Kat261Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1a3zdlkXTQ
September 10, 2005
*
Next day
*
I stare at the blank page before me, willing the words to appear without actually writing them, but they never do.
I can only think of one thing to say, but it's just not enough. I scribble it down, over and over, filling an entire page, but it's still not enough.
I'm sorry.261Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXYoFKJVEZ
I'm sorry.261Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMYzjXmtJH
I'm sorry.
It will never be enough, but it's all that I can give. Flipping to a new page, I manage to write another phrase that I've prayed over and over. It probably won't actually mean anything to him, but to me it means everything.
Please don't hate me.
None of this will mean anything once he realizes what I'm doing, what this really is. I hope that once he understands, he will be able to move past this.
I'm so, so sorry.
My brain is on a constant loop, when I'm not terrified out of my mind, I'm apologizing to someone who has no way of knowing what is happening... yet.
I know you don't understand why, but I need you to accept this and move on.
But please don't actually move on, I can't stand to see you with anyone else. I want to write these words, but I don't.
Please, just forget about me.
I don't want to do this at all, but the thought of losing him is enough to keep me strong and determined to see this through.
I'm so sorry, Ben.
I hate myself, but I have no choice. I've avoided it, I've avoided him, for long enough. I know he's probably upset with me and maybe even hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to do it before. I needed some time for my courage to build.
I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, but I just wasn't sure how to tell you.
I will myself to write more, to truly explain everything, but I can't. I want to scream "I'm doing this for you!"
Please forgive me.
Not that it will matter, because I won't-
Oh god. I can't do this.
The tears filling my eyes keep me from writing any more. I wipe them using my sleeve, as the wretched paper comes back into focus.
I love you, but I can't see you anymore.
I could fill a notebook with everything I should say, but these words, these lies, refuse to be covered with the truth.
I guess they aren't all lies though, I really am sorry.
I will miss you, but it's for the best.
I really will miss him. I'm not sure if I will be able to survive this.
Looking down at my pathetic attempt to write my first break-up letter, I realize just how much I left out.
What more can I say though?
Honestly, I just want this part to be over. I just want him to stop trying to see me, this is hard enough as it is.
I just want to curl up in a hole and die, but Ben deserves at least some of the truth.
I wish I could give him all of it, but I can't.
I'm sorry.
Folding the letter, I shove it into an envelope, resisting the urge to wad it up and throw it in the trash can where it belongs.
I curl up on my bed and allow myself to give in to the reality of my situation. The tears come freely and without any effort.
I hate being so weak and pathetic.
As I reach for the tissues, Vanessa bursts through our door. Ignoring my stuffy nose, I fall back on my bed and throw my pillow over my face, hoping she didn't notice.
I let out a groan into the soft fabric. I just know she's going to drive me crazy, trying to figure out what's wrong. I can't deal with her right now.
She rushes over to my side, crouching down near my face, pulling the pillow away. "Oh my God, Katy-bug! What's wrong?"
Crap.
Good question, Ness. I wish I could say.
"Nothing." I try to turn away from her, but she latches onto me, squeezing me in a way that I believe is meant to be comforting.
It's not.
Nothing can comfort me at this point.
"So you're just laying in bed crying for no reason?" Her eyes pierce into mine, as she attempts to read my mind.
"Yep." Of course, because this is totally normal, right?
"Right... and you've just been avoiding Ben for no reason too?" Her eyes search my face for answers. She knows I'm lying, but she can't understand why.
"I'm not avoiding him." I look away from her, I can't hold her gaze while I lie. I really wish I had that pillow back.
"Bullshit. That's why he called me to see why you were avoiding him? He doesn't even like me, so he must be pretty desperate." Her face is scrunched up, like she's completely repulsed that she had to deal with him.
"He called you?" My heart skips a beat, holding onto hope that I need to let go of. He's not going to try to call me after I give him the letter.
"Yes, to figure out how he could get you to go on a date with him when he can't even talk to you. I'm supposed to help him, but do you even want to go out with him?" She's eyeing me skeptically, just waiting for me to slip up and spill my secrets, but I won't.
"Yes! Of course." An image of that awful printed letter pops into my head and I remember the correct answer. "I mean... no, I don't."
"Okay... I'm seriously confused. You just said he was 'The One', but now you want nothing to do with him?" Her voice grates on my nerves. Please just leave it alone.
"Yep." Please just leave me alone.
"I'm afraid I'm gonna need just a bit more explanation because I'm just not getting it." Of course she has to keep pushing. And pushing. And pushing.
"I can't see him anymore." I use every ounce of willpower to hold back the tears that threaten to spill.
"Why not?" I look to the one place that holds the secret, as though it might answer for me.
But it's just a piece of paper. It's not saying a word.
"I just can't, okay?" Vanessa's eyes dart to my secret hiding place. Crap.
I guess I better move it when she's gone tonight. Speaking of leaving...
"Aren't you going to see Nate tonight?" Maybe I can just give her my crappy break-up letter to give to him and be done with this whole thing.
"Nope. When was the last time you ate? You're skin and bones, Katy-bug!" I know she's lying. I look the same, don't I?
"I, uh," I lick my lips, trying to remember, but nothing comes to mind. "I don't remember."
"Seriously, what is going on? I thought I'd be hearing wedding bells in the near future." I resist the urge to punch her in the face. Just barely. I know it's not her fault, but she's really not helping.
"Yeah, well, nothing ever works out the way you want it to, now does it?" I snap without meaning to. I need to get this anger under control.
"Okay, jeez, Miss Pessimistic. Let's go get some food." I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay and wallow in despair.
I sigh, letting her help me up. My body feels weak and tired, maybe I do need some food.
"Oh thank God, I thought I was going to have to throw you over my shoulder." She laughs, giving me a quick squeeze.
"Yeah right, like you could do that." I grab a T-shirt and jeans, throwing off my stinky sweats.
"Uh, have you looked in a mirror lately?" She gestures to my partially naked body, but I don't dare look down.261Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRIl6EoP8X
If I look down, I'll be accepting this as my reality.
I've been completely avoiding mirrors. I don't say anything though, instead I just grab the stupid letter, and shove it in my back pocket.
I doubt I'll actually see him, but I definitely don't want it out in the open.
Ness gives me a strange look, but doesn't say anything.
I finish dressing and try to run a brush through my hair, but fail. Instead I just pull it back into a ponytail. Good enough.
Why even try? Who do I need to impress?
I sigh, but Ness just grabs my hand and pulls me out the door, dragging me to the cafeteria.
I can feel my body moving, but I'm unable to believe any of this is actually happening.
This can't be real. I just know, at any moment I'll wake up and everything will go back to normal.
For now, I'll keep pretending.
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