So I have had a constant problem... with people. I'm very sensitive, and I have a loose temper. I've argued with many people in many forums over the years, and have been banned in half of them. I have an ego, essentially. It's not the easiest lifestyle to live with, and I am seeing a shrink for it, but it's not really helping.
I guess I just don't have that mentality to change. It's an ironic contradiction for an egoistical person to change himself, unless of course, he has some greater love in his life that he could willingly sacrifice for, or some romanticized bullshit like that. I don't. I don't have anyone in my life, so it's a downward spiral for me. Just a neverending train of hatred and bitterness.
Life is no romantic comedy where some saintly maiden comes and rescue you from your angry bitter shell, melt your cold heart and makes you care for something other than yourself. Things just don't work like that. So people like me will stay bitter for the rest of my pathetic life. That's a fact. No one in real life will put up with that kind of bullshit, no matter how much of a saint she or he might be, and that's why I'll forever be alone, and that's why I'll forever be bitter. It's a vicious neverending cycle that will never change.
I've been having an ugly argument with a forum member for the past 6 hours or so. It was over something petty, and my ego couldn't stand it. Part of me just wanted the argument to be over, but the other part of me just kept lashing out. Arguing with someone is tiring, and it certainly doesn't feel good, even if it offers a temporary catharsis. But I can't change who I am. It's like embedded in my DNA. I can't stop my anger when it starts. There's no rational thought in my head that goes, "HEY! Maybe this isn't such a good idea, to get angry again!" Therefore, there's no coherent thought to make me 'count to 10' or 'take a breath' or some pointless anger management technique like that.
I kept seeing my shrink, hoping something would change, thinking that maybe I should just get some medicinal aid and it will magically go away, my anger. I haven't gotten a prescription yet because I'm worried about the side effects it will cause. Right now, it's merely psychoanalysis and therapy. Maybe I should just get my pills soon.
I fell into a depression yesterday after the argument. It's all happening again, my anger costing my relationships with others. Sleeping it off didn't help. I woke up cranky again today, and the argument got even worse. Sigh.
And yet, secretly, it felt kinda good, the depression. Maybe I'm too used to feeling like that. It's like, I wanted to feel even more hollow. I wanted to watch a depressing movie that would make me feel empty, like there's no meaning in this world. I felt like that would numb my pain and make it all go away. I would love to just forget about all this, numb my pain, and move on. It hurts.
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