I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEuKbTI2GIZ
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEo3oCom3HR
It’s New Year’s Eve!205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxXMgIW8ok
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGTgUPJH12
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFDwWEOwJB
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0AWpDX5chF
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXv6DFHcHS
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoN3sP6Hm6f
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2rgQUN3It
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6srUOHjmHF
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHtccOzZC5
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHaf20gFdGT
God, what the hell am I thinking?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VS50TdadZ
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2A8SkaDLs
205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkdD5WsL5Z
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsWu6sjMJZ
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQzkrq15Gk
Why did I come here?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2I6HaOWnO
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAb0M6IFvZU
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2xLq9wvSK
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAPC4L8BZO
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYWgNAC4Ys
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bO8htyelh
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSO6OBqJ7y
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bC3z6fcJK
Fuck.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjXG1bb6rx
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRmWhduTGX
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCn3nkju7C
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHRD9ysLfl
What do I even say back?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizXWEIogK2
Lie?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpzG7iEgoW
“What? I’d never.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexNF8L34xE
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWga2Dxdpp
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvkJacct3S
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRu4kofDGyi
Okay, so lying didn’t work.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqpamZlLig
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3KHmpVOnt
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6YqJ1n5fl
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHviicvPTjO
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJQQD0RMXw
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpiUbpDeT8
I can’t take it.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMt6gnyMbct
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pWM1QmEF0
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzf9S6UY0SN
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkURuwCzWe7
“We can do the countdown out here.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7oV0uzH7w
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViLB1JaSs1
I swallow.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJt0bZcXIrY
“Just the two of us?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA18khfFliL
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFDgIxg837
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecye8AagFb
“Why does it matter?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUafjYCrj5
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0vqN8tbBp
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxfTBpAViF
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNeFM3GBaX
“Rozzlyn.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYhw4iTTfy
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xemIX901f
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmganHEgVeW
Jesus Christ.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgJulbc7ST
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB43tb45K0F
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKV6sCbkZzr
His eyebrows furrow.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iFXNXHYWp
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjPlCoSpmu
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTLnf5Qg9F
“What does that mean?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqHsDcl81J
“Where’s Nadia?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LZvsGDlmJ
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8Mb8UCrAE
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVkMcw1ZP9
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOwZVRSqN9
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1s9Cags1jI
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7hUg6KWVt
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNBGaibXid
It’s all I’m worth.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdSFsYnZAWB
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSybCxDTQ2I
I’m empty.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2e6UODC12d
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwwh09ZFhm
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgVK9qeklN
“You stupid, stupid woman.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPMqSzLRxj
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADga3KhqYL
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLY4BXfXkd
Is this real?205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjy7tjhCre5
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYlWzPDbNy
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNM6pobNTR4
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbFSla5VvN
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHdCBIlQ9Q
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVJ1J1NA53
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VcjDc00r6
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsCR6Ysni1
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiONXqMcBV
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbcStiyKmd
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8SNZMZfYS
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡun9jApQr4U
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKbfOKiXV7
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIc9zfgxpT
I’ve never wanted anything more.
205Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNCOBCFOeW
