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Shen spent most of Sunday just lying in his bed, taking frequent showers because the blood took a little while to stop. When you’re physically assaulted you want there to be visible injuries, something to make it very obvious to everybody that you’ve been harmed, but when you’re sexually assaulted maybe your injuries are all internal, maybe your mental state which has been fucked with, will never be on show, no one will ever know how much we are suffering. Those are the worst injuries because Shen wanted someone to ask him ‘Are you okay?’
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When he went to university on Monday morning he had already stuffed it way down at the bottom of his chest with all of the other things he was not willing to deal with at all.
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Bailey was sitting in class alone when he got there.
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“Hey Shen!”
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“Hi Bailey.”
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“I was so hungover on Sunday I didn’t get out of bed until 3pm!” Bailey as always was so smiley, you wanted to be in his presence because it was soothing.
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Shen just laughed and tried his best not to limp too much, but he was still moving slowly, gingerly after what happened.
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“Hey mate you’re walking a bit funny there.” Bailey gigged and looked him up and down. “Did you enjoy yourself on Saturday night?”
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“Hmm.”
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“So did you go to that guys hotel room? Kasey said she went to that Mark guy’s room and has not stopped talking about it.” Bailey patted the seat beside him and watched with great interest when Shen sat down every so gently.
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“Yeah.”
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“So you were the one who was taking….” Bailey trailed off, he was still very interested in the whole bisexual thing, it was all new to him.
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“You’re so nosey, yes it was me, but I also like to be the one to…” Shen mimicked using his fingers to make a whole and used his forefinger to thrust it in and out.
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Bailey looked astounded.
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Shen just sniggered, he didn’t know how he laughed after what happened, but Bailey was his lucky charm, when he was with Bailey all was right in the world, he was the best friend Shen ever had.
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“Umm okay.” Bailey shrugged his shoulders and they went on with their day as normal.
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Shen didn’t realise it but he started to say no to nights out, he started making up excuses that he had too many assignments to complete, every time there was a party where he might go and get too drunk, he would refuse. His mind was always worrying that something might happen to him, something horrible. He started to dread everything.
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Future Shen was told by a councillor that he very much suffered with anticipatory anxiety during the first few months after his assault, and he was also asked “What can you do about it? Nothing. So why let it clutter your brain? Start to think about the now, live in the now, not the future or the past. It was advice future Shen would use even when he was much older.
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Leading up to Christmas everybody in his class were filled with anticipation because they would have their first break since starting in September. They all had plans to go home to their parents.
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“Shen are you going home too?” Kasey asked him this as they were huddled around computers in the library.
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“Dunno haven’t spoken to them for a while.” Shen just got on with his assignment for Spanish, and tried his hardest not to be a part of any ‘excited’ chatter.
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Weirdly during this time a new girl moved into his building, odd that she was starting school after the Christmas break, but she moved into the top floor flat. Shen saw her every day at the bus stop, she was obviously going to sort out her books before she started.
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Her name was Sybil and she was french. She was very small, tiny about 5’1”, she had lots of black frizzy hair and she dressed like a goth. She was studying fine arts, they wouldn’t have any classes together, but they spoke a lot. They hit it off straight away when she found out he loved international movies, the more subtitles the better, she would invite him up to her flat or they would sit on his floor and watch old french movies. She knew a channel where the movies had no subtitles and she would sit smoking hand rolled cigarettes and translating the french to english.
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Shen always remembered the nice smell of tobacco, it was very different to the cigarettes people smoked at university. She drank red wine, a lot of red wine and she got him hooked on wine, she said it had to be a nice bottle, not cheap crap. Although he was scared to go out drinking socially, he was now drinking in his room alone, some nights he was drinking a whole bottle of wine like it was nothing.
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University finished and suddenly the landlady needed us to all vacate (Shen was the only one left anyway) she was going to be getting rid of an infestation of ladybirds which seemed to appear everywhere in all of the flats.
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Shen was screwed, he had no where to go, his new friends were all on their way to a jolly Christmas with family. Left with nothing else to do, Shen went to the call box outside and for the first time in 4 months he put some money in the telephone and dialled the number he had scribbled on a piece of paper.
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The line rang and rang for what seemed like an eternity.
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“Hello?”
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“Hi mum.”
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“Shen! It’s so good to heard your voice! How are you doing at university?”
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“I’m fine. Everything is fine. I have to come home for Christmas.”
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“Wow that’s amazing news Shen! I’m so excited.”
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“I will need money for the bus journey home, I can get a coach tomorrow, it leaves at 11am, takes 4 hours, I need £90.”
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“That should be okay, I will go to the bank this morning and get them to transfer some money to your account.”
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“Will someone be able to pick me up at the bus terminal?”
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“We can’t Shen your dad is working and so am I. You need to get a local train home.”
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“Okay. I will go, I will see you tomorrow.”
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“Bye Shen, it was so nice to talk to you, I’m looking forward to seeing you, can’t wait to tell your dad!”
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“Bye.”
