I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqthafzQYk
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1OFK3F2QM
It’s New Year’s Eve!285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjVUCUiMYl
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJvj7UC9Bs
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzB4sSi2rao
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTLt3HQUnT
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG02b50qQcE
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bfhgHtjsR
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChtASkqccp
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEJmau4yXK
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyNrIhOAXY
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYS3rVCsf0z
God, what the hell am I thinking?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwuxMgyXVe
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDh5dZviJTh
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmQlJMDRDO
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSCg1S7Pt6
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHksvCxAFX
Why did I come here?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQKujmVkGF
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72TWPLxGkL
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7X0D9W9T2B
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspnx86dmoI
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpfBfDW2m8
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsytBbd0bt
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXmS57Fc5b
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfwpwSX6O1
Fuck.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYnCondcLk
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiv6VP1CP4
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tnOnk1zaF
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡce2VH4Zrey
What do I even say back?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOcDcnFqnK
Lie?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfh8ERt2ed
“What? I’d never.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2h7dWN6DT
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEx6sRYCvWt
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tAC0v1HJw
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnQDjHuGVk
Okay, so lying didn’t work.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3aFtvInZy
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rhbRjoQtn
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYC4kZAnXHO
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgJtYGetjU
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0vbZGjTZH
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6WKeyBVaU
I can’t take it.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxYEpJd30Q
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKNHpH22mt
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRvu6woSR8
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwCGs43WYH
“We can do the countdown out here.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiy5wDNeMb
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mXUXmaTHI
I swallow.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5sAuDyEzb
“Just the two of us?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rOWzMS1LE
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0iUz5uawS
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJcF922AXy
“Why does it matter?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRb4HLdsLr
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MJPnGbE9P
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68eClDQEjf
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuN1EMEU5Dd
“Rozzlyn.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nXqgt8JjI
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjUkTO7623
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1ubjh6RWJ
Jesus Christ.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZe8QKT9Qnv
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJongsGitd
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvP8POaZyq
His eyebrows furrow.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6kQFF9jVN
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTulcGAyzel
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4AuJI5ZhV
“What does that mean?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgW0SBSfREh
“Where’s Nadia?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7o5phYDA5
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaKrTpolKw
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8haMPhUM4Y
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamxbsR5aEO
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskmuZ9P7zG
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8TTME2AZ7
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7kUQaEwYY
It’s all I’m worth.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡis9mmx3nQX
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaah2O4H1Js
I’m empty.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYzBQnbUzu
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYhasIcBO6
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmF2JlwH8Ui
“You stupid, stupid woman.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUvIx7d5a5
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DhMTwCx5w
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXN9ioMImM
Is this real?285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbs2HQONiL
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIgPMG6rIh
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Hok4NYvrE
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbe75zQ9sr
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcsoCCYuK2
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUoZ9ek0wNi
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjkD9ri0Bi
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59MvG8swkb
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiqPeCuv56
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldKNGq5Jk6
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhn1Jr6Mt1T
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7thXzRTgE
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzWuc353kL
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCy5vpFKRvz
I’ve never wanted anything more.
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekoWj3nXcO
