I'm standing in the center.
Brown hair, just a bit too long.
Blue-gray eyes, staring off into nothing.
Skin is too pale.
Bags, deep ones, under my eyes.
I'm smiling.
But there are tears pouring down from my eyes.
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Around me is a storm.
A storm of lightning and clouds and thunder and debris.
The clouds whisper "death, death, death, death".140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnp1kte2Vq
The thunder chuckles "gone, gone, gone, gone".
The debris screams "remember, remember, remember, remember!".
The lightning cracks.
And I forget.
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With each crack of the lightning, the world beneath the storm is illuminated.
People crawling over one another, grasping upward, trying to reach me. They wear no face, no clothes, contorting over one another, their hands claws, as blood flows down them, dripping from above.
Where I stand. Bleeding to feed people who can never drink.
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They climb over one another, clambering, shoving, toppling the tower and beginning again.
Beneath them is a pool. An ocean. A red ocean, gleaming with the blood I continue to lose.
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Beneath this pool, there is still more.
How deep does this world go?
Don't worry. We're almost at the bottom.
Just below the ocean of blood is a city.
Of shining lights.
Where emotions dance across the streets.140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiMmDdUPP9
Happiness laughs as it spins, its dress sweeping away the tears of blood that drip from above.140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjP9zgCZFdP
Rage screams, its armor glinting gold as it charges at my foes.140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlFVYAOwVG
And, in the shadows, hidden away, lay chains. Chains, half-invisible and faded.
If you look closely, you can see where they lead.
To these emotions.
Trapped.
Unable to ascend past the pool of blood, lost in this shining city of lights.
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Go deeper.
Still deeper.
Past the void of blackness, past the memories, like glowing bubbles of ever-changing light. Past that one memory. The one that is black. Ink-black and like goo, gloom and pain, swirling in itself.
And you finally see it.
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A light.
A shining, glittering, effervescent light.
Go closer.
It's a child. Innocent, full of life, brilliant.
And in its hand it holds a knife.
A knife coated in blood.
And to the side you see a teen child.
With a wound through their heart.
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And you see them.
Mother, her arms wrapping around the child, the guilt of her love crushing the child, as he thinks i don't deserve her love.
Father, his eyes glaring lasers of fury and hatred, as the child thinks i don't deserve his love.140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJzR4QgYdHI
Sister, her mouth spitting black darts, full of quiet criticism and open insult, as the child thinks i don't deserve their love.
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I don't deserve their love.
I don't deserve their love.
Idon'tdeservetheirlove.
Idontdeservetheirlove.
idontdeservetheirloveidontdeservetheirloveidontdeservetheirlove because -
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Because I'm me. Because I'm unlovable. Because I'll fail them all. Always.
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Because I killed myself. The myself I should've been. I'm still a child, but my blood is on that child's hands.
Because I am that memory. That blackened memory, that I refuse to see, but I need to see, I need to see, I NEED TO SEE IT!140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpE1exvLh0
Because I am those chains. Holding down my emotions. For them. Because I don't deserve their love. Their concern. They don't need to be worried about me.
Because of that pool of blood, growing growing growin. Because I can finally see the face of those thousand of people, constantly clambering for the me that cries. That smiles.
That feels.
Because I can see their faces. Because I know who they are. Because I know who wants to become that freer, happy, sad, emotional self.
Because they're me.140Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡte1FSdI083
Because I am that storm. Telling myself.
'death, death, death, death'.
'gone, gone, gone, gone'.
'remember, remember, remember, remember'.
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The lightning cracks.
And I forget.
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Because this is my mind.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
