Kat275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9grKj7Qxg
December 31, 2005
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4C5mJNdke
*
A week later
*
Right, left. 275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFPKnmpCe4
Right, left.
Don't think about him.
In, out.275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9aRTlyGkx
In, out.
Don't think about him.
Right, left. 275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRYE8AgCUr
Right, left.
Don't think about anything.
In, out.275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGv5sTUsum
In, out.
I stop running to bend down and brace my hands on my knees. I ran a mile further than I normally do, but still my mind wanders to Ben.
I try sucking in a few calming breaths, but they don't help.
Nothing helps.
Standing again, I look to the heavens, hoping they might open up and provide some answers, or at least take me away from my misery.
I sigh, rubbing my temples. This run isn't clearing my head like I need it to. I just want to forget everything I ever felt for him.
No, that's not really true.
I don't want to, but I have to. I need to. Forgetting would make it easier to move on.
The impending New Year only makes me think about him more. That first kiss was electric. He woke me up even though I didn't know I was sleeping.
How can I ever get him out of my head?
I get the feeling that I'm being watched, but looking around, I see no one. I know it must just be my imagination, but it doesn't stop my skin from crawling. I feel jumpy and I decide to give up on my failed attempt to clear my head. I pathetically walk back to my dorm to shower, only checking behind me a few times.
I really hope that tonight I can actually get out of Vanessa's plans this year, unlike my failure last year.
Crap. Now I'm thinking about him again.
I try my best to ignore all the thoughts running through my head while I shower, but they seem to be even louder. I need to forget him, especially today.
As I walk out, drying my hair, Ness looks up from her textbook. "Hey, you about ready?"
"Ready for what?" I pretend to be clueless, even though we both know better.
"Hah hah. Very funny." She rolls her eyes at me.
I groan. "Can't I just stay home?"
"Sorry, but I'm all alone this year and you know I need you." Crap, now she's playing the friend card. I definitely can't back out now, she absolutely has to stay sober.
I sigh, knowing she's already won. "Okay, fine. Just promise me."
She smiles, even though she pretends to be annoyed. "Fine. I promise, he won't be there."
"You're sure?" I can't risk seeing him. I need to be careful.
"Yes. I'm absolutely sure. He is with Nate and they have something important going on, so they definitely won't be back tonight. I've asked, several times." She looks at me like she's completely exasperated, but I know she's happy to have any excuse to talk to Nate.
"Okay, fine. I'll get ready then." I fling my towel at her face and head over to the closet to find something to throw on. I'm definitely not getting dressed up to just hang out with Vanessa.
Once I throw on my usual attire, I pull my hair back in a wet ponytail and twist it into a messy bun. As thick as my hair is, it will probably still be wet in the morning, but who cares? At least it will have a little wave to it tomorrow instead of just being a crazy mess.
"Is that really what you're wearing?" She looks down at me in disgust and I already know what's about to happen.
Crap.
She runs to her closet, pulling things out and throwing them on her bed. "Here, try these on."
"Seriously? It's not enough that I'm going out with you?" I am definitely not changing. Nope. Definitely not.
"You are wearing a baggy T-shirt and jeans. You look homeless." She barely hides her laugh.
"I do not!" I know she's right, but does she have to say it out loud? Most people would keep their mouths shut, but not her. Nope, definitely not her.
"Do you see me? Do you really want to be seen in public with me looking this awesome, while you look like you're wearing a garbage bag?" She does look beautiful, as always. Her red dress is hugging every curve and flatters her, even with the red hair and red lipstick, it's not overdone. She looks like a model.
"Why should I care? Who are we trying to impress exactly?" She has a boyfriend and mine, well mine isn't mine anymore, but still. I don't care.
"Well, I mean, you are single. Don't you want to get another guy?" She watches my face, like she's afraid of pushing too far.
I cringe at her wording. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it reminds me of him. It's been exactly a year since I met him and we can't even be together anymore.
Her eyes go wide when she realizes what she said. "Sorry. I didn't mean another guy. I just mean, someone new. You know?"
"No, I don't want any one else." Immediately, I know I said the wrong thing.
Her face lights up, like it's Christmas morning. "Wait. Does that mean you still have feelings for Ben?"
"No?" Crap. Why can't I sound convincing?
"Was that a question?" She looks utterly confused and I can't blame her.
"No?" Why can't I stop doing that?
"You do! Don't you?" She wags a finger in my face, but I can tell she really wants to jump up and down. Her body is radiating excitement.
