Monday at school wasn’t going as poorly as I had imagined. Only a few people snickered behind my back, but no one made fun of me to my face. Good. They know I won’t tolerate that-- I’ll throw their insults right back in their face.
Bullying of any form was something I loathed, but I won’t tolerate insults to my face. I have always fought back. My parents taught me to always protect myself--and I do.
Autumn and Katy stayed with me most of the day. Always good to have back up support if needed. The only thing I had been worried about today was seeing him. I don’t think I’m ready to face him yet.
The bell for lunch rang and I headed to the cafeteria. This is the one place I know that I can’t avoid him. He will be in here.
I got my food and sat down at my usual table. Autumn and Katy sat next to me, looks of concern were on both of their faces.
“Grace are you okay? I really hope you aren’t letting the assholes get to you. Just ignore them. Everyone falls down and hits their head sometimes, it’s only human. Autumn said in a loving tone.
Bless Autumn’s good heart, but she had no idea that my mood was so off today because of my impending reunion with Malum. She truly is so oblivious sometimes.
At the exact moment I saw him. He was standing over by the lunch line, staring directly at me. Like he was trying to peer inside my soul. I wanted to turn away and not have to face him, but I couldn’t. He always captivates me. I stared back, trying to have the emotions on my face stay as neutral as possible. I couldn’t show sadness, I’m not weak.
He started walking over to the table and I turned my gaze away--obviously he couldn’t take the hint that I did not want to talk to him today.
“Grace”. He said softly.
I didn’t want to say anything. He did not deserve my time or energy. He lied to me and I don’t want to forgive him--but could I forgive him? We were friends. Best friends even--and I truly valued our friendship. My feelings were hidden though. I try to keep my personal thoughts and feelings to myself. Other people don’t need to know how I am feeling unless I share the information with them.
Malum was no mind reader. Could I truly blame him for hurting me? He didn’t seem to have any idea how I felt about him--and honestly I didn’t even truly realize my feelings for him until Halloween night. Maybe part of me is to blame. This is all a big miscommunication. He hurt me, but I didn’t want to truly lose him-forever.
At the same time, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I did not want to develop even more feelings for him. What would be the point? He has a girlfriend. He likes her. Why should I set myself up for my heartache when I know I can’t win?
“Grace can we talk for a moment? Somewhere private perhaps?” Malum asked with a calming tone.
I gave in. “Okay fine. You can have two minutes of my time.” I got up from the table and followed him out of the cafeteria. I knew exactly where he was leading me.
He unlocked the old storage room--our room from the first day we met. He disappeared inside and I followed.
I stood by the door while he went to turn on the lights. My heart was beating fast now, like it wanted to pop out from my chest. Calm down Grace. Calm down. This will all be over quickly.
The lights illuminated the room--and him. He looked amazing today. His outfit wasn’t all black for once. He wore a blue shirt with a brown coat hugging over it. His jeans weren’t torn up like they usually are, and his hair was neatly combed. I was in awe.
I meantally slapped myself. Snap out of it Grace.
He stepped closer to me. The beginning of the end was about to start.
“Grace, look. I know I should have told you about Luxina sooner. I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess I was afraid that having another girl in my life would make you upset. You and I were-- are, really great friends. Moving here was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. Our friendship means a lot to me. Without you I would probably be miserable here. I mean, it can be pretty boring here, but you have made every moment fun and exciting for me.”
I let out a sign, trying to replace the tears that I could feel coming on. “Malum I understand you wanting to not hurt my feelings by not telling me about her, but either way I was going to end up hurting somehow. Our friendship means a lot to me as well. I’ve never had someone in my life like you before. But after our movie date I really thought something was happening between us.” I trailed off, not wanting to finish my train of thought in front of him.
Malum looked at the wall and was silent for a moment--apparently deep in thought. He once again walked closer to me, we were almost close enough to touch. How I miss the feeling of his fingers intertwined with mine.
“Malum….” I let a few tears fall. I couldn’t help it. “Did you mean to lead me on? Something was developing between us right?” Being honest and blunt was something I was prone to. I wasn’t a fan of lying.
He smiled at me and stepped closer once again. He lifted his arm up and let his fingers run through my hair. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want him to stop.
“Grace something was developing between us--and it felt really amazing. It still does honestly, but there is more to the story that you don’t know. There is more to me and my life that I haven’t shared with you--and I can’t share it. I’m sorry Grace. I wish I could explain and tell you everything. Like why I’m being an asshole who led you on. That was never my intention.”
He was being cryptic now. What did he mean that he couldn’t tell me everything? Was there really more to this cliche story? He chose another girl over me. It really is that simple. He’s just being over dramatic and I can’t stand it.
