TW Suicidal thoughts mention
As I sat at the round table with my friends and the missionary, my finger nervously tapped on the surface of it. I'd had a long day filled with stress and anxiety, so I really just wanted to go home.
I thought of making a joke, a joke that might concern the missionary, Raul, but I didn't.
...
That's what I wished I'd done.
Instead, I blurted out, "Yeah, I have suicidal thoughts."
Raul's eyes widened immediately and he asked, "Really?"
Then I shook my head, saying, "Oh, sorry, I was joking."
But Raul looked me in the eyes and says, "But a part of it's true, isn't it?"
That's when I started to cry, covering my face in my hands.
It was near the end of the time, and I remember Raul saying, "Well, you know we have to report something like that, right?"
I was so scared.
We tasked to Joe, telling him about the joke. He understood, then said he'd contact my mother.
He made me dial the number myself.
And then of course, when she got there, she was all smiles and acting kind in front of Joe and Raul, while I went outside into the van.
On my way out, I talked to my friend, Daniel, who had heard the joke and waited until I got to the van before he left. He told my how he'd already lost a friend to suicide, and how he didn't want that to happen again.
Of course, when my mom got into the van, she immediately dropped the smiley persona.
She gave me a steely glare as she said, "So you think like that, huh?"
I nodded, still crying a little.
"You know, Amelia," Mom sighed as she put the van into gear, "I really hate when you do things like this. Telling complete strangers about your problems but not your own mother?" And started muttering a few curses under her breath, then said, "Do you need like a therapist or something like that? 'Cause I think you do."
I nodded again, glad I was getting help.
But I didn't.
It's been over 9 months since the incident, and my mother hasn't said a word about a therapist. But yeah, that's my entry. My biggest regret. All because of a stupid joke.
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