"It doesn't matter anymore." It does, but it doesn't.
"So why would you break up with him, if you still love him?" That is a great question.
"I never said-" I try to backtrack, but she's like a dog with a bone.
"Unless you didn't have a choice!" She looks like she's discovered something monumental.
"That's not-" I need to get her off this train of thought.
"But why wouldn't you have a choice?"
"I-" Crap.
"Wait, did someone threaten you?" Crap. Crap. Crap. This is not going well at all.
I wait to speak, certain she's just going to cut me off again, but she doesn't. She just stares at me, expectantly.
I can't find my voice and she gives up waiting. "They did, didn't they?"
I just stare at her, unable to speak. How could she come to this conclusion?
The sound of her fist slamming down against the palm of her other hand makes me jump involuntarily. "I'm going to kill them! Who was it?"
"I don't know." I know as soon as I said it, I'm done for. I just verified everything she said on accident, but that won't matter. What matters is someone finding out that I said anything.
She jumps up, pointing directly in my face, like she's a detective in some cheesy crime show. "AH HAH!"
I hold my finger up to my lips. Mimicking the symbol for "Shhhh!" but without making any actual sound, praying she understands to drop it.
"Gotcha!" I throw my pillow at her face, hoping I didn't just blow everything.
"Oh, dang it. I really thought I had it figured out." She laughs, but I can tell it's fake. Hopefully they won't.
"Okay, fine." I walk towards the pile of clothes she pulled down. "Which one should I try on first?"
Distraction seems like the best way to go, so I'll just give in for now and hopefully she'll forget about all this, at least for tonight.
"Here, this one." She throws one at me, but walks over to her desk, rummaging around for something.
"What are you doing?" I strip and put on the dress.
"You need some makeup. Duh." She pulls out a notepad and paper, before heading towards my side of the room.
I look down at the notepad to see she's scribbled almost illegibly. "WHAT IS GOING ON?"
So much for her forgetting.
I take the pen from her and write back. "I can't talk about it. Closet. Inside coat pocket."
She looks at me confused, but stands up. "Hey, do you still have that dress I borrowed for Valentine's? I think I want to wear that instead."
"Uh, I think so. Just go check my closet real quick." I'm both terrified and impressed at her ability to come up with a cover so fast.
She practically runs to the closet, but I can't hear anything which makes me wonder if she's even reading it. Maybe she got distracted or confused and won't read it.
I already regret showing it to her, but she knows the truth, so why not share the burden with someone else? This is too much for just me. I'm dying inside.
"You know, I think I'll just stick with this one." Her eyes are wide, but she doesn't say anything about it.
"Yeah, you look great." I give her a look, that I hope says, keep it a secret.
She nods, but just continues to stare off.
"Hey, can you help with my eyeliner? You're so much better than me." I hand her the pencil.
"Huh? Oh yeah. Sure." So much for the calm, collected Vanessa.
After applying a full mask of makeup and not only blow drying my hair, but also trying to straighten it, she finally decides I look decent enough to be seen in public with her.
I don't even recognize the person looking back at me from the mirror. My makeup is heavy and dark. I'm wearing a black turtleneck, which I hate and a high-waisted grey skirt. I'm relieved she let me wear my black leggings under them or I might freeze to death outside. My hair looks almost presentable, but in it's normal fashion it's already rebelling.
Ness pulls me out the door and we head to McClain's.
Of course.
We sit in a smaller booth at least, not the giant curved one we usually sit in.
Not the one with all the memories.
Ness looks around, like she's checking for someone watching us.
I laugh at her failed attempt to scope out the place. "If it were that easy, I'd have figured it out by now."
"Huh?" Her eyes are wide and darting around wildly like she's terrified.
"What to order. I'm starving." I try to play it off, but I need to be more careful. Having someone in on the secret is messing with my mind, making me lower my guard.
Her mouth drops open, but she doesn't say anything more.
Sophie walks in and sits next to Ness. So much for being all by herself tonight. I bet she planned this whole thing too.
"Hey, Soph. What are you doing out alone tonight?" I glance at Ness, who looks suprisingly stoic.
"Uh..." She looks at Vanessa. "Well, I was just out and saw you guys. Cole is supposed to meet me here tonight."
"Cole?" Ness looks at her confused.
"Cole? What about Cole?" Sophie looks just as confused in return.
"You said Cole was meeting you here tonight." Ness takes the words right out of my mouth.
