I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbl2k3SVRP
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwOoGQZyej
It’s New Year’s Eve!241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEBdJjqlgf
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJ9ncr3cw1
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwv5Ja8Yhv
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPE0YAlmXXO
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0WLFgfMgn
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7DIuH1v4R
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCktgAhqm3
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtxSDz6XcQ
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcXoXwzj3m
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkD07DjrXgN
God, what the hell am I thinking?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR613R7AgJO
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8O7lNFE9k2
241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nQGA0uT6O
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMDFnQcmRQ
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKl78CeGenj
Why did I come here?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2v7QadAgNC
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzjXp7EL5S
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswyja9MRha
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEatimUmDK
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcDHC0ylZD
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gx88QtGsr
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXjsMPZdEi
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLm7M5Qa4lF
Fuck.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8CO9aTie6
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonE8oWE0p4
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyNF1ksBAU
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw6EPtHXTj
What do I even say back?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVApd8WmBWU
Lie?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7HPV8Rgu9
“What? I’d never.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgnZmAjSGo
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiwMPpIfKF
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAKaYwsd2b
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRj7SyggmtK
Okay, so lying didn’t work.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ERoZ8Uv5X
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzwbK9wxXZ
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsiZkm7saZ
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoFV5DTi5m
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCvF9lmuXu
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ubLxwabm3
I can’t take it.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXbPogTTNL
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4A69MeJc6
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEXUBWhXZm
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhunzZ8A8Q
“We can do the countdown out here.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7KMIJb1gl
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSM8NKNNWYg
I swallow.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQ2dNzTztW
“Just the two of us?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTfHRQVDb5
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRj0I1GeMl
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PMkRmnGbO
“Why does it matter?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTz7U5csdQU
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrbz9Rkb2I
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJ8PiySSn6
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3roqpFImUp
“Rozzlyn.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBh4qeP4Q9H
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmQ7ExVkpY
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcTf7JnEP4
Jesus Christ.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZL3ubE7Q4h
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7VPvmnSFs
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88fXb1f2je
His eyebrows furrow.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxnW9p6DVA
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6sjegjsxtx
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmsIoSTz1m
“What does that mean?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzBav30Hon
“Where’s Nadia?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJWMv2NYbk
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeqnIiScFx
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnM6V1dYwgI
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2o6NsXtu3H
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1pJtdOr4h
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dTNgMUKh0
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7zLj0kKKd
It’s all I’m worth.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnyhJJHDqyq
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHCIfLWSlQ
I’m empty.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGHAz3KbD7
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoxz6l6vR7
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mqJ1jp2L7
“You stupid, stupid woman.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjowxtn7WlF
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqprAGb0g4R
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8q2U5oHky
Is this real?241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PLUYh6ZCp
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DBbVwhxQ6
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfeGGP1KEM
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7zBSt970T
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVthvy8ozr
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgvugAGLmo
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedgZ58Iz0g
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYMEsiXBaT
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2qrlB7vJG
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuvOuZYZUT
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyIL4Y4Cbnz
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5Img6nokr
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5wAQ8ZQe2
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs44AdxpB23
I’ve never wanted anything more.
241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vCSShsDKz
