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We could have been married by now; if I hadn't rejected you in the second grade. We would have dated through high-school; can you imagine it, us studying together, watching each others matches, going for walks. Mother liked you, you know. She said you were respectful and hard-working. I liked you because of how honest you were; you never told lies, never had a reason to brag, whatever you wanted to say you'd say it without a care for people's reactions. I was a coward, afraid to be ridiculed.
When you confessed it made my day, I was happy. But when the others started to pick on me I used you as an escape. They ridiculed you that day and I felt my first heartbreak. I was sorry, and you forgave me so easily. We stayed friends, but I kept my guilt. Every now and then I wonder, if I hadn't been such a coward, you'd have been my first for so many things. My first date, first kiss, my first time...
And I would have been there with you; when your parents fought, when they divorced, when your father cut ties with you all. I would have been there. When you worried about your mother and siblings, when you dropped out of school to work. I know I'm a coward, but my only redeeming quality is my loyalty, loyal to the end. I know I would have stayed at your side through it all. Even when our other friends left you, when you had your mental break, I would have stayed with you.
You were the first guy to confess. You admired things about me I didn't see in myself. Life tried to give us a second chance in college. When we met again you made my heart race, we spoke and I felt like a girl on her first crush. But I was engaged. I had liked him at first you know, but when we got engaged I felt burdened, weighed down, unhappy. He was safe. My parents liked him, especially father. They had connected on some level. Father always looked like he pitied you. My grandparents too welcomed him. He spoke well with grandmother, she was dying and I wanted her to know that I was going to be okay. He seemed the right choice. So I forced myself to stay with him.
When you found out, you looked so sad but you brushed it off with that smile of yours. I couldn't keep talking to you, it made him jealous, everything made him jealous. He said you were pathetic, even called you crazy. We fought over you a few times. I should have broken up with him then. Maybe there would have been a chance for us to start over.
We didn't speak for years after, but occasionally I saw you, walking the streets, or when you were out for your morning jogs. I was too ashamed to approach you, I felt like I had no right.
Then one day I had the most arousing dream. A lover had come knocking at our door, I was happy to see him again; I couldn't see his face but I knew I loved him. I had waited for him to come back. I was awoken early that morning, my parents anxious to get me out of bed. I hadn't brushed my teeth or my hair, not even washed my face as father pulled me to the door. There you were. Just like the lover in my dream.
You were on a morning jog and stopped by to say hi. Maybe that was the universe giving me a sign. We exchanged numbers and promised to stay in contact. For a while we did, but I'm a coward. I still couldn't face you. I kept putting off answering your messages until it looked like I was ignoring you. You stopped writing.
Every now and then I glimpse you or see your siblings and I wonder what would have happened between us. Whenever I pass your house I'd steal glances at your window hoping to see you. Your sister doesn't like me, I can tell, she ignores me, then again I don't try to reach out to her either. Your brothers are friendly enough but it's just common courtesy. I'm friends with your cousins you know. We've been friends for years, sometimes they'll talk about you, it always makes me happy to hear about you.
I've been going to therapy recently, getting a lot of things off my mind, off my chest. I can never bring myself to talk about you during those sessions. Instead thoughts of you occupy my mind everyday, what might have happened with us? It's also made me realise all the guys I ever dated, the guys I fancied, all reminded me of you in some way. Funny isn't it. I won't approach you, instead I keep chasing your shadows. I've decided if I can't approach you, I'll stay single for the rest of my life.
I hurt you, I'm sorry.
I miss you...
I love you.
- K
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P.S. No, maybe I don't love you, just the memories I have of you. I doubt there's any remnant of the kids we were then. Maybe our time has passed.
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