It was a cold and still October night, and there was not a healthy man in sight. Nicholas pulled up in his Prius to the address the cops had given him. 348 Stygian street. The area was industrial and the building looked to be abandoned on the outside, and it seemed from the peeling posters on the brick exterior that it had previously been a gym or sports bar of some type.
Reaching into his pocket he searched around for the tablets the authorities had given him. He pulled out a blister pack labelled ‘XANAX Fast Release’ with a small icon of a naked woman straddling a pill shaped object. He popped one of the pills out and threw it in his mouth. The higher ups had told him that these pills coupled with a strong dose of marijuana would desensitise him to pornography. The authorities were afraid that if he was to be porn tested by the rebels that he would become aroused and his cover would be blown. Truly healthy men didn’t become aroused by pornography as they had real active sex lives. Rebel splinter cells would routinely force new initiates to watch hardcore pornography with a blood flow band attached to their penis in order to check for arousal.
He remembered he needed to smoke the Marijuana in conjunction with the Xanax for the desired effect to take place. He pulled the government allocated marijuana cigarette from the cars console and lit it. It was his first time smoking since before the 3 days war. He slowly toked on the joint cautiously, not wanting to be so dazed that he would blow his cover. As he smoked and spluttered his intense and painful erection began to subside. The sounds of hardcore pornography perpetually playing over the radio became less engaging as the high of the Xanax met with the Marijuana in a sublime and addictive terminus of chemical harmony.
In another time, another place, another life, he thought he may well have been quite fond of these substances.
Butting the joint in the ash tray he exited the car and made his way toward the front of the gym. The front door was boarded up, but he noticed an alleyway ran down the side of the building. Slowly walking down the alley a voice called out from above.
‘Who are you?!’
‘My names John Baby Burgess, I mean no harm, I wish to join the resistance!’
‘The catchphrase guy from the 90’s? You’re way to young to be him. And I’m pretty sure he died years ago, nice try.’
‘No of course I’m not the real John Burgess, my parents named me after him because of his lack of sexual appetite, they respected his abstinence.’
‘That’s very strange indeed, but I’ll take your word for it. John Burgess was a legend of daytime TV and plastic surgery. He looked like a geriatric ken doll his entire life and with all that power and money he still didn’t fuck. Now that’s self control, anyway I digress!! How did you know to come here?! Be honest or we’ll know.’
‘I met a healthy man in a park two weeks ago, he somehow knew I’d been abstinent, and he told me about the resistance and to come to this address.’
‘So I suppose if that’s true, he also gave you the password for this building..’
Nanthonys heart sunk into his chest, he knew he was gonna get caught out, the only chance he had was to take a wild guess. The drugs he’d taken had suppressed his brain from being inundated with exhausting and addictive thoughts of black men with penises that blocked out the sun and for the first time he felt his brain was operating at an optimised and maximum capacity.
Burger eyed and filled with super human chemical clarity he blurted out the words ‘Chastity’
The healthy man smiled with relief.
‘Welcome brother. We’re glad to have you on board.’
Nicholas entered the brightly lit interior of the dilapidated gym. The walls groaned with water damage and the musty smell of chlorine and ammonia lingered on the dense air.
‘John did you ever get a chance to see Dances with Wolves before the Ministry of Stimuli replaced it with a pornographic remake?’
‘Yeah I did actually! That was a great film. The original I mean, not the remake.’
‘Fantastic, I only ask because our naming conventions for this cell are similar to that movie. The ORIGINAL, not the remake. Let me introduce you to everyone.’
‘So the guy fiddling with that rubix cube, that’s Avoidstheporn, and to his right is DanceswithPoon, and next to him is Laysthepipe.
Oh oh I nearly forgot, and that’s Lovesthepussy on the end there.’
The steroid affected Greek chad lifted his head in menacing acknowledgement and shot a sinister smile toward John, sending a shiver down his spine.
His tattered shirt covered in hot sweat was emblazoned with the well known rebel slogan ‘Born To Fuck’.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