"What? No way. I did not. I said Luke. Why would I say Cole? That's crazy." How strange for her to confuse Ben's little brother with her boyfriend.
"Yes, that is crazy." Ness leans forward, close to Sophie. "Is there something you want to tell us?"
"Wh-What?" She gives a nervous laugh. "No. Of course not. You must have heard wrong."
"Both of us?" I lean in too.
"Oh, come on, you heard it too?" She looks at me in disbelief.
"Yep. You said Cole, Soph." I hate to make it worse, but there's no way we're both wrong.
"Okay, if you say so." She rubs her hands down her face. "I guess I just slipped and said the wrong name. No big deal. It happens all the time. Please just forget it."
"Right. Of course." Vanessa looks unconvinced, but drops it. How very un-Vanessa like.
"Yeah, my dad calls me Kitty all the time. It totally happens." Although, not so much anymore. Now that Kitty is the spawn of Satan or whatever my Father believes.
That's part of the reason I came back to school so soon. He was going on and on about how terrible she is and how much he failed her as a parent. Well, that plus my horny ex-boyfriend that he's so glad I dumped. All great table conversation for Christmas.
"Anyway, what do you guys want to eat? Maybe split some cheese fries or something?" Vanessa looks down at her menu, flipping through the pages even though she already knows what it says.
"Oh and can we get the mozzarella sticks?" Weird, Sophie usually only eats junk food when she's upset, otherwise she's getting onto us for eating such greasy bar food.
"Rough night, Soph?" I guess Ness had the same idea I did.
"I guess you could say that." Just as she's about to open up, River slides into the bench beside me.
So this was all a set-up.
"Hey guys!" It's been so long since I saw her, I almost forgot how she radiates energy. It's like looking at the sun, but not directly at it. It's like how you would imagine an angel to look, a soft glow around her. She's effortlessly beautiful and I'm insanely jealous that it takes so much effort to make me look presentable.
I bump her shoulder with mine. "Hey Riv. How've you been? It's been a while."
"Yeah, sorry. Just been dealing with a lot lately." Her eyes are sad, but guarded. Very unusual for her.
"Oh, really?" Ness presses for more information, but I get the feeling River isn't going to say much.
"Yeah." She looks down at the menu and takes a deep breath. " So, what's the plan?"
"Plan for what?" I already know the answer, but I want someone to say it.
River shoots Vanessa a nervous glance. "You know, the plan for what to order. I'm getting really hungry."
Okay, everyone is acting really strange. River would never pollute her body with these chemicals. I'm surprised she's even out tonight. It's probably making her less Zen by the minute. She'll have to meditate for like a week straight just to make up for tonight.
Vanessa holds up two fingers, counting them off as she says them. "So far we have cheesy fries and mozzarella sticks. Anything else?"
Riv shrugs. "Uh... I guess I'll take a Coke. Oh! Do they have onion rings here?"
We all stare at her, with our mouths hanging open. Who is this person sitting in front of us because it is definitely not River.
"What? I just want one night where I don't have to be perfect. Is that too much to ask?" She laughs at herself, but we're all too stunned to join in.
Ness stands up suddenly. "I'll go order. Everyone want coke?"
I nod, as Sophie clears her throat to speak. "Yeah, but I'd really like a Strawberry Daiquiri. Too bad Nate's not here."
"Me too." River looks as shocked as we do that she said it.
"I'll-uh... I'll see what I can do." Ness rushes off to place our order as the rest of us sit in awkward silence, avoiding eye contact.
Ness slides back into the booth, but jumps up quickly. "Oh, crap."
"What?" We all look up at her in surprise.
"Oh, nothing. Just, uh... I'll be right back!" And just like that she's gone, running towards the entrance. What on earth could have happened?
And then I see him.
Ness runs up to Nate and I can tell from here she's yelling. He's saying something back. I wish I could hear it from here.
Then Ben looks at me and I almost crack, but I look away just in time.
I don't need to look up to know he's walking towards me. I'm so totally screwed.
Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.
He stops directly in front of me, next to where Ness was sitting until a few minutes ago. "Hey, I think we need to talk."
"No. No, we don't. I need to go." I grab my purse to leave, but he grabs my arm as I stand to leave.
"Please don't run." The pleading in his voice breaks something deep inside of me. I know I can't leave him, but I absolutely have to.
Right now.
"I'm sorry." I barely hold it together as I try to pull out of his grasp, but it's useless.
"Stay." And just like that, I'm undone.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