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It was the most he had spoken with his mother since the start of university, now that the plans were in place Shen began to dread seeing his parents tomorrow. What would he say? He was so fucked up inside emotionally and mentally he didn’t even know what to do, the panic he felt was an enormous ball in his chest.
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That night he packed a bag, he stuffed all of his dirty washing in too because when you’re a student anywhere you can wash your clothes for free, is a bonus. Sleep evaded him as usual, so he just got up and made sure the dishes were done, the rubbish bagged up, all of the taps were off, his college work stored on the shelves, he stripped his bed and pushed it up against the wall, then he sat on one of the armchairs and just waited for the sun to creep up into the sky.
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When it got to 10am he hauled his big holdall onto is shoulder, it was so heavy! He thought his uni bag was heavy, but this was ridiculous! Fuck he had to get it all the way to his house on a coach and a train. Great. When he got to the coach terminal it was freezing, so cold it may even snow, ice sparkled everywhere when the sun shone on it.
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Shen spotted the coach in bay 6 and it had the name of his home city across the front.
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“Hey Merry Christmas, bags go in the luggage store, come on its cold everybody on!” The driver was a nice old man, he was wearing a Santa hat and the entire coach was festooned in tinsel.
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Shen had actually forgot about Christmas decorations, his flat had nothing in it, all of his friends and Sybil had decorated their rooms, not him. On the coach he got himself comfortable it was going to be a long ride home, the driver put Christmas songs on and they were off. Everyone on the coach were travelling in groups or pairs, it was noisy but in a good way, they sang along to the music and even cracked open a few cans of lager.
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Shen had brought for himself a can of cola, an apple, crisps, a sandwich he bought from the coach terminal and his battered old copy of The Portrait of Dorian Grey. He felt like Dorian Grey sometimes, Shen always strived for the outward appearance of ‘normality’, the facade of beautiful art, until he looked into the painting and his face began to melt or the painting changed from handsome to a disgusting wasteland that was his true life, his true form.
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The happy people on the coach got merrier and merrier and they gave Shen two cans of cheap lager. Not one to say no, he opened one and drank them as he read his book. The coach crept ever closer to home, he wished it would just turn around and dump him, any city would do!
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Before long it arrived at the coach terminal. Shen got his enormous holdall and hefted it onto his shoulder, he looked longingly towards the queues of cars waiting to collect the people on the bus, there were some windows down with arms waving madly in greeting. Sadly no one was here for him, so he got his arse into gear and made his way to the train station.
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Sitting on the small local train he was exhausted all of a sudden, his eyes began to droop and his head nodded forward. Jerking up he would look around to see if anyone was moving towards him, his eyes shot around the crowded train, taking in the throngs of Christmas shoppers, arms and hands full of bags, and he cursed because he had bought nothing for his parents at all.
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When the train finally arrived at the station it was about a 5 minute walk to his new ‘home’. It had been 4 months since he had been here and when he walked up to the small semi detached house, it seemed as small and unwelcoming as ever. The house had festive white lights strung outside, and inside he could see a Christmas tree in the living room, which was lit.
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Shen walked up to the door and rang the bell, when he left he hadn’t even bothered with a set of keys, it was like he was a stranger in this house anyway. The door was opened by his mother.
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“Shen!” His mother stood back and motioned with her hand. “Come in, come in its freezing, might snow tomorrow for Christmas eve!”
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Shen stepped into the hall and dumped his heavy bag on the floor with a relieved sigh.
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His beloved Labrador danced about his feet, her chin and muzzle were silver now, poor girl was getting on in years.
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“Hey girl.” Shen bent down and stroked the wiggling dog.
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When he stood up his mother was flinging her arms around him and giving him a tight hug. Shen didn’t know what to do, it was like he had forgotten how to be a son, how to give his mum hugs, how to forgive her. He just stood there like a statue.
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“I missed you so much Shen.” She stood back when her hug wasn’t returned, her son remained stiff and tense. “Would you like some dinner? I made homemade soup and dumplings this morning?”
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Shen hadn’t eaten since his shitty sandwich, so he nodded and followed his mum through the open plan ground floor. The living room was small and led into a small dining room, the kitchen was in the extension. Since he had moved out for University his parents had been working hard to get the place tidied up, everywhere was painted, a new carpet down.
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“Come and talk to me while I warm dinner up, your dad will be home in an hour.” There was a small square table in the kitchen with two chairs either side.
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Shen sat and watched his mum potter around the kitchen, lighting the gas on the stove, getting bowls out and turning the oven on to warm the dumplings through. There was a steady stream of chatter which Shen didn’t really contribute to, he nodded and ‘Hmm’d’ a lot.
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“Your brother called the other day from Beijing, he said his job is going fantastic.”
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This finally caught his attention.
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“Chan?”
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“Yes. He calls once a month, sometimes twice a month. You could learn a thing or two from him Shen. He has a company apartment, a car and a decent salary.” His mum was setting the table while she extolled his big brother’s exploits, she lay out two places and then shook her head and added an extra setting for the ‘guest’.