“Malum cut the crap. You chose her over me. I get it. It’s whatever. We don’t need to be friends anymore and I don’t want to be friends anymore. You hurt me.” I let the words slip out of my mouth and I instantly regretted it. The look on Malum’s face was that of true sadness. His eyes mimicked his facial expression. They were filled with sadness and regret. The two suns that used to light up my world no longer did.
“I’m sorry Grace. Truly I am. This thing between Luxina and I--it’s complicated. I can’t tell you. I just can’t. It’s hurting me so much because I do want to tell you. I wish I could tell you, but it’s beyond complicated. You don’t need to be in my world Grace. You’re right we don’t need to be friends anymore--and we never should have been. I should have never come to Walpole.”
I was fully crying now. Even though I told him that I didn’t want to be friends anymore, having it come out of his mouth truly hurt. I can’t believe it. We are over--and we never even began.
He stepped back and began walking towards the door. “Grace I’m sorry.” he said in a whisper. “I truly am.” He turned to look at me one last time. I stared into his eyes once again. They were black now--coal black. He opened the door and left the room.
I fell to the ground and let the tears flow. I didn’t care if anyone heard me. I was alone once again.
----------------
That night I had trouble sleeping. I tossed and turned in my bed, my conversation with Malum kept replaying in my head. It wouldn’t go away--the pain was too strong. How could he have done this to me? He did lead me on. That part he was right about, but when he told me that it was too complicated to explain his relationship with Luxina, that didn’t make me sad, it made me angry.
What kind of excuse was that? His words made no sense to me.
“I’m sorry Grace. Truly I am. This thing between Luxina and I--it’s complicated. I can’t tell you. I just can’t.”
Obviously relationships can be complicated, but this didn’t seem to be. We are in high school for crying out loud. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept the fact that a blonde goddess tore my life apart. He had called me beautiful once. Did I suddenly not meet his expectations once Luxina waltzed into his life? Was it all a lie--was all of his sweet and kind compliments a lie?
No. Malum may have broken my heart, but I don’t think he is an intentionally cruel person.
I wanted to stay up all night and figure out what he meant by his complicated relationship crap, but between the tears and exhaustion, I finally fell asleep--and ended up in a familiar place I thought I would never come across again.
The moonlit field was beautiful like before. The colorful flowers still surrounded me, their aroma was calming. The stars and moon above were shining bright--with no clouds to block out their glory. I began to walk forward, in control of my movements this time.
I walked and walked for what felt like forever. I had no idea where I was going or which way to go, but this was better than bawling my eyes out in my bed.
Eventually I saw something in the distance, something that wasn’t here last time. A tree, at least four stories tall, and extremely wide, stood in the middle of all the flowers. There were no leaves on the tree. It looked dead. How odd, a dead tree in the middle of a field full of living flowers.
I walked up to the tree and examined its body. The bark was peeling off and I could see holes with decay growing inside of them. It made me sad. This must have looked like how I was currently feeling inside. Was this tree dead because of me? Did it represent my pain and suffering? Perhaps, this is my dream after all.
Suddenly a cold wind blew over me. I really need to remember to bring a coat whenever I come here.
“Grace…” an eerie voice whispered.
Oh no, not again. I don’t want to live through this nightmare again. Why did this always start off as a beautiful dream?
The voice grew louder--and the wind gusts were stronger. “Grace, you cannot be here. Leave now.”
I knew what this voice was capable of, and I didn’t want to go through this again. My feet started running before I even told them to. I took off past the tree running as fast as I could. Behind me I could hear the evil laughter, like this was a game to them.
If this wasn’t all a dream I would be out of breath by now, but I wasn’t. I kept running further and further into the field of flowers. Suddenly I noticed that it was becoming brighter. I quickly looked up at the sky, the moon and stars looked exactly the same as before.
I once again turned my attention to behind me, and I saw a giant cloud of white smoke chasing after me. Oh no, this was it. I was going to die. I ran faster than I ever imagined I could, but it was futile. The cloud was growing brighter and brighter, like it was trying to blind me from behind somehow.
I felt my body fall forward and roll on the ground. I had tripped. Of course. How cliche of me.
I tried getting back up but I was frozen in place. No, not this again. The cloud of smoke was here, ready to swallow its prey.
A giant purple cloud of smoke rolled over me blocking the white cloud. It was the same smoke as before. The one that seemed to have saved me in the previous dream. Where did it come from? I didn’t have time to ponder because I was suddenly swept off my feet by the dark cloud. I was being carried away from the evil.
I looked behind me and heard loud bangs and saw giant flashes of light. Like the two smoke clouds were fighting one another. What was happening?
Eventually I was gently lowered back down onto the ground. I noticed I was back at the decaying tree. Everything was quiet again. Peaceful once more. The dark purple cloud lingered near me for a few moments and then vanished. My savior was gone.
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