Trigger warning for SH, su*c*dal thoughts, light cursing
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I grabbed my things from the floor, telling myself to not cry. You’re in school, I thought. Suck it up. People your age can’t cry at school. I slowly walked away from the gym, concentrating a bit too much on the colored tiles on the floor. I walked up the stairs and down the hall, passing the teachers I’d known for months. But now, no one knows me. I didn’t even know myself. I got to the bathrooms, happy to find that the single stall gender neutral bathroom, the one I used all year, was empty. I locked myself inside, staring at myself in the mirror. His words echoed in my mind. You’re a coward. I thought you were better than that. I had no evidence to suggest he was wrong. My eyes were red. I knew that if I tried to do anything, I would burst into tears. So I splashed some water on my face, picked up my bag, and left the bathroom. As I walked out of the school, the only thought in my mind was how much it hurt. I felt like my body was being torn to shreds from the inside out. I thought for a moment how easy it would be to end it all, as soon as I got home. Just get home. That was my new goal. I approached the car and climbed into the only seat not covered with various items. My dad's car was always the messy one. I said hello, and my dad didn’t question me. I’d learned to keep my tone steady even when my mind was falling apart.
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When we arrived at the house, I jumped out of the car and ran inside, backpack hitting my spine. I tossed down my school things and ran upstairs, closing my door just in time. The tears started to spill. “Shit,” I whispered. Looking down at my hands, they were shaking. My breaths came quicker and quicker, until I could barely breathe at all. “Shit.” His words echoed over and over in my mind. You’re a coward. I thought you were better than that. For a minute, I believed it. I was worthless. I was a worthless fucking coward who deserved nothing other than death. And it hurt. It hurt so much, because he was my friend and I trusted what he said. It hurt so much because I never wanted to see him hurt because of something I did.You’re a coward. I thought you were better than that.But then I shook my head, telling myself it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true. You are strong, I told myself. You can get through this. It will all be okay. I looked over at my desk, where the pair of scissors lay. I’d always thought about using them on my arms. Physical pain would be easier than emotional pain, right? I almost grabbed the scissors. I almost placed the blade on my arm. I almost cut into my skin. Almost. But instead I grabbed my headphones, these bulky red things, and plugged them into my phone. I could barely turn on my music, my hands were shaking so badly. But I did, and I rocked back and forth on the floor as Meteor Shower by Cavetown blasted in my ears. I rocked back and forth for nearly twenty minutes.
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My alarm went off, telling me to get ready for whatever activity I had that afternoon. I collected myself and pulled myself up off the grey carpet, now dotted with tears. I went back downstairs, the memories of my breakdown now hundreds of miles away. But now I wonder: what would have happened if I’d picked up the scissors? What would have happened if I’d told someone about the thoughts that never seemed to stop? What would have happened if I’d just had a second chance?
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THE END
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A small note on the actual events of that night: (TW for SH and su*c*dal thoughts) That was the first night of many that I spent locked in my room, fighting the worst mental battle of my life. I never thought it could get worse, but it always did. I struggled for a while with suicidal thoughts. I started to self harm, but am currently four weeks clean. I’ve worked on my mental health quite a bit since the events of that night and am doing much better. Every so often things get hard, but I find a way through it. If you or anyone you know are struggling, please know this: yes, it is hard, and yes, it may seem easier to give up. But there is always a way. Even if it doesn’t seem like it now, there is. It is never too late. Ever. Stay safe, and remember, you are loved :)
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