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“Shen can you go and get one of the dining room chairs, we will sit in the kitchen it’s cozy.” When she reached out to clasp his shoulder, he stepped back.
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Cramped she meant, shit they were actually all going to sit at this little table and act like the last year and a half never happened? He needed a drink. Shen got the chair from the small dining room and carried it back into the kitchen. There he sat awkwardly like a stranger in someone else’s home. The back door opened straight into the little kitchen, and his father took that moment to arrive home from work, he had no clue what his dad did now that he had lost his company.
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“Shen! Son it’s great to see you!” His father was looking well, still striking and distinguished, he was wearing a grey suit and was carrying a briefcase. His smiling dad reached out, clasped Shen’s hand and warmly shook it. “You are looking very well, so handsome like your dad” His dad laughed, he looked so happy to have his son home with them.
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“Mwaa.” His parents shared a loud welcoming kiss and Shen’s dad smacked his mum’s bum.
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Shen looked away it was still too much for him to witness after seeing his mum in the past practically wasting away, she had lost so much weight, she looked like a zombie, and now she was still thin but healthy looking her skin glowed and she also looked fondly at her ‘two men’.
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“This calls for a celebration!” His father went into the dining room, Shen heard cupboards opening and bottles clanking together. His dad came back in with a bottle of red wine and Shen had never been so glad to see something in his life.
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“Do you drink red wine Shen?” His dad showed his son the bottle.
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“Yes, I do.”
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“I thought all students only drank cheap lager and vodka jellies.” His dad chuckled and opened the bottle with a bottle opener, the cork came out with a pop and his dad sniffed it appreciatively. “Hmm nice bottle, my boss bought me it for Christmas, we may as well drink it tonight.” His dad shrugged his suit jacket off, leaving him in just a pale blue shirt, he pulled his tie off as well. Then he poured out three glasses of wine, just the right amount in the glass so they could appreciate the aroma. Sybil taught him that.
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The three glasses of ruby red wine were handed out and they all did a muted ‘cheers’. Shen sniffed appreciatively and took a fortifying sip, it was smooth on the tongue, and too easy to drink, he sipped again.
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“Steady on son this wine is probably much stronger than you’re used to.”
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Little did his father know that his son could probably drink him under the table, easily.
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“I’m fine.” Shen knocked back his wine until his glass was empty. The atmosphere in the kitchen was strained. He could tell his parents were over the moon to have him home, his mum looked teary as she dished up hot soup and placed the pot sticker dumplings in the middle of the small table, his dad topped up his wine glass up with a grin. They ate as a family for the first time in 1 year, but nothing was the same. Chan wasn’t there making them all roar with laughter, their big dining room which normally rang with laughter in the old house was a distant memory now. How many nights had they sat playing board games, monopoly or Trivial Pursuit? Until this moment Shen hadn’t let the whole destruction of his previous life occupy his thoughts, until he was sitting in this small cramped kitchen with his clearly happy and content parents, his heart began to ache.
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No! Fucking stuff that down into the bottom of his gut with everything else, there was still space for more. He felt so dead inside. It felt like all of the joy in his life had abandoned him, and all that was left was an empty bitter husk, void of any emotion at all.
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“I’m pretty tired I think I will just go to bed.” Would it be easier to just leave them to their routine? He felt like an interloper.
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“Wait Shen, are you okay? You’ve hardly said a thing since you got here?” His mum put her soft hand gently on top of his, squeezing gently.
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His mum was always the one to notice if he or his brother were upset, she was always there. Shen swallowed he wanted to tell her everything, so badly! He wanted to blurt out everything which had happened to him, but he stopped himself almost viciously, he clamped his mouth shut. What the fuck would he tell them? What would he say “Oh by the way I was raped, molested, I was shit faced drunk, so drunk I had to have consented right? Oh also roofied, but that was my fault too. I deserved everything I got, you should be so proud of me dad I’ve turned into a whore! I don’t even know if the two who raped me were clean, I’m too scared to go to the clinic and get tested.”
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“I’m fine mum. I’ll go up, goodnight.”
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“Okay, your room has towels in if you want to shower.”
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Shen nodded and patted Ginseng as he passed her bed, the dog snuffled his hand as she got up, following him up as he dragged his heavy bag up the staircase. When he got upstairs there were four doors, one bathroom, three bedrooms, he already knew where his room was so with a reluctant sigh he opened the door and took in the bunkbed, the room was small and tidy, his mum had obviously been around and cleaned, changed the bedding, the room smelled nice like fabric softener.
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He grabbed his toiletries and quickly showered, brushed his teeth and used the toilet. When he got back to his room he dragged a pillow and the quilt onto the floor and curled up on his side. Ginseng circled then dropped down with a groan, snuggling into his stomach. Shen felt a tear run down his temple and he was helpless when they didn’t stop. He sobbed quietly with his fingers anxiously clasped in his dog’s fur. He fell asleep like that, a troubled dream filled sleep.
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Lesson Eighteen - Don’t bottle everything up its going to explode one day.
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Lesson Nineteen - Don’t be too proud to ask your parents/guardians for help
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