5.13.2023 to 5.20.2023
48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHJIbKYZpi
“You are so beautiful. I want you to be mine.” Rick whispered in my ear as he kissed the base of my neck reaching my shoulder. I let out a small moan and he rubbed himself against my butt and to my surprise my hips began to comply. As I moaned his hands moved to my chest and squeezed my boobs. This made me move a little faster. I wanted this and him. He was my physical type all the way and I wanted this; why couldn’t I stop thinking about you? I wanted you to be touching me and making me scream your name. I was here in the present with a man that really wanted me and all I could think about was Tyler. His light blonde hair and pure blue eyes with a tall slender figure. His tattoo on his arm I used to trace with fingers his best friend did for him. It had his uncle and grandma’s name under the roses. I miss him, us.
Rick moved hands to the end of my shirt and slipped his hand under it and his fingers moved to my bra straps and he unclasped it. My shirt was over my head and on the floor in a matter of seconds. His blue eyes met my brown ones and he kissed me once more pushing my body down on the bed as he unbuttoned my shorts and threw them to the floor. His eyes took in my naked body that I was already self conscious about. He didn’t seem to mind it though as his head made its way between my legs. Was he really going to? Already? His fingers parted my lips and his tongue went to work. It felt amazing better than Tyler the first time. Why are you still thinking about him Hope; when another man is eating you out? Why are you comparing the two? Just shut up and enjoy it, I tried to tell myself. He sucked and tugged and then licked some more, making me push his head further into me. Moans escaped my lips and my head hit the bed as he went deeper for a moment with his tongue; fuck why did it never feel this relaxed with Tyler?
His ocean eyes met mine once again as he repositioned his body for him to enter me and he asked “Are you ready.” In his husky Irish accent. Stunned I just nodded and he kissed my forehead before entering me. A moan left my lips. It felt good but not like Tyler he was being too gentle. He bent down to kiss and I asked for entrance with my tongue but was denied. This was not passionate and my legs weren’t shaking. I just wanted it to be over with he wasn’t you. I looked at him and he was enjoying himself as he watched himself thrust in and out of me.
“Look at me baby.” Rick asked. It honestly just annoyed the fuck out of me. I couldn’t find myself to do it, he wasn't you. He picked up his pace a little until I could tell he was about to cum and he pulled out. I sat up and then went to use the restroom. Annoyed, I picked my clothes up off the floor and got dressed.
“Are you leaving already? You know I meant what I said about you being mine” Rick asked as he pulled his boxers back up. I can’t even think about being someone else's other than Tyler’s. I felt like I just cheated on the love of my life. Now he wants me to be his, no way. I looked over at his son sleeping and doubt filled my mind for a minute but soon faded. I think this was a mistake
I wasn’t ready; what if Tyler wants me back?
“It’s late and I have to let my dog out and take a shower. I’ll see you later.” I walked over to Rick and gave him a light kiss on the lips. I looked at him for a moment. He was so hot. His blue eyes and trimmed red beard. He wore glasses but they were off at this moment and he looked like a viking god. I just had sex with this man but am thinking about Tyler what is wrong with me.
“You can stay here, shower and leave in the morning.” Rick offered. I could see me leaving was going to hurt him just a little but honestly I did not care. I just wanted to go home. I don't even know what I am doing here. Maybe I just wanted to see if I could really fuck someone else.
“I'm really tired, I’ll just see you later.” I gave him one more kiss and grabbed my shoes and walked out the door. Before I even reached my car my phone beeped and facebook messenger popped up with a message from Rick.
Was this a mistake to you? Also don’t forget to take plan b, we aren’t in the position for another kid right now. Did he seriously just tell me to go buy plan b. What the fuck. I guess this was a mistake. I put my phone down and just ended up turning the radio on putting on my break up playlist. My phone went off a few more times. It was probably Rick but I didn’t want to talk to him right now. Fuck. Tyler would never want me to take plan b or make me feel so dirty after a session. Did I really lose the love of my life? Will I ever feel that spark again with someone else? Did I really want to?
Maybe I just want to keep myself distracted now that he is gone. I was on autopilot the whole way home. I started to think about the trailer my best friend and I were going to be moving into in a few months just to keep my mind off of men. I just needed a break from everyones fucking feelings. I really just wanted to scream and break a bunch of shit. Ever since Tyler told me he was really done I had to start focusing on myself again and I almost forgot what that was like. I was always so focused on taking care of everyone else in my life I let myself come last. I was excited to start this new chapter with my best friend Hailey. We both needed this, a fresh start. No drama no boys fucking with our heads just grinding making some money and having a good little time. Even if both of our hearts were broken.
