I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQMourGT1v
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhYMJJnI0X
It’s New Year’s Eve!274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduy3NKBlRx
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRexcfip6f
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbHg6hvlvr
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVtuXzJgBW
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGGOEViEzb
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIwvAxVqjQ
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliBM2fiSuy
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vtUJLE3fC
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxzs1VFC88
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJRmqAn6nO
God, what the hell am I thinking?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQX8Kou3Ln
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTMaqwQMDM
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuM1wf74eUC
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVGMgHIoMK
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dfIIXEHtK
Why did I come here?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXcYiTwg72
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6CwxBmO1R
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSCcQejMgm
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPfxnv48f0
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrTQpi8jWL
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcphBlqYPt
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KQ0WSClnV
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9qO9QYvi8
Fuck.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXTn09Osts
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25mdNTjien
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmW73SAuG0
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKAcL39Lmp
What do I even say back?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEO53E0n9Rk
Lie?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTMQptpdIo
“What? I’d never.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJg0jBu0uA
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSk5xDY7QbD
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47bB0O16Qu
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLZRX1j0eW
Okay, so lying didn’t work.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMO3CZUGBra
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWnkcZ4Ggn
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQGBjIqrwF
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGaP120Eug
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrjZ3EFRc6
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZoX50b9u5N
I can’t take it.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nKijEJNmS
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Dh17YrTxv
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsl7zPJN6xD
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eyIY995AX
“We can do the countdown out here.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDdEoXPjqS
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcss7gOELgV
I swallow.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuJ0fYHvze
“Just the two of us?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3KHiKcUq6
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1BYxOFelc
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVdxcpn4G4
“Why does it matter?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmd9DTTRq4
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCm4HDnyNOJ
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrrKZlbzNZ
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCBmUJwsZJ
“Rozzlyn.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ980iSnqHs7
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQ53BlUXpE
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIGdjmw2py
Jesus Christ.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjN3J2hMVo
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkkQmj41bB
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpPzsxXHu8
His eyebrows furrow.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjp0CVjvkn
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlonF8tDqA
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjk7qWx0wR
“What does that mean?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3eKlojMZc
“Where’s Nadia?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZC5j2eaap
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUjqfkR53G
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCqa6Dc85G
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZOYj5xjSO
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxruUh6Merb
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRn6xQln78n
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLX4uDyHbaH
It’s all I’m worth.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Rdxi8X2BN
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5WOksESVS
I’m empty.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cqRBGgY4z
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUu8p1IZxgr
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpC54ZjdTOj
“You stupid, stupid woman.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonZmQZYYhJ
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4JGY7Ypjm
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGQFtVkFGJ
Is this real?274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQVllFncZc
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhuwBNPqqO
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe71IRrfs6N
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32uifv9njv
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkNdlQXLhv
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeNKEvYNeI
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvA0MirHf59
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ418vlAI0G2
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyuPZUKybG
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruzULvchUk
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0KiSqhteZ
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKDHOAr0T7
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAV7ik2BNFg
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXhnm0snTJ
I’ve never wanted anything more.
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0Z0dE0J19
