I've always been an angry man. A trait inherited from my father, perhaps. There were often something I would be frustrated with, some wrong in the world that I wanted to vent about. Most of the time, it stemmed from my own insecurities. I don't have much love in my life, so when seeing the happiness of others, I was naturally bitter, and I needed to see them unhappy. I couldn't stand the fact that people were ignoring me... that I was unloved, that I meant nothing to everybody else. So, I had to mean something to them, even if it's a negative image. I had to make them notice me.
Unfortunately, I'm not a very good writer. Unless it concerns personal matters, I'm not a very good writer of stories and fiction. I'm more articulate when it comes to whining and venting. I could go into the most depraved details as I describe to you my sexual desires. I could slur the people I hate with some of the most colorful terms put together in a sentence. But fiction-writing? No, that's not something I'm good at. I only have my rage and frustration, nothing else.
So I made good virtue of my imperfections. I set out to write the most offensive story ever, one that wouldn't need effort or skills. I set out to write the worst story ever. I was hanging around fanfiction.net at the time, as well as starting out as a greenhorn fanfic writer in certain anime forums... AnimeSuki included. So, I decided to write a story that would tick them off, those communities, a story that mocked fanfiction, a story that's a parody of the level of depravity fanfiction, and just writers in general, could sink to in their world-building and imaginings. We as writers hold a great power over characters and story. It's practically like alchemy, creating life from our thoughts. To wield such power and just make an abomination out of it, that was a tempting sin to consider. Like finding your father's pistol and run out into the streets, shooting everyone in sight. Cathartic.
Thus, Fictitious was born. It even had the mocking tagline, "Unleash your imagination", the same one Fanfiction.net proudly worn on its sleeve like something to be commended for, when 90% of fanfiction is gutter shit. It was a joke waiting to be told. I wouldn't be any funny, of course - but the important thing was that I would be laughing, that I would have fun. But, of course, writing a bad story turned out to take as much effort as writing a good one. There were still structure and cohesion obstructing me for some reason, those textbook rules preventing me from publishing a jumbled story without shame. That shame and embarrassment would always coerce me into deleting the stories shortly after I've written them. Guess I've just been too brainwashed into following the rules that I couldn't even break them properly anymore.
I'm still angry today, at the people who've ignored me, at people who've made me feel small, insignificant. And boy, would I love to piss them off. I guess that's the joy those notorious Internet trolls get out of. A good trolling, as they've said, is actually more difficult than a few simple lines of insult. Anyone could just type gibberish and insults online, but it takes a special someone to make people take notice. Because I have no other skills to provide, I wanted to at least be that special someone. If I am not loved, the least I could ask for is hate. I'm pathetic enough to ask for it.
Maybe I'll write Fictitious again, taking people's favorite anime characters and rape them, maul them, kill them in the most brutal manner possibly imagined, all for my own sadistic satisfaction. If I can't be happy, then I'll make the world unhappy. It's such a simple line of logic. And I don't even need to be a talented writer for it.
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