Even thinking of that brings him back into my mind. This was supposed to be for us to create a future as a couple. I was going to come home to you every night and you were going to be the only family I ever needed. I guess the two years together meant nothing to you and it was all a big waste of fucking time. It just hurts you actually left me after everything I did for you, for us. I could feel my heart contract in my chest at the thought of me meaning nothing to him. He really fucked me up this time. I should’ve just left the first time he broke my heart. I was naive and thought he would be my everything. I pulled into my parents driveway and looked around stunned that in a few short months I would be in my own place. I was scared, excited, sad, and ready all at the same time. It was time for me to go off and really find myself.
I miss what girl that just graduated high school had a smoking hot older boyfriend and was young, wild and free. She knew who she was. I missed the sweat on my body as I danced to the beat of the music and hands around my waist. I miss the steamy kisses on the dance floor and hands squeezing my ass. At least I could be myself and he accepted it and craved more of it even. I miss the version of myself that was sure of what she wanted for her future, and knew a man would never break her worse than Liyon. Liyon. I hadn’t thought of him in years, his brown eyes filled my head and his perfect white smile. He was shorter than Tyler but had a pretty boy face with the best eyebrows I had ever seen. He always kept himself so clean and cut the opposite of Tyler completely. Man was I wrong though Liyon has nothing on the damage Tyler did to my soul. I guess the bad boys are the ones that break you beyond repair. These wounds just seem like they keep reopening just before they are about to close. I pulled my phone back out and saw I had quite a few messages from Rick.
?. You know it’s just the pre cum it is involuntary. Are you not happy with what we did? The truth was I didn’t know how to feel about it. I felt dirty and used and like I was never going to feel the passion and lust I felt with Tyler. I thought his body would help me get over yours as he thrusted into me, I pictured your blue eyes in the place of his. I want your hands back on my body pleasing me; like only you can. The way you tease me and make me want to jump your bones anywhere. Your hand on my thigh making me wet as you whisper into my ear “You are forever mine Hope Szatkowski.” I want to kiss down your body until I hear you moan out in pleasure and force my head down on your cock. You knew what I wanted and weren’t scared to take it. I liked the possessiveness and the fact you wanted to own me. It made me feel like I was on a never ending high that you controlled. I want to just disappear into nothing without you. Im trying to fuck away the pain but it isn’t working. I want you back no matter how much I try to push you from my brian you somehow have tattooed your soul in my brain.
I can’t stop thinking about your hands traveling up my body and stopping at my panties as you whisper dirty things in my ear. The way your touch would create sparks throughout me. I became codependent on you. You did everything you wanted to do to me, made me love you, want you, and broke me all in a matter of seconds. I have never given someone so much power over me before. It was my mission to just please you. I didn't care if it affected other relationships in my life because I just wanted you. You became my drug, the one I couldn’t let go of on my own. I just kept coming back to you for my next hit, I needed it. Wanted it. The way you made me feel alive and desired it was so intoxicating. I was an addict stuck on you and still would be if you didn’t walk out of my life. Maybe I should thank you for taking my drug away so I can be sober again. I am itching for you though please come back. I don't want this to be the end of us; but I know you’re no good for me. I never cared if you were good or not; I just want to feel alive again.
I began to type to respond to Rick, I dont regret it, just feel dirty I guess. I stared at the message for a moment before pressing send. I guess I was going to have to hop back on the horse eventually. I really think I just did this for me to see if I could. It’s wrong I know but I need to try and heal my broken soul. I really didn’t know what else I could say to Rick. He has a beautiful son and a decent life and almost everything I tried to have with Tyler. Did I only say yes to it so I could live in a fantasy for a moment. I don’t think I want to become a stepmom to a child anytime soon. Who knows if I can even have any of my own. I tried so many times for you Tyler. A small tear fell down my face; Don’t cry for him, he doesnt care about you. I tried to remind myself. I just can’t believe he left me after told him my mom might have cancer too, what kind of fucking asshole does that. Remember it wasn’t all good.
As I walked into the house I had a flashback of trying to talk to him about me being scared and wanting some comfort. All I got back was “im so sorry to hear that.” Then that was followed up by blocking me. I guess he was never going to be the person I needed him to be. Any fucking time I needed him he just ran away like he can’t handle real life challenges. I just don’t understand how you can be there for someone when they are going through something so terrible and when the roles are reversed they just bolt. I didn’t leave him when his mom was going through heart surgery. I just wanted him because I love him and thought you do anything for the love of your life.
What no one tells you is that toxic love is the most addicting because it awakens every emotion within you and brings all your darkest desires to the surface. When you meet yours you never want to leave because it just feels so damn good. The feeling of being alive in the moment and not caring about the “what if’s”, takes your breath away. Not to mention the sex, mind blowing legs shaking, out of this world body experiences. It’s great in the moment until you tear me down to keep your control over me. Part of me knows I liked it all and even craved it because I knew It would end with the best fuck of my life. I liked when you took control of me, kept me in my place and made my pussy throb. Like any other drug you only want more and more even though it’s destroying you. You don’t want to admit it is tearing you apart because the feeling it gives you is all you care about.
That’s what you were and are to me my drug, my kryptonite. If you walked back into my life right now I would take you back without a second thought. Just to feel your hands on my face again and see the love in your eyes. Feel your stubble on my face as you bring my face to yours to kiss me. The passion in your kisses that made me instantly wet and how all I had to do is touch you to get you hard. I just wish I could get you out of my head. Why can’t you just leave me alone? DIdn’t you hurt me enough; wasn’t I punished enough?
My oldest dog Izzy was at the door to greet me and lick my hand. She's been more up my butt since Tyler left. I think she knows I am just trying to keep my head above water now. I will not let him break me. I will get through this, even if it takes me a while to feel alive again. I am stronger than he will ever really know. He may have won this round but I will win the tournament and come out on top. My phone buzzed in my pocket again. I didn't even have to guess who it was. I just don’t understand why he is still texting me after what he asked me to do like tomorrow now I have to go buy plan b. Why do I do this to myself?
“You’re home late, how did the date go? Did he take you out somewhere nice?” My mom asked me. I felt bad lying to her but I didn’t want to tell her that I wawa now talking to a guy with a kid right after Tyler crushed my heart.
“It was nice I met his friend Khris. We just all ended up talking.” I lied. Rick had told me enough to fill in the blanks if she started to ask me more questions. Which she probably would knowing her. She is so nosy but I guess I wouldn’t have her any other way.
“Oh what did you guys talk about? Is that the one you told me is gay? Maybe your brother could talk to him.” My mom questioned. I was not surprised one bit.
“He just told me that he is a gay republican, who is racist against his own kind. He was nice and we talked about how Rick and Khris served together. It was nice. Maybe if we get serious I’ll ask Khris to talk to Dominic.” I answered hoping that was enough information for the night.
“I’m glad you had fun. Do you think you’ll see him again?” She asked.
“I might. Not sure yet.” I answered honestly. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw there was a message from Rick.
Did you make it home safe? You really do mean a lot to me. I wanted to laugh. Sure I do man we just met and fucked. Which I have never done before. I just don’t want to feel anything anymore. I just responded with a simple yes I'm home.
“Is that him?” My mom questioned.
“Yeah mom, he is just checking im home. I'm tired; I'm going to let Lily out and go to bed. Love you.” I really didn’t want to answer any more questions about Rick right now. My mom told me she loved me and I made my way down the basement stairs to let my puppy out. I let her out of her cage and she jumped on me happily. I walked back up the stairs and let her out the side door and waited for her to come back inside. I was going to miss the fenced in yard at the trailer and being able to just let her out like this. I miss texting him Goodnight. My phone buzzed again, this time it wasn’t Rick, but Steven. I giggled to myself. There was a time Tyler and I fought over him even though there was nothing happening there yet. Little did I know Steven would be the reason I started to really question everything with Tyler. He was the first guy I let start to really desire me while I was with him. I knew it was wrong but you can only be accused of being a cheater for so long. I guess I should be honest with myself Steven and Zach were my scapegoats to feel better about myself. When Tyler broke me down and made me feel like I was nothing but a whore that wanted a bunch of attention from men. They were always there to tell me I wasn’t. I knew they both had some strong feelings for me but I guess being desired helped me in some way. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about them sometimes in that way. I am only human I guess. Especially Steven, he is so hard to not think about. His eyes are almost magical taking you to another world. I remember the first time I saw him and he walked me to the elevator after work and he hugged me. He smelt so good and when his facial hair brushed against my face I almost gasped. He was wearing a navy blue sweater and tan kakis. With his blackish hair and hazel eyes I almost wanted him to kiss me on the spot. At that moment I knew Tyler and I were in trouble. Even though I knew I wanted to marry Tyler, something inside me just kept drawing me to Steven. We didn’t talk much after that day because he just wanted to fuck and I didn’t yet.
The next day on the way into work I thought about what it would be like if he kissed me. He sees me at work and hops on the elevator with me. We are the only two on it and he looks like he is about to say something but just ends up kissing me. He grabs my face and brings it up to his as he pushes me against the wall, his hands traveling up my dress until they reach my panties and he starts to tease me. He notices I am wet and he stops the elevator so he can really touch me. He comes back and pulls my panites off me and inserts his fingers in me as he whispers in my ear “I have wanted this for so long.” Moans escape my lips and he puts his other hand on my mouth to silence me. My legs begin to shake and he says “I will make you cum everyday. I’ll have you begging me to fuck you.” As he increases the speed of his fingers and sucks the skin below my ear. Then the elevator dings and he just walks out putting my panties in his pocket.
In that moment I knew that my focus was shifting; maybe it wasn’t even that I wanted him, but the idea of someone treating me better. Not crying every Friday night because he chooses poker over you, or his business over your future together. I just wanted to feel desired and someone's first I’d love to say no I wouldn’t kiss him back and I was loyal to the bone but I would’ve been tempted. I kissed Zach when Tyler and I were on a break and it felt wrong and that was the end of that but then Steven started to enter my mind more and more. I wondered what it felt like to have someone really appreciate me and wanted to make our future dreams come true. Tyler could always satisfy me sexually but he couldn’t mentally it was always trying to communicate with a teenager. I was always craving someone who can match me in those departments. If he really hit everything I needed I wouldn’t be having these fantisites about Steven.
Lily’s head popped in front of the screen door and he barked letting me know she was done. I have such a pretty dog she has black fur that turns into an ombre of three different colors. Black tan and silver with caramel colored eyes. I opened the door and she went to get a drink then ran downstairs. She picked her bone up as she went to lay on the bed. I pulled my phone out to see a few more messages from Rick. They were just question marks seeing if I made it home. I just responded with Yes I’m home, talked to my mom, and let my dog out. I was hoping that was the end of us talking for the night. He read it almost immediately and I was the three dots on the screen and just screamed into my pillow. Lily came up and started licking the side of my face and trying to paw the pillow. She really was such a good dog.
I don't regret what we did. I’d rather just be safe than sorry. I read Rick’s message and guilt ran through my body. I actually slept with someone else, he would be so hurt if he knew. I guess he doesn’t have the right though he left me. Was Tyler out getting laid by some other chick the thought alone was driving me crazy. I guess I wouldn’t really want to know. I for sure wouldn’t want to see it in front of me. My heart broke in two thinking of him with another woman. It stills just writing it down on paper. I don’t think he will ever know how much I love him and always will. I just guess I was never enough for him. Or maybe I was just too much woman for him. I just sent Rick back a thumbs up and plugged my phone in. I was done talking for the night. I couldn’t help but replay the look on his face when I told him I was just going to go home. I did feel bad but I was done caring about others emotions and brushing mine to the side to please others; at least in relationships.
My mind drifted to another fantasy about Steven. Tyler and I got into a huge fight and he chose to go play poker once again over me so I called Steven. He met me at the bar Tyler was playing poker at and sat next to me and we talked and laughed and he leaned over and kissed me. Tyler’s eyes met mine and he became enraged. Steven took me to the dance floor and I grinded on him and Tyler’s eyes never left me. I grabbed Steven’s hand and pulled him into the bathroom locking eyes with Tyler. I took my panties off and looked at Steven and he slammed me against the wall, his lips locking with mine. His right hand holding a fistful of my hair as he deepens the kiss. His other hand starts traveling up my skirt to touch me. Once he touches me I hear a moan escape his lips and his fingers enter me.
“Fuck Hope I never knew you wanted me this bad. You’re so wet. I have wanted this for so long.” Steven whispered in my ear making the hair on the body stand up. He took his fingers out and put them in his mouth and then made me suck them. He bent me over the sink in the small bar bathroom and stuck his dick inside of me and I moaned. He thrusted into me hard and and pulled my hair as he fucked me. One hand in my hair the other cupping a breast I looked up to see his eyes open and close. His eyes locked with mine and it almost sent me over the edge. I was in heaven and I wanted Tyler to hurt like he had been hurting me the past two years.It wasn’t just the poker but the constant accusations of cheating. I wanted him to see. The bathroom door swung open and his eyes met mine filled with tears and he just walked away. Looking back I should have just done it at least it would be real now, he would be mad because I actually did it.
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