I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHAnkLT3zE
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCgtvinRFc
It’s New Year’s Eve!273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxarwvdNB1Z
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRP165pHUCq
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29RaRgbNxA
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfAGUZzDgZ
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYAKTRdnbV
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtKz3KaVWR
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnKA3jb6rW
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePaA5EFYaA
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpTWfdHfcD
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VAS3w4AGi
God, what the hell am I thinking?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzKjGqnOTe
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHkWwM3lQU
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNnjoU0Iya
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BvupkcoGz
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeTVfpsCq8
Why did I come here?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguRav1fFbP
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAdLAAaG7C
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnacnaA45ob
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFy9j0uXWw
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXApd0KnGz
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm08YhhUvLL
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2qBRfa6tQ
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfp8sOqV2fl
Fuck.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXm6CQOKUlr
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4rLnkVE4n
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICLVSC1IUK
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJVHQo2UMQ
What do I even say back?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxII2mYHY7F
Lie?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQBnDCbknb
“What? I’d never.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHpTklWFJl
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RaaSIcbql
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgambjOGJk
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfvkRzSfUg
Okay, so lying didn’t work.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35vv8lj1k1
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeubBfUctWy
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMzJuXfVr1
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmupexoA97
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGfE5Alel8
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5jbXKuYJH
I can’t take it.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXTj8CruC5
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8q1ZyBkCiG
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifOeCYtP49
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpKWT3rviO
“We can do the countdown out here.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHMqOUlTfO
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTIqwfkz9O
I swallow.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3quaUU83yT
“Just the two of us?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHY8pMo4cz
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hKIthXFwC
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJQgIe0Pwy
“Why does it matter?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkevxrRwAEc
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMj9NYS7S4X
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhx1w7Pd0nE
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyKss6hvqP
“Rozzlyn.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyX4Go7447
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oY8K5RWLh
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8I6U5Ex52H
Jesus Christ.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7I7iUcPqRk
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5VRmhW1ne
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2CMG6oify
His eyebrows furrow.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMmCc2xDO5
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYHLRYFScp
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyB2MYv8Td
“What does that mean?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnywEjOdLVI
“Where’s Nadia?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvjPUm38Lx
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7gcznjJU4
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9BJUEnkRe
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCFDLi9OuP
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSAfPn9RrQ
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1rUKJFej6
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwbl1fPQuB
It’s all I’m worth.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgdPl5ykuI
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9WdfjmNWt
I’m empty.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCa2aBY9lL
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUvYIVef0r
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufFBAZcwZn
“You stupid, stupid woman.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEntP2pjLW
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDz4QFldipX
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmnE1Lph0n
Is this real?273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHj4lu5f9Ex
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrEK6lECGQ
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5rwKvxLIB5
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIO5VxchG3
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvT6gyDlM7Y
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwLsY9aTTZ
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgNYjlCpMr
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkVf9d3V3e
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YjbGlU19M
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEP1rC4SUb
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3IDhwfw3A
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIb7dLhhEod
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAt0mu9mfwj
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKvxPGacyQ
I’ve never wanted anything more.
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡae7IC8BLdY
