Logan uncomfortable." I turned around and opened the fridge, looking for something fresh to bring upstairs to Logan. There was a jug of orange juice toward the back before grabbing two glasses and pouring some for me and Logan.
"well, I think that's bullshit." I turned around and glared at Tony, rolling my eyes at his swearing. "I don't believe you. I think it's bullshit that you guys have never kissed or fucked." I stopped pouring Logan's orange juice and closed my eyes, preparing myself for what was coming to me now. "Avelyn you didn't. You did not fuck him."
"I might as well not have. I can't even talk to him about it without him having an anxiety attack," Tony snorted and I glared at him, "it's not funny, Tony. God, it was just like mom's when we were younger."
"Really? That bad?"
"It was awful." I shook my head before sighing and putting away the orange juice.
"If I didn't know any better I'd say you're worried."
"well of course I am, I'm supposed to be worried, Logan's my best friend." Tony and I held a stare for a long time. Him sitting at the counter and me leaning against the tall fridge. Tony broke the silence: "So, was he big?"
I laughed, not wanting to say anything in case Logan was listening in, so I held out my two index fingers and created a large distance between them. I mouthed huge, and Tony cackled, nodding before going into the living room to play video games with Jonah.
When I got back to my room, Logan was sprawled out on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. "You okay?" I asked, placing his orange juice on the small table beside my bed. My room consisted of a huge bed and a small table. My clothes were kept above my bed, on a wooden board I had going across from wall to wall.
"Ave," Logan said, looking at me with hopeful eyes, "do you think we can just lie here?" I furrowed my brows, confused. "Please?" I nodded, climbing over his body and lying down next to him. I didn't say anything, not wanting to ruin the moment Logan was creating for himself. Although, I was practically dying to ask what was wrong.
It was when I cold breeze flew in from my window and the two glasses of orange juice were empty, that Logan whispered ever so softly that I could barely hear.
"Sometimes.. I wish I was dead."
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