Nanthony opened his eyes. It felt like he’d been asleep for an eternity, the last thing he could remember was the airport and an imminent battle with The Others. The room he found himself in was brightly lit and various medical devices were connected to his chest and head. Sharlto sat next to him in the guest chair, leaning over the bed in delight Nicholas had awoken from his slumber.
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‘Sharlto man, where the fuck are we? What happened!?
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‘You don’t remember anything man?’
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‘Nah bro I just remember standing on a rubbish bin quoting Marcus Aurelius ready to die for heterosexuality and then it’s all a blank.’
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Fuck man.. well, we fought The Others, outnumbered ten to one. We gave them a thrashing, but as we put their lights out more and more of em filled their ranks like gay men pouring out of a sauna at close.’
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‘and what happened to me? I can’t remember any detail?
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‘You copped a glass dildo to the head and got knocked off that rubbish bin almost immediately, but your rallying cry lived on and the men fought bravely. We managed to carry your limp dildo’d body to the plane just before take off. The Sierra Leonian air hostess’ helped you on board. A few healthy young lads stayed behind to keep The Others at bay and mask our retreat. As the plane took off we saw them getting their assholes and minds butchered three ways from Sunday by chicks with dicks. They sacrificed themselves for the cause.
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A tear ran down Nanthonys face.
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‘Those brave healthy roided up men sacrificed themselves for me.. I can’t believe we made it out at all. Where are we now? Sierra Leone?’
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‘Nah man we’re in New Zealand like we talked about remember?’
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‘But what about the air hostess’?’
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‘The worlds a complicated place man.’
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‘Well I guess I better get out of this bed, we’ve got battles to fight, I’m sure there’s still porn here in New Zealand that needs to be stamped out.’
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‘That’s just the thing Nick, there’s not, it’s a non issue here, the government didn’t even have to ban it. People have just taken it upon themselves to abstain and a total Kiwi Utopia has sprung forth as a result.’
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I bead of sweat trickled down Nanthonys forehead.
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‘I just can’t accept that. You’re telling me there’s no virgins and teenagers, retards, weirdos, Japanophiles, lovers of K-Pop and Philosophy?’
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‘Yes man, that’s what I’m telling you.’
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Nicholas became agitated knowing there was no more good fight to fight and began to wrestle around in his bed frustratedly.
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A nurse rushed into the room and administered 1mg of Xanax intravenously.
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As the sublime Benzo high rushed into the bloodstream of the young hero, he felt calmed and elated. He pulled out his mobile phone and angled it away deceptively from Sharlto.
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‘What are you doing man?’ Sharlto quizzically asked.
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A wry smile crept across Nicholas’ face, I’m just lookin what’s out there bro, gimme some time alone hey? I need to readjust and get my bearings.
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As Sharlto left the room, Nanthonys hand reached sneakily for his flesh flute.
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The war was over, but a new battle had just begun.
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The end.
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