chapter 9 | tony's tape
After Logan's death, the roof became my regular spot. It didn't seem right to go to Logan's garden without him, seeing as that was our place. I would've felt awful sitting there and knowing Logan wasn't up in his room.
Tony was with me, keeping me company on our roof because he didn't trust me by myself, though he wouldn't admit it. I didn't mind him being there. The two of us had always been close growing up.
"Want a smoke?" Tony asked me, nudging me with his box of cigarettes. I shook my head, glancing down at my hands before sighing quietly. "What? Don't tell me you quit?"
I nodded at my brother. "No shit! Good for you Ave!" I smiled. It grew quiet.
"So, what're you gonna do?" He took a long drag from his cigarette and bit his lip, bringing his gaze to the large blue sky. "About... you know." This was Tony's way of asking me if I would be okay without Logan.
And I was going to tell him I would be fine, that I didn't rely on other people for my happiness, but that would have been the biggest lie I've ever told.
"Well," I started, "I guess I'll live my life. There's nothing I can do, really."
"You know, Ave," Tony put out his cigarette and tossed it near the ledge, "you're really brave. You should know that." And I shook my head, looking over at my brother. I didn't let a tear fall, because I had to be strong. I had to be strong for all those times Logan wasn't.
"I'm not brave, Tony. I'm fucking terrified."
And it was that moment I decided not cursing was bullshit. I always figured if I didn't curse then I wouldn't be as messed up as the rest of my family. But I was already messed up because I lived in a car for the first ten years of my life, because I was raising my siblings like they were my own children, and because I was such an awful friend to someone who meant so damn much to me.
"Think he knows I miss him?" I whispered, biting my lip roughly after letting out a nervous chuckle.
"Yeah, Avelyn, I do." Tony wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I began breathing in and breathing out. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't let myself cry because inside that house were three children who would cry if I cried. And I wasn't going to do that to my family.
"Hey," my head snapped up at the sound of a man's voice. My eyes grazed over the grass below me and saw that Mr.Anderson stood with a box in his hands, looking up at me and my brother.
"What the hell do you want?" My teeth were clenched as Mr. Anderson attempted to hold the box out to me. "What is that?" I asked a cruel look on my face as the man I hated stood before me.
"I found this in Logan's room. I was going to throw it out but I saw it had your name on it, and it seems pretty important, so," he held out his arm that enclosed the small cardboard box. I couldn't have snatched it from his quicker.
"You can kindly fuck off, now thanks," Tony spoke up for me as I ripped off the tape on the surface of the box. My name was written on the cardboard in a blue sharpie, a messy scrawl as if Logan was in a rush.
Ms.Anderson walked away as I dug through it for a note, something to tell me what Logan placed in the box meant. I looked at Tony in disbelief. "It's just tapes." Tony furrowed his brows and watched as I emptied the box next to me. "Tony, I don't have a cassette player."
he bit his lip as his hands grazed over one tape, in particular, marked with his own name, Tony. "I think I have something to play these on. Wait here." So I waited for my brother's return, only thinking about what could possibly be on all these tapes.
They were all marked off with various names of people Logan and I had encountered together. There was one for each of my siblings, one for his father, even for his mother. There were also a few for his small group of friends who he spoke to at school, and I swore that I would deliver the right tape to each person carefully.
Tony came back with a beat-up cassette player and some earphones. He sat down next to me and we decided to play Tony's tape first. We pressed play and waited.
"I don't exactly know how to start this, but I do know you're one hell of a brother. You treat Avelyn with so much respect, and you protect her just like she protects you."
My heart ached at the sound of Logan's voice. I wouldn't cry.
"And I know she's probably listening with you right now so I'll say this, hi beautiful."
And then I cried. I threw my hand over my mouth and sobbed as loud as I possibly could. Tony paused the tape and let me cry until I felt better.
After several minutes, Tony spoke up: "I remember, when we were little and I couldn't sleep, you would climb into bed with me and sing me to sleep. Do you know who does that? A fucking amazing person. And I hate seeing you cry, and I know Logan would too." I smiled at Tony and hugged him tightly. "So don't cry, Ave, you're too pretty to cry."
"I-I love you, Tony, I really fucking love you guys."
"We love you, too. Now do you want to keep listening or should we stop?"
"I need to hear what he has to say."
So tony pressed play and kept his arms around me, and we both sat in the cold and listened to Logan's soothing voice. "Avelyn is so amazing, and she's so goddamn strong. Way stronger than me. And that's why this is so hard, but I know it's right and she'll understand."
I don't understand.
"She'd everything to me, and it would mean the world to me if you looked after her. Please, look after her, Tony, she deserves the world and I could only give her a small portion. Make sure she finds someone who is willing to offer her everything and so much more."
"Also, make sure to tell her I'm sorry, and that I don't mean to cause her any pain. God, if she cries, I-I don't know what I'd do." Logan paused, making noise in the background with what sounds like the strings of a guitar. "I'm so sorry I put you both through this." His voice was quiet, and I could feel tears running none stop down my cheek.
"Tony, dude you've always been like a brother to me. And I told you all that shit about my mom and her new family and you said, 'fuck it, man, she's not worth her time,' and you're so fucking right. You're the brother I never had, and for that, I am so grateful. It's up to you to protect Ave, and the rest of your siblings, And I'm truly sorry I'm not there to help you."
"So here's to the times I wish I didn't have to miss, and here's to your wicked family. You guys kick ass." the tape stopped, and I was almost positive my heart did too.
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