I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHu17PVdfoZ
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nuyrV9M5w
It’s New Year’s Eve!206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPASvYlRIt7
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNGNFTHSWV
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbu5nklJKF
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeD1ez2TMZh
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrX3TC0j5I
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacb7UEATqJ
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09Pyn4kfCh
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbPpK54wAt
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs39hpNvvhz
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWUWjrZVsq
God, what the hell am I thinking?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLI4bSdfCC
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YwRl0xz2a
206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjU82simK6
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8tX1BysLK
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sgJxqZypJ
Why did I come here?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1CCPqqgym
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtP7wCmX91
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiC5ZhFqL7
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBpMaaqj1G
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOVIEBZOu6
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKjGhaI9XY
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVnMKvbj3V
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojFWLTbXXY
Fuck.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3ENEhr0vw
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28erKDBe0n
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmm0BDOt3YD
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrp35GKy2Sm
What do I even say back?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7hT1rP0K2
Lie?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvOsOi9BAD
“What? I’d never.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rzLQGgW8o
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKkls8ChoO
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZFy8upij6
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9ocdrATkg
Okay, so lying didn’t work.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWucvnqFCKg
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UMSP9ojQ4
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQ3oMlrWsl
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRVbLWmrzq
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXFHTcKTKr
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRzjNyDw8d
I can’t take it.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJizLKc0SSl
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8ojQUlebf
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuk4XKaK1cC
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WKJQUfUjR
“We can do the countdown out here.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WErMcDrE6
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzAyQzQaiT
I swallow.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4vI1Og7Du
“Just the two of us?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDf16iAkOU
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDi5mLjdtv
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0CR0wyRVW
“Why does it matter?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1naOwt5zN
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1OqdvWbnc
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSiLa3vh1W
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QZGHdbwS5
“Rozzlyn.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFQzkk7NBj
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4bjsIq0v2
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkZcNTyo3H
Jesus Christ.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cir9XOsX5
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2s26bzujdY
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSWEo2x80O
His eyebrows furrow.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNi8g6sDWAb
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0ntIIdbk4
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMetEXmeUN
“What does that mean?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WGSF0ufgH
“Where’s Nadia?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJlPlDfPCT
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEG761TCnE
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3cIk83N4l
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9G6MTzENP
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHMzKDwjc2
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3vQbUiO9y
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6ZIW8dDLc
It’s all I’m worth.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5fGNfJHpy
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4RhKLS5X6
I’m empty.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRXnwMqV9T
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8T8wGRSIS
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMlCjPC8WXN
“You stupid, stupid woman.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgDP6KmhYd
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRD63Kk8Rg
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7cvfZrV9g
Is this real?206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2Przpdnja
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1dxS6iiwk
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSD50tg6Bb
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzPc5SeLWK
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2xoL9qZq0
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfCkb67nW4
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpiMuUUkno
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG1eTrH1Ui
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkl04kWyb0
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbczqj4PBN
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkkpn0yqei
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYThoXF8hfX
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3u2Zv6woud
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkksB9Fvxr
I’ve never wanted anything more.
206Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdF4tbDdeq
