Yes, I know I haven't updated in two months. I... had fallen into old habits again. The self-doubt. The fears. The anxieties. So, I ran. It's always easier to just run, telling myself I'm not good enough, that it's all not meant to be. The hardest part of doing anything is to have faith - and not just momentary faith, but persistent faith - that you will succeed. I've failed so many times in life, not just in writing, but also in socializing. Some of the most successful people in the world claimed that it's alright to fail many times, but the difference between winners like them and losers like me is the will. The will to persist.672Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5Zp4bYAWM
I'm scared. Bitter. Angry. I'm too angry to succeed, too fixated on my failures, on the pain others brought me, on my incapability to be normal. I'm an emotional wreck, too insecure to believe in myself. How could someone like me hope to achieve something as sacred as success?
I wasn't always like this, of course. I used to be cockier, more ignorantly self-confident. But the years went by, and the failures piled on. Things get harder the older you get. I started to feel more meaningless in existence. So I searched and searched for a meaning, but with each failure, the nihilistic beliefs in me grew stronger.672Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlIzw65YSh
It's all bullshit excuses, I'm sure some of you would say. "If I wanted to do it, I can do it." What a thoughtless platitude.672Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3veWwxMklA
I've hit rock bottom again, which is why I'm back here, searching for some source of escape from life. I had thought, if I would just focus on writing again, I can forget my pain. I don't know if I could do it. Just type away and write, not a care for criticisms or faults. But I'm probably going to be lonely again for the next couple of weeks, gives me some quiet time to think, to write... to drown myself in work. Just anything to get my mind off the pain